Grin for Thin

I was so hungover yesterday. Still feel hungover today as well. Was a great night out and I didn't gain. Considering how much alcohol I had to drink that is amazing. I did a stupid thing. My sex friend came over and while I was drunk I blabbed everything to him about my eating disorder. I am freaking out now. I am not too worried that he will tell people because I have shit on him I could use. I am just afraid he try and talk to me about it as I lose weight. Oh well time will tell. JB xoxo

So I did a bit of research yesterday on natural diuretics. And one of the most suggested was green tea so I drank a heap of it and boy it must of worked. I am down 3kgs today. Massive and so happy I can go out feeling a lil better. Also my sex friend is picking me up tonight so a huge day/night and I am still tired and slightly hungover. I cannot believe I lost so much. Asides from the green tea I didn't do that great I had a 1/3 of a slice of pizza (75) and 1 cinnamon donut (150) and a bottle of white wine (700ish) I was only just under 1000 calories for the day. Well I better go get ready I have a heap to do. JB xoxo

SO no surprise here my absence has been due to me eating out of control. Gained back up to 96.5 kgs. I lost a kg since yesterday. I would like to lose as much puffyness from bloating by tomorrow since I am going out. I will still be hideous and fat but that is my own fault. Today is a coffee and tea day. yesterday was coffee tea and a fruit salad made from negative calorie fruits. I went and saw my therapist yesterday and was talking about my emotional eating and she mentioned about getting a good balance so I don't get too extreme so I don't develop an eating disorder bahahahaha bit late love. But of course I didn't let on anything I just agreed. I have no intention of recovery yet I love my ED I just need to stay focused and stop binging so much. Apparently I have acid reflux atm so that makes me not want to eat much anyways cos it bloody hurts. This song describes my feelings for my ED. I know I am sick and I don't care. No matter what happens in life and who le...

Another kilo off yay. I feel slightly better today then yesterday about everything. Wish I could get a full nights sleep but I know its probably due to exam stress. Got 5 hours last night. I hope I can get a good night sleep tonight since my first exam is tomorrow then one the next day and then I am done for 1 1/2 weeks until the summer semester. I would love to lose another 3 kgs in the next two days lol because I plan to drink Wednesday night after my last exam and I would love to wake up Thursday and be in the 80's. I don't think it will happen because I have dropped 3.5 kgs in 3 days and I know my body will be annoying soon and stay put. Oh well better get dressed and get the kid to school full day of study today *yawn*. JB xoxo

Shocked! I lost 1.5kgs since yesterday. I do not know how I binged all day on wine, hot chips, lollies and a heap of other crap. I did not deserve to lose weight. I feel in self-destruct mode atm. It is kinda scary place to be in. I just don't know what measures I will go to in order to punish myself. Definitely restricting today as my mother could come back anytime from now to tomorrow. My poor son :( he didn't win in the mother department. I mean I am loving and a good mother but I am hardly mentally stable. Yes another day of me being all emo. I just really dislike me atm. Which makes it harder for me to be strong with food cos I just don't care. But I am trying to remind myself that the more weight I lose the more I can tolerate myself. Well that is enough of my complaining. JB xoxo

I lost 500 grams since yesterday. I should be happy but it is not enough. It is never enough. I am deep in depression atm probably have been for awhile but I don't seem to notice for awhile. So the things with this guy is all over before it began. I feel stupid for investing so much emotionally with a man I had yet to meet. But I did and it hurts. I keep telling everyone I am ok with it all and that I have closure but it is all a lie. I really thought he might had been my person. I put up a hard ass exterior but inside I am really a hopeless romantic. So blasting some angry chick music (pink) but all I want to do is curl up and cry but I can't. The tears just won't come. It is all good I can understand why he doesn't want to be with me I am fat and gross. Just going to keep starving until I am perfect. Well that is my emo post today. JB xoxo

So I cannot remember the last time I came on here a week maybe more? Well I was doing alright not feeling hungry living on coffee and herbal tea. Then I had a binge. Then 2 days of restricting. Then Halloween where I gorged my fat ass on candy and whatever else I could find. So here I am 3.5kgs heavier gah this sucks. The good news is that my mother is away so can get away with not eating. I am going to try not to eat and if I do only when I can purge it. Trying to cram for exams. Not fun but in less then a week it will all be over. JB xoxo

Gah my scales are broken. I hate not being able to jump on them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Yesterday I finally managed a negative calorie day. I consumed 22 calories in coffee and tea.  And burnt off 376. So net was -354 calories. Feel so good. It has never been this easy for me before. I just don't have an appetite. Finished my last assignment for the semester yesterday and now exams to get ready for. I am glad I can focus on that because the guy has not texted me since last sunday. I guess that says it all. He just isnt interested. I don't blame him but I am still crushed and very sad about it. Trying not to think about it cos I want to cry. I seriously thought we were going to have something special and deep. Ok enough about that today's plan is to study and try not to eat but with it being the weekend and my mum being around I am not sure I can pull that off. I know I am not being too smart atm with hiding my lack of eating with her. I better be...

Well weight has kinda stagnated. All those massive weight loss days so not too shocked. I ate cake yesterday and chips for my sons birthday :(. Super restrict day today I hope. Unless my mum is making a roast that is. I made a sugar free oil free carrot cake yesterday but still was 250 calories a slice gah. 900 and something intake yesterday. Have not been feeling hungry lately has been awesome and very unusual for me. Today I must finish an assignment that is due tomorrow so good excuse to hide on my room eating nothing. Had the worst nightmare last night. Cannot shake it. Oh well mum just pulled up I better go. JB xoxo

Yay lost another 1.5kg since yesterday no longer obese wooooo. Also didn't eat my soup last night so intake was 877 with 704 burnt off so a net of 173 is better then the 200something. Well family is here so better get off before someone walks in. JB xoxo

Well did not hit my negative calorie goal like I wanted. Hunger got a grip of me and I ate 977 calories today gahhhhhh. At least I have burnt off 704 of them. So net is 273 so that's not too bad I spose. Mum commented on my weight-loss but in a nice and non suspicious way phewwwwwwww. Just got my periods dammit. But just weighed myself and I am 91kgs before going to bed so that is pretty cool. I have factored in 977 but have not had my soup yet. Not even sure if I want it. Might go to bed without it and there goes another 95 calories off my intake. Sounds freaking good to me. Night night all JB xoxo

Wow I love fasting! I lost 2 kgs since yesterday. All I had yesterday was coffee, tea and water. My only worry is that I have lost 4 kgs in so many days and my mother is coming home today. I really hope she doesn't notice too much. I don't know if I can do the same thing today I feel very shakey but still will keep it low and will be swimming most of the day so should hit my negative calorie day today. I would love to lose at least 1.4 kgs by tomorrow so I'll be out of the obese bmi again. So I kinda got fucked up on more then alcohol the other night with my "friend" I am still feeling like shit from it mentally and physically. Told him I don't want to do that shit again, I don't like it. Well trying to shake the cloud from my head so I can take my boy swimming so til later. Ciao everybody. JB xoxo

Ok so tonight's rendezvous happened last night and we didn't crash till 6 am. It is currently 11 am so yeah not a lot of sleep. Thankfully I have the best son in the world and he is cool not going swimming until tomorrow. I was planning on having a negative day yesterday but the drinking interrupted that. But great news is I didn't get the drunken munchies and binge. All I had to eat yesterday was 1/4 cup of oatmeal. But the alcohol was the killer  824 calories eeeek. My total gross intake yesterday was 1043 but burnt 701 and that left me with a net of 342 so not too bad. Will do better today. I really want a negative calorie day. Great news the scales said 2kg weight loss today so pretty ecstatic about that. So that makes 2.5 kgs in 2 or 3 days so pretty happy about that. Well back to bed for me for awhile then my assignment. JB xoxo

Well hopped on the scales to see a ridiculously large number that just cant be right so I am ignoring it. This man is pissing me off and making me happy at the same time grrrr confused. Feeling really depressed at the moment. Just want it all to end. I hope I get the hungry highs soon I need a pick me up in mood. Had a dream last night about my "friend" who I am hooking up with tomorrow night. Hate those. Makes the lines between friendship and other stronger emotions blur. So yeah when it comes to men I am mental. I cant wait to go swimming tomorrow and feel my cares drift away. Hopefully I wont think too much on my image sinice I am so fat. JB xoxo

I am tired of sounding and feeling like a broken record. I gave in again and ate too much for too long and gained more. I am creeping back up to 100kgs. I am putting a stop to it. Lost 500 grams since yesterday and I still ate a net of 1500 calories, ewww far too much. I have so much fat everywhere especially my stomach region. I am not drinking again for awhile. I just gain too much with drinking and the drunken munchies that follow. I hate myself and I am so depressed. I know how to make these feelings go away. STARVE. So that is what I am going to do again. My mother is gone for 4 days so a huge b/p sesh planned for tonight then super restrict for the next few days. Trying to get back into exercise again. Well that's my ramble for now need too hit the sunshine for a tanning sesh before it gets too hot. JB xoxo

Hate my body so much right now its still telling me I 95 same as yesterday. Eating under 800 calories each day WTF!!!!.... JB

I am so fucking pissed. I have been good with my eating under 800 calories and today the scales went up not down. I just don't fucking get it. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. This fucking sucks. JB

Pissed!!!!! ate under 1000 calories yesterday and only lost 300 grams, that is total poo! But on the plus side I still reached a target. I need 400 grams per day to be my goal weight for my birthday and since I lost 500 the 2 days ago and 300 yesterday that makes 800. I just keep looking at my birthday dress and it keeps me focused. Cannot believe I allowed myself to gain nearly 10 kgs back gah. Today is day three back on track and I am feeling it too. I am soooooo hungry. Holding off as long as I can until I eat though. Good ole coffee you are my saviour. Nearly finished this stupid assignment only another 200 words and I am done. Finally getting back to class tomorrow after having a mid semester break and then being sick. I actually miss the place. I see thinspo everywhere which is great cos it reminds me what a useless fat cow I am right now and how I want to look like them so keeps me happy feeling my hunger pangs. Well I am going to go and finish this assignment so I ca...

Well so far so good lost 500 grams so am on track. My mother is driving me insane. Why did I let her guilt me into moving back in with her. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!..... My soul is dying. Now going to vent all frustrations with exercise and restricting. If she pisses me off I won't eat the next meal. Going to turn this around and make it work for me. And the guy Mr Perfect well spoke with him about my issues with our well whatever it is we have right now so time will tell. If he doesn't make more of an effort then fuck him too. I think I am at this point in life where I am sick of people. Sick of all the fake friends that don't call me. Sick of always making all the effort. So fuck it I am cleaning out my life and my body. I will be the skinny bitch that needs nobody and that everyone hates for being thin and beautiful. That is my goal. I think my friend who I hook up with from time to time is jealous of the fact I might have a new man in my life. This is fucking with my head...

I am hopeless. My mother came back and I lost my will, my drive whatever it was and have since gained back 5kg. Hate myself. I think I am being played by this guy. He has 24hours to prove himself or I am walking away. I need to loose 400grams a day to be at my goal for my birthday and I think I can do that. Well if I stay motivated and focused. Didn't do so well food wise today but better then I have been. Also managed to do some yoga am determined to get back into exercise. Well I am tired so that is all I will write tonight. JB xoxo

Well I managed to drop another 500 grams (aka as a pound). That brings me back to 50 pounds weight-loss so far. Well Uni today but no classes just study. God I am tired not sure why I did not have too late of a night. My body is telling me otherwise. Oh well my mother is back today. Goodbye freedom :(. Well I kinda slept in so better go get ready. JB xoxo My fave thinspo song atm!

Well holy heck lost another 500 grams since yesterday. My body is reacting so well love it!!!!. Have had such a nice weekend looking at thinspo and catching up on blogs. I miss these days. Not having to sneak around and hide. I miss living on my own place not sharing with my mother. Fucking hate this shit. Oh well I might have a boyfriend soon so I might as well get used to sneaking around and hiding my eating behaviours. Oh god my mother is back tomorrow damn it, I have so enjoyed her absence. I am 29 too old to be living with her I wish she would just sort her life out so she was not so damn dependent on me. The only reason I suggested we get a house together was because I felt guilty she had no where to go and could not afford her own place. Oh well I just need to suck it up. Well that is my whinge for now. JB xoxo

I lost 1kg since yesterday. Which is pretty amazing cos I had a huge binge/purge session last night so you know never sure if you get it all out. But clearly I did. Other then that it is a weekend of study and day dreaming about Mr Perfect (that is my nickname for the new guy) who incidentally told me the other night he really likes me yay!. Can't wait to meet in person. I am cold and I know I shouldn't but I might go sun bake for an hour. I am trying to lose as much weight and get as brown as I can before I meet him. Well might post again later as I am home alone for the weekend. :D JB xoxo

assWell I stupidly drank lots of wine last night and got the drunken munchies and ate half a loaf of bread. Stupid fat ass. Well Im heading home to crash this hangover is killing me. JB Xoxo

Well today is the first exam for the semester and I won't lie I am packing it and feel like I am going to throw up. I am revising for a few hours then having lunch with a friend. I am only going to have salad and a diet coke. I am kicking arse on the diet been 800 calories and lower every day. I forgot to weigh myself today dammit oh well I'll do it tomorrow. Finally found my dress for my birthday and I have a lot of work to do to fit into it. It is an Australian size 12 and I am like a 18 atm. So four months to lose three dress sizes. That is doable right? I have hung the dress on my bedroom wall to keep me focused. On other news I have been chatting to this guy online and he seems perfect. The cynic in me cannot help but think there has got to be something wrong with him because he seems to good to be true. He is everything I want for a man. I am so scared I will get hurt. I am terrified that when we meet he will change his mind. He is going to look at me and think I don...

Wow 30 followers thank you!. Well I am back on track. Day 4 today lost 1.5kgs so far so that is good. Stupid time of the month started this morning grrrrr arggggg. Got a exam next week I am studying for all weekend. Going to lay in the sun soon and try and tan my pasty, pale self lol. Feels great to be back and motivated. Found my dress I want to wear to my party so hanging it up in my room later to keep me focused. Well I better go I hear my mum coming (KMN). Will try to catch up on everyone's blog I promise. JB  xoxo

I have been failing for months. Gained back 8kgs. Getting back on track now. Sorry I have not been active on here for quite some time. I feel unworthy. I will try to blog more regularly. Am living back with mum now makes it hard to ever get any privacy. I am suffocating here. I miss my freedom. JB xoxo

Eeeek it has been nearly two weeks since I last posted. Not alot has been happening. Been busy doing stuff but not alot of it. Food was out of control oh and alcohol , hate to know how much I gained. The past two day's have been alright. Between 800-100 calories. Better then what it was but still not great. Well nearly finished cleaning all I have left is dishes. Going to watch a movie, have a nap, and then I am going to start studying for my exam in 2 and a half weeks. Have also applied for a house so fingers crossed that goes through. Well sorry I am not being that exciting atm and the worst blogger ever lately.But feels good to be liquid fasting again cos god I feel pudgey. JB xoxo

Well I really need to stop drinking gah so many calories plus it makes me hungry and calories don't seem so important when drunk. So my mum got here the other day and my intake was 1214 with an output of 189. Tuesday had an intake of 1169 with an output of 880 so not so bad, plus my friend with benefits came over and we got drunk and high lol had great sex and weird stoner conversations was so fun. Yesterday was a write off I basically drank all day and night and binged on rice cakes and hummus, intake was 2129 with no output very very bad. Today I am not sure what it'll be cos I promised a friend that we would go for dinner plus I am hungover and craving grease. My family is back tomorrow so back to normal good girl crap. WEll I better go get ready. JB xoxo

Well thought I would post quickly before my mother gets here. Not too much has been happening. Doing well intake wise. About to have some kid-free days and nights. Have a guy coming over tomorrow night. He is a friend with benefits. Still get nervous every time. I wish my body looked better. Also wish I knew what my weight is right now *le sigh. Oh well I am off now. JB xoxo

Thank god my appetite has gone again. Yesterday was good only consumed 535 calories. Today has been good so far only 73 calories and its 6pm. Gonna have a work out soon. Woot!!!! Feels good to be empty. My libido is back something fierce too which is great. I am more motivated when it is fired up, plus I have a boy coming over to play with next week so need to get as firm and stomach as flat as I can in 5 days. I worked out that it is 28 weeks until my birthday and I have 28 kgs to lose so 1kg a week is totally reachable. Hellz Yeah girls I'm back.

Sorry I have been slack. I just find it so had to post for some reason. Things have been ok. Intakes not so much more days then not feel like I am having to eat more then I want to keep up appearances. I weighed in and was only 1kg less then when I weighed in weeks ago so the damage calorie wise of late obviously is bad. I have so many boys in my life right now. The one's who want me but I don't want them. And then the ones I want who don't want me. Well they want me sexually but no more than that. I am cool with one not sure if I really want him any ways I think I was just enjoying it because it was new and exciting and nice to feel wanted but not sure his personality suits mine. The other though is quite different we are friends and it was a mutual decision to keep it as no strings attached but last time I saw him something changed. He took my breath away, almost like I was seeing him for the first time. He is beautiful. This is shit as I know it will never happen betwe...

What is wrong with me. Another day where I was good until 6pm then ate and ate and ate. I must be binging due to exam stress but still I don't want to gain a whole bunch just because I am stresses this is not acceptable. I am still to do a calorie count for yesterday. I will get to it soon gotta get my kid ready he is getting looked after until tomorrow so I can study in peace. Well that's all for now. JB xoxo

That is what I felt like yesterday. A monster uncontrollably shoving food into my disgusting face. I was doing ok until about 4pm when I was making my son peanut butter on toast. I licked the knife and that was it, something came over me and I started easting and eating and eating until midnight. I am still not sure what triggered it. I had no thoughts about binging that day, I wasn't feeling particularly hungry. Ok   so since my cousin arrived on Monday have not done the best food wise. She left Wednesday night so the last two days are all in me. Not everyday was tragic but still. Here is what it looks like. Monday: Consumed 444 calories. Burned 218. Net calories = 226 Tuesday: Consumed 1531. Burned Nothing Wednesday: Consumed 2304. Burned 1740. Net Calories = 564 Thursday: Consumed 683. Burned Nothing Friday: Consumed 2626. Burned Nothing. So yeah up and down. Yesterday was truly horrible though even cut my upper arms up. I should take comfort that mere...

Thought I would write a post while downloading some music to clean to. Plus I won't be able to post for a few days while my cousin is here. Well been doing ok, two days ago my intake was 708 with 218 burned. Yesterday was 587 nothing burned but that is ok. I love having my cousin here she is thinspiration. Well that is all I got for now. Hope everyone is doing alright. JB xoxo

Last two day's have been awesome. Both under 350 calories with exercise added on top. I still have no idea how much I weigh but I am making sure that when I step on the scales again I will be happy with the result. I am about to ride my bike to the shops to buy some supplies. Gonna hurt but pain is good. I lost all my tone during the semester. Far too wobbly and disgusting. Just trying to work out my calories for the day because not knowing does my head in lol must stay under 350 and that will mean I will be in defecit today which will totally rock. Well hope you lovelies are kicking arse. JB xoxo

Ok so I went away and stayed with family for a few days. First day was good 724 calories, second day was shit 1359 calories, third day was a fucking disaster and I stopped counting at 1706 calories. Yesterday I was back to controlling myself 579 calories consumed and 471 calories burnt walking.Today not sure if I will get time to exercise but I am cleaning so plenty of moving. So far I am doing good it's 2:30pm and I have only had 67 calories. Am aiming for no more then 350 calories today. Another busy day tomorrow. Actually I am busy for a few days now. Have my cousin coming tonight which is exciting. Well must keep going. JB xoxo

Feeling really good. Yesterday's intake was * drum-roll* 599 Calories yahoo! So far 2 day's kept under control. I am feeling really positive about going away today as well because I made all the food that I need for two days so I know how much calories are in things. I have no excuse if I fuck up. Not going to the theme park Monday can't find my son's pass grrrrrrrr. But that is ok will find something else to do. Got to start getting ready soon and head off. Hope you all have a positive weekend. JB xoxo P.S. Not knowing my weight is killing me

Yahoo I finally managed to not binge. Yesterday I told myself not to go over 800 calories and my and total was 773. Today I must not go over 600 calories. Big poo is I am going to stay with my mum for 2 days but am taking a lot of food so I can know exactly how many calories I am eating. I am making egyptian falafels today with a tahina dipping sauce which work out to be 34 calories with the dip. Also going to make a huge pot of morrocan lentil soup, although not sure of the calorie count per serve yet will work it out later. Feeling really good again to be getting back on track. Am a little nervous about monday as we are going to a theme park and all I can eat there is hot potato chips :s. But I suppose with all the walking that will be fixable. Have got a butt load of cleaning to do so will get started in a minute then I can cook and eat it while watching the finale for americas next top model. Hope you girls are feeling as fantastic as I am. Think Thin JB xoxo

Well the few days have been disastrous. Binge, binge, binge. I have no idea what my weight is but I feel heavier plus I am constipated. Had enough now, I tried to eat healthy keeping my calories between 1000-1400 a day, does not work for me I always end up over eating in the end. So now back to restricting. Back to getting control back in my life. I have no idea what my weight is but I hope I can lose at least 2kgs this week. But have no way to tell if I have.  Oh well shit happens. All I can do is put in the work to know I am losing weight. I hope everyone is ok. Sorry I am such a shit blogger atm. JB xoxo

I don't want to go out. I am too fat and look like a beast. I wish I could get out of this but I can't. I want to curl up and have the world forget I exist.

I am lamenting the tragic untimely death of my scales today. Will have to wait until Tuesday to replace them, oh the horror. Have not posted in over a week. Been struggling with food eating around 1200 calories a day, this must stop. Must break past 87kg. I have been going up and down between 87 and 89 for weeks now. I need to crack the 86 mark. Been sick with this chesty thing so have not been able to exercise, it is driving me nuts. I had a huge binge/purge session on Tuesday, it was disgusting should tide me over for another 2-3 months until my next one. I think I am depressed atm all I want to do is lay in bed. My house is a disgrace because of this, I have to clean today because people are coming over tonight (surely a blessing). I am going out for dinner with mothers from my son's class. I don't want to I have nothing in common with these woman. I have checked the menu and I am going to have a greek salad with no fetta, no dressing and some mineral water. Must get my calo...

I am having toilet dramas today. Turns out I didn't need to take laxatives so yay for that. Not yay for how depleted and shit I feel. Lost a kg so happy with that one more to go to get rid of my gain. The problem with today's toilet issues is that I feel so drained my body wants me to replenish it by binging on high calorie bad foods. I am not listening I am going to make a soup and and have some grapes instead. I am so over my allergies damn you changing seasons.well going to go eat then lie down again. JB xoxo

I gained 2 kgs back no real surprise there. I am so constipated and bloated I feel disgusting. Back to restricting today I am already hungry so I know it is going to be tough and I am taking some laxatives tonight. Going to go to the gym again this week, can't wait. Need to start loosing some decent numbers on the scales. I have uni today so better go. JB xoxo

Sorry I have not posted much this week. I just don't have much to say. I am kinda over the idea of going on dates. Uni is kicking my ass. My weight-loss is slow and frustrating. My restricting has been excellent. Exercise is improving again. So today my mother is coming to stay and anyone who reads my blogs knows that I tend to binge when my mother is here. Tomorrow is mothers day so high calorie intake in inevitable. Today I am more lucky I am going out for lunch with a bunch of people, who I can tell I have already eaten and when I get home to and it's dinner time I can say I had a big lunch. She leaves Monday so hopefully tomorrow's damage won't be more then a kg gain. I need to try the ABC or SGD I think. My losses are slow and small lately and I am freaking out that I will never get to my goal weight in time. JB xoxo

Yay 800gram loss. I am surprised because my son came in to watch a show with me last night with a big bag of grapes and I went crazy and just about inhaled half the damn thing. I was sure I was going to gain. I have date requests coming out of my ears and I won't lie it feels great. I took progress pics the other day and one of the guys last night asked me for a full length shot so I sent him one. I would never had done that in the past but I know I have lost a fair bit even though I don't see it. It was nice he said I was slim and smoking hot. That is why I love dating geeks, seriously these boys are so good for a girl's self-esteem. They make you feel like a goddess and they worship and what can I say my ego she likey lol. Annoying thing is they have all asked me out to eat. I don't want to eat and I won't but it might be strange to them. Actually could work out well get them accustomed to me not eating so that if anything serious develops they are used to it. Wel...

I know I said that cutting was a once off thing. I meant it at the time. I have fallen for it. It makes me feel better. I swore to myself I would never go back to self-harming. But here I am itching to cut again and I just did. I havent been blogging. Not much to say. Got my periods and the scales are telling me I am gaining weight. I am staying under 800 calories. WTF. Today is 500 calories. Tomorrow will be 350. Need to starve harder, need to workout longer. I am not loosing the weight I need to get to my goal weight by my birthday. I felt lonely the other night. So I joined a dating site. Have been talking to this awesome guy. He asked me out on a date. I am excited and terrified. I don't think I am ready. How will I hide my eating disorder? I will not give it up for anything or anyone. I know that now. It has me and I love it and loathe it at the same time. It never leaves me so I am never truly lonely. I know I am a bad person. I know I shouldn't meet this guy so there is ...

Feels good to be out of the 90's. And that is it I will never see a number in the 90's again.Yesterday was a shit day found out a family member is sick, like hospital sick. And I failed an exam on the weekend. So for the first time in 14 years I cut only one and only small and not deep. I can say the cat scratched me. Didn't relieve me like it used to. I had a binge purge session and that made me feel better. I think I will use binge/purging as a form of punishing myself since I got nothing out of cutting. I feel stronger again today. I have a lot to do today with my assignments. I have not really done much for it. It is my own fault I failed I suck at studying. I decided after semester finishes I am going to have hypnotherapy to help me study. Well I am going to get ready for the day. JB xoxo

I only lost 600grams since yesterday but a loss is a loss. Come to the realization that I have fallen way behind schedule with my weight-loss. Especially lately where all I do is seem to be doing is a cycle of loss and gain between 88 and 92 kgs. I didn't get much done yesterday, I didn't feel well. Not feeling much better today. Anyways I will keep bumbling through until I make it. It is so cold I have the heater on but still its freezing. Winter is the one of those times where it sucks to be single. I have noticed that I must be at a less beastly size (not that I can see it) as guys seem to be talking to me more and not avoiding me. No one has asked me out which is fine, but I am used to guys and people in general avoiding me because I am scary fat. I look in the mirror and I swear I look fatter then ever. But in reality I must not if people are talking to me and not pretending I don't exist. I am not sure how I feel about this. I think I would like to stay...

Sorry for being AWOL the past week. Between a busy social life and exams I have barely been able to get enough sleep never mind time to blog. Relaxed the diet aka binged all week finally got on the scales this morning 2.8kg gain. Fuck, depressing but not surprising. But I am ok am starting again. Am allowing myself upto 1000 calories today so I don't binge. Just ate and am already hungry. Well that is what my head is telling my stomach. Not listening. Well I have a heap of assignments to work on so that is me for now. JB xoxo

I feel sick in the stomach and have stabbing pains. Worst day ever for it I am going out tonight to see 2 of my all time fave performers on stage so I have taken some maxolon and gastro stop doesnt seem to be helping. My own fault I took some laxatives 2 nights ago then more yesterday trying to get my stomach flatter and it is still in my system obvs. Well did not hit my 87.5kg target weight hit 88kg instead. Going out to dinner tonight so will have to try not to blow it. Unfortuantly I will be looking at around 1200-1400 intake today *grimace. And mum is arriving here today for 4-5 days so will have to eat damn it. Oh well exam prep is going alright and I am sooooo looking forward to tonight. Gonna start getting prettied up soon. Well take care all you lovelies. JB xoxo

Sorry have not been posting, nothing to say really life is life and no excitement going on. Going all right no major drops last 2 days. Getting ready for exams and mum's arrival :s. Well hope everyone is doing well. JB xoxo P.S. Cannot see myself reaching my 87.5kg goal by tomorrow :(

Hmmmm 2 lectures to listen too and 5 chapters to summarise. I am already two days behind where I wanted to be. Besides watch biggest loser tonight and stopping for an hour to do a mammoth clean I will not leave my desk until I get the basic concepts of economics figured out. I hate economics so much. Still have to study for Law and Accounting. The panic is rising steadily and it is lodged in my throat atm, making me feel like I could throw up at any moment. I did something bad last night. I played around on cam with ex who has a girlfriend. What is wrong with me? I don't want to be one of those women that pursue other women's men. My loneliness is getting to the scary time where I start doing stupid and selfish things to get a feel good to ease the feelings of loneliness :(. Still flirting ith the vegan guy who at least is available but who knows where or if that will lead to. Well I lost 500 grams since yesterday but still 2.5kgs in 3 days is pretty good. Only 1kg away from w...

Procrastination is really my my frienemy lol.  Interesting morning though mostly been flirting with someone  surprising on facebook. I don't know why it is surprising we are rather compatible. Anyway's he lives a few states away but it is nice to be flirted with. I am back in the 80's woo. Very pleased that it took me 2 days to gain 2kgs and 2 days to lose them. I must be 87.5kgs by Thursday. I am going to see a show and will be catching up with an old date. The fact we are both going is pure coincidence but we agreed to hang together so that we didn't have to stand alone lol. We have common interests which is why we dated to start with but just no chemistry. Well that is about all excitement I have to share. Oh except that my calorie intake for yesterday was 390. Pretty please with that today will be under 500 calories I predict. Well that is enough nonsense from me I must go study. JB xoxo

So I was a good girl yesterday and lost 1 kg of my gain, 2 to go. I hope to be back in the 80's tomorrow. I hate eating and bingeing, waiting through the hunger until the stomach shrinks back down is horrible. Last week was so much easier barely eating. My mum is coming to stay next week from thursday until monday or tuesday god help me I will be busy thursday until sunday but theres still a day or two I can do damage. I do not know what it is but I eat stupidly when I am around family. I feel inadequate so I eat. Crazy though I am only the 2nd person in the whole family to go to uni and I am the family geek and go to girl for knowledge but still feel inadequate. Hoping to catch up with my bestie I haven't seen in a year. I miss her so much. Well shower time then a low cal soup while reading new moon and waiting for americas next top model to finish downloading. Night night lovely ladies. And a big thankyou to all the girls that comment on my posts, you are so precious!!! JB ...

I fucked up again last night. Damn those hot cross buns. There a only a few left which are for my son which means I am safe from eating them because I won't steal his food. I gained another kg from last nights binge and am now too far back into the 90's for my liking. Today has been hard I am starving and want to binge but I will resist and again tomorrow and the next day for as many days as I need to until the hunger goes again. I feel so desperately lonely lately and come to the sad realization that I might never find love. I miss passion and chemistry and watching twilight and reading the books is not helping but it is nice to escape into them. So strange I hated twilight a mere month ago and now I am addicted to them. I have three exams at the end of next week and cannot find the motivation to study for them, I am going to fail if something doesn't change. I am definitely more depressed since I haven't been exercising this week. I think I will go for an hour...

Ooops I went away for a few days and gained 2 kgs. FUCKITY FUCK. Well I gained 1 kg over a space of three days and the other kg I gained all yesterday. Yesterday was horrendous, it was like I was challenging myself to eat all that I could plus some more. I binged on low cal curry and then polished off a 6pack of hot cross buns loaded with margarine. Anyways I am over whatever that was, well I know what that was it was an emotional release of the pregnancy scare. I have been feeling nauseous and lethargic for days and had myself freaked that I was pregnant. I peed on the stick yesterday and it said negative phewwwwwwwww. Well I have a week and a half to revise for 3 exams eeeeeek. So enough dribbling from me I have to get back to it. JB xoxo

Soooooo still no change on scales which means either they are just too cheap and don't work or I am plateauing. Yesterday I ate 799 calories and burnt 663 leaving me with a net of 136. Today I have consumed 710 and burnt none well I probably have been cleaning the house all day (it looks lovely :) ). was not going to eat anything today but felt weird and got a lil scared so forced myself to eat something. I feel really dizzy now even just sitting here typing. And my stomach feels weird but that's just cos I had a really spicy meal on an empty stomach. I am pleased that I have come to a place where food is a chore now and not a love affair. I am only eating because I need something but not a lot of something just enough to keep me standing. I am going to get my boy tomorrow which I can't wait I miss him so much. I will get up early do yoga and Jillian Michaels workout before I go and in the late afternoon as the sun is setting I will go for a good hour or longer walk ...

Seriously feeling deflated. Hopped on the scales today and say 88kgs looking back at me that was where I was at 2 days ago before my mystery gain. Seriously I should be dropping huge numbers I am eating under 500 calories a day and exercising like mad. I have never been this dedicated and for what. I am so pissed off at it all. This would usually be the time to go fuck it not leave the house and wallow in bed all day and binge but no I will not. I will do yoga after this post and go to uni then the gym after. I will not binge though might increase intake slightly to trick up my metabolism. I was really hoping for 4kg loss this week that seems like a pipe dream. Well I am going to go now. JB xoxo

Well the scales are telling me I am up a kg but I am not listening to the nastiness because I know it is not a real gain. There are two reasons why it is up 1) I am constipated and 2) I have been working out heaps lately and can see and feel muscle and we all know muscle weighs more then fat. Plus I am eating so little a gain is impossible. I am fully loving my kid-free week. I am loving just exercising whenever I want for as long as I want. Yesterday I did do my yoga (110), done a brisk 45min walk to uni (330) and went to the gym and done 20minutes on the elliptical (231) as well as weight and strength training. I couldn't do my whole circuit I drank too much water then felt sick then felt really lightheaded and did not want to faint. So I went and had a fruit and nut cluster thing and had a shower. My calorie intake was 411 yesterday higher then I wanted but those nut things are nasty like that. Still better then the embarrassing of passing out ...

So exam in a few hours gah. Trying not to let the nerves get the better of me light last year. Going to go do yoga in a minute to calm myself. Totally getting back into exercise and loving it. Yesterday I weighed in at 88kg and am ecstatic. I have now finally lost the baby weight and the post baby gain. My body is still disgusting and I will never get my pre-baby body back without surgery but oh well small triumphs. I was in such a good mood that I went for an hour long walk and then came home and did Jillian Micheals 30 day shred workout. So my intake was 349 and I burned 422 leaving me with a defecit of 73 woot. So today's plans are yoga, walk to uni then go to the gym after. Plan on intake being the same. Feels so good to be back on track again. I am going to stick with this until my mum brings my son back for Easter hopefully she will only stay a day. Anyways not going to stress about that right now just going to work hard to get as much off as I can. JB xoxo

SO just had sex with a friend/special friend and it was not unpleasant but strange. Nothing to do with him or performance wise I just felt so disconnected with my body. The whole time I kept thinking how can I be even more energetic so I can burn off more calories and trying to hide my body as much as possible. Sex used to be the one thing I was confident with, the one time I relished being a woman and was more of a sexpot back when I was heavier. My sexual partners never cared about my body and they loved having intimate times with me because I was confident and not to try and seem vain but I am incredible in bed. I still am I could tell but I had to fake it and no not just the orgasm just the whole affair. It seemed like I was observing it happen instead of being one of the parties. I feel confused by it all. I ate too much today my family were making sandwiches and I said I was fine but then my stomach rumbled and gave me away (stupid traitor). I did a fair bit of exer...

Oh yay back in the 80's. I have not weighed so little for over 5 years. 500 grams away from my next goal weight which will mean I finally got all the baby weight off. I know this sounds strange but I don't look like I am any thinner. Sometime's when I look in the mirror I swear I look like I am getting fatter. I am sure I will see some difference one day. Yesterday was brilliant intake wise only 337 in and burnt 222 bring me o a grand total of 115 calories for the day. felt so good to have such a low intake again. I plan on today being a lot the same. JB xoxo

Well I lost the gain since yesterday so maybe it was what my metabolism needed and hopefully tomorrow will see another loss although it can be hard to tell if it is in grams because of the stupid scale. I will have to go buy a digital one again. So been looking at all the diets alot of you girls do might try the ABC or SGD first, I have always wanted to try the rainbow diet but I am not restricting low enough atm to jump into that just yet maybe after one of these I will. I am going to try and get all my study done today and tomorrow for my exam so I can spend the day at the gym Monday stress free. I am glad I binged, it has renewed my motivation for this, food feels so disgusting in my stomach. I don't need to feel full and I don't need that much food. I am out of control with alot of things atm like my motivation to uni is so poor and I cannot seem to want to push myself through it. There are alot of other things too but starving is the only thing I can seem to control. I am ...

So yesterday was a dark day and I binged the whole day. Feel better today just sad about that still being my go to response when its all too much. I gained a kg and I am not actually too upset, it was inevitable and I hope it will kick the metabolism and I will drop something tomorrow. Yesterday was not just because I was not losing weight it had been building up for days, it sounds strange but I feel better for the binge it is like I released all the negative emotions that had been welling up in me the past few days. I feel lighter even though I have gained and more positive again. Today I am going to cleanse myself with cleaning my room. The state of my room is always a great indicator for the state of my mental health. It is disgustingly messy so that means I have been very depressed. Other than that I will study for upcoming exam next week. Next week will be wonderful my son is going away for it so I can stay in the library studying, I can do some classes at the gym like z...

Stupid scales and/or stupid body still hovering around 90kgs which is impossible I have to be losing, I just have to be. I am consuming under 800 calories everyday and eating nothing but low fat and healthy foods. I am in I do not care mood today which means I am dangerously close to binging. I am not losing anyways so whats the fucking point. JB

Sorry I have not been posting as much I have been busy with assignments. I have been good with my calorie intake sticking around the 500 cals per day mark. Yesterday I burnt off more then I ate so that was good. I do not like my scales they are unreliable today I got 3 measurements 89,90,90.5 kgs. I would like to think that I am 89 but I just don't know. I am not happy with my weight loss I should be dropping larger numbers then what I am. Maybe I am and the scales are just so shit. Not knowing my true weight is torture.So don't want to go to uni today 5 hours straight :s. Well I better go get ready. JB xoxo

So guess who is not in the obese BMI's anymore :) oh and who also is under 200 pounds. I lost a kg since yesterday and all I can say is that it was long due. Should help keep me motivated now. I did succumb to a b/p session last night :s I always worry when I purge I am not going to get rid of it all and I will wake up with a gain, so far that has never happened but still the fear is there. Only major drawback to my b/p sessions is that they stretch my stomach and make me hungrier the next day. I am not feeling hungry yet but then my danger period is always at night. Well I am going to do some cleaning and another 1-2 paragraphs on my assignment and then the fucker is done. I am determined to get it done by tonight so I can have a good night sleep and hit the gym tomorrow. I just want to say sorry to all the lovelies that comment on my posts and I don't always comment back on yours, I just never know what to say. I feel inadequate that I am still so fucking fat and y'all ge...

Struggling with it all, can feel a binge coming on will wait till my sons asleep so I can purge it all.

Either my scales are shit and don't work properly or my body is punishing me. Yesterday it said I had gained but I only ate 629 calories the day before so I could not believe it, would not believe it. And today they tell me I am back 91 kgs where I was 2 days ago. It is not fair I only ate 488 calories yesterday where is the shift. At first I was like fuck I am hungry I am going to eat whatever I want all day nothing is happening anyway. I was going to start with toast and peanut butter (around 400 cals) and then some noodles (600 cals) and that would have been just breakfast. Calmed myself down and yes I am hungry today and yes I will allow myself to eat a lil more today not sure how much more but will be under 1000 calories. It is day 4 of restricting always a notoriously super hungry day for me but if I succeed in not binging I should start feeling the giddy starving highs. My mother ins't coming down this weekend and as far as I know I am free to restrict until E...

Feeling so much better today for two reasons 1) I have lost 1kg in the past 5 days which is astonishing since I have been eating poorly and 2) I am back to restricting. Now I was going to keep it under 500 calories today but the hot cross buns kept saying eat me and I succumbed to weakness but still 688 calories all up today is not too bad. My mother is coming to stay the weekend again so there is today, tomorrow and Friday I can super restrict. I would love to lose at least 1.6kgs by then so want to be out of the 90's. And I am only 1.3 pounds away from being out of the 200 pound range!!!!!! Also only 800 grams from being out of the obese BMI. A whole lot of milestones all coming super soon. Now with the excess skin issue I think maybe since alot of my relatives are fairly well off they might pay for the surgery or loan me the money so fuck it full steam ahead. Well I am going to force myself to go to sleep now. JB xoxo

I cannot do this healthy eating I never had been able to which saddens me. What am I going to do when I do reach my ideal weight and wish to maintain? Is there such a thing as an ideal weight? I had a depressed day yesterday lots of crying and lots of eating. I ate a grand total of 2808 calories holy fuck right!!!.... Well going out for dinner tonight and not sure the calorie intake but will not be too bad as I hate eating in front of people so won't be finishing any plates. Still feeling sick my throat feels so sore at least I have sugar free lozenges. No idea what calories are in them as it is all written in an Asian language. Today at uni will just be fruit and water. Tomorrow going to restrict can't do this anymore. The more food I eat the worse I feel about myself. I feel better when restricting. Although it excites me the thought of stomach rumbles and the empty feeling, watching the numbers fall drastically from the scale, it does sadden me that I cannot do th...

Gah think I am getting sick there's something sweeping around my sons class. On other news I am doing alright, eating between 900-1200 calories a day. Gave up on the  1600-1800 just too fucking much. Finally today I am not sore at all. Back at gym tomorrow and I am not going to go as hard as I did last week since I couldn't exercise for another week does not seem prudent to push myself one day and be useless the next 6.  Went  to a kids party today and consumed water and 3 slices of watermelon yay being vegan and there being nothing for me to eat. Plus I do not like eating around people. Well I have an assignment to work on. I guess I should go get started. JB xoxo

Weighed myself today with my new scales and I have lost 800grams in 4 days and I am happy with that because I have been eating more and been a lil naughty with carbs :s plus I haven't had a chance to gym since monday and have not been walking much. And today I have officially lost 20 kgs!!!!!! Still conflicted with the higher calorie intake. I miss my routine mum has been here but now she is gone I think I am going to drop my calories again even just for the next 3 day's since I cannot get to the gym until Monday and I won't be exercising much the next few days have an assignment to do. JB xoxo

Oh sweet Jesus I am bloody sore today. I went to the gym yesterday and they gave me a program and today my arms and legs are killing me. The personal trainer I was talking to asked me about my calorie intake I lied and told her 1200 a day thinking that was an acceptable number. She then told me that wasn't enough.... What? Apparently in her school of thinking I should be eating 1600 on non-gym days and 1800 on gym days. Then she told me that I should try and lost the weight slowly so I have time with exercise to tone up and try to limit the amount of lose skin I will have. Yes this scares me I don't want to have excess skin hanging everywhere but eating that much terrifies me too. Part of me wants to get healthy and recover and the other part of me loves my ED. I am so confused with what to do. I tried to eat 1800 calories yesterday made it to 1655 and I was horribly full. I think I will give it one week of eating these high calories and going to the gym and see what...

OMG fail, fail, and even more fail. Binged again yesterday this time on curry and rice . Total calorie intake yesterday 1,169 gah. I think I have located my trigger, I think it is nerves about being back at uni and freaking out that I won't do well. I really need to get top marks this semester because my GPA standing is shit atm and I want the options to do a further year of study once I am finished but I need a GPA of 5.5 minimum. But at least now I have located the most likely cause I can focus on my emotions and try to resolve them before I gain too much more back. At least I will be doing walking and swimming today so will burn abit of today's calories off. I plan to restrict again but I do not have complete faith in my will power understandably. I am trying not to beat myself up too hard about it because that will just make things worse and I will tend to binge more and more. Well I best get organised. JB xoxo

Well I fucked up yesterday and binged mainly on bread and bit of pudding gah. I need to get a new scale asap I need my daily accountability back. Thursday was okish ate 835 calories and burnt 472 leaving me with a net of 363. I need to start restricting strictly again I just feel too hungry all the time atm. I really want to do a salt water flush today but not sure if I have any salt so about to go on a hunt to see if I do. JB xoxo

So today I have 6 hours of lectures with no break. My brain will be in meltdown by the time the day is done. Well on other news yesterday I forgot to add that I burnt 237 calories walking so my net calorie count from 2 days ago was actually 465. Yesterday was even better, I went to the gym and although I did not burn super amounts of calories I did work on strength and toning. Food consumed yesterday was 797 calories and calories burnt were 521 leaving me a net calories of 276. I finally got to weigh myself yesterday and was only 200 grams lower then when I weighed in a few weeks ago I have either platued or I lost some and gained it back over the weekend. Well best get myself ready so I can do some study in the library before classes start. JB xoxo

OMG I am freezing this morning. Anyways yesterday went well only 702 calories not bad since I must have been eating 1800+ for a few days. I don't have time right now to give detailed food intake but basically fruit and vege soup but I did have some bread as I was craving carbs. Today got a tute then doctors then gym woot. Can finally weigh myself and get motivated again. making myself a awesome breakfast shake to give me some good exercising energy it is like 265 calories quite high but I want to be able to workout abit more then half arsed. First day back at uni yesterday was kinda boring. Well that is me gonna shower and warm up. JB xoxo

So the last 4 days were a total fail. I ate stupidly, things like hot chips, peanut butter even lollies gahhhh. I don't know the damage, I don't know where I started from. Not having a scale is killing me I have no focus. But the weekend was all on me. I think I was depressed because I wasn't as thin as I hoped I would be by this time, I got comments about my weight loss which was nice. At least tomorrow I will be going to the gym so I can check my weight. Today I am going to try and restrict as much as possible. No more leniency on myself or I will never be thin enough and I so desperately want to get out of a obesity BMI. Well at least my neck is fixed now and I can go to uni today. So on that note must dash off. JB xoxo

I miss my scales so much. It is like when they died part of me died. I hate not knowing on a daily basis how my progress is. I cannot even find my tape measure to do measurements boo. On other news my neck is still fucked and I am having to pay someone to fix it for me. I have not been at uni all week because of it. Yesterday was bizarre, I woke up with an urge to punish myself so I ordered pizza in and had a day long binge purge fest. Feel better today not sure what brought that on. Got another family gathering this weekend dammit I am never going to lose the weight I need to at this rate. No doubt they will carb load me again. Haven't really felt like blogging lately not sure why. Been keeping my calories under 800 per day so I hope to see lower numbers on the scales at the gym on Monday. I figured out that as long as I lose 1kg a month I will be at my goal weight by my birthday which I can lose wayyyyyy more then that so I could be at my goal weight by winter maybe hmmm 3 m...

So it begins uni starts back today. Wouldn't be so bad but I pinched a nerve in my neck 4 days ago and it is still killing me, so the idea of sitting in uncomfortable chairs for 4 hours is not doing it for me. I cancelled my booty call the other night because of it oh and the gym assessment now I have to wait until next Monday for that. I am going to go for a swim and sun bake after uni today and might have my booty call tomorrow. Right now I am too sore to care. But my mother left yesterday so yay can get back on track now. Yesterday was 800 calories. JB xoxo

Hi girls!!! I finally have a chance to post quickly on here. Ok with the exception of yesterday (2186) I have behaved myself with food and kept my calories within 1000-1200 per day while mum's been here. I am pretty proud of myself for this. I have no idea what I weigh atm scales are still stuffed. I joined the gym the other day and am having an assessment in 2 days so I will find out then. I am scared. On other news a friend who is a guy whom I have had sex with a few times invited me around to his tomorrow night for some "fun" so am looking forward to that but also very nervous as it has been a long time since we have done anything, like over  a year. So tomorrow I am eating as little as possible so hopefully my stomach will be as flat as I can get it. Thanks girls for the lovely comments you are treasures. JB xoxo

Oh the horror :o my scales are broken so I don't know how much I weigh fuck fuck. This is killing me and I cannot buy a new one for at least a week. Well the past 2 days were okish considering. Friday I consumed 990 calories and burnt off 940 leaving me with 50 calories net for the day. Yesterday I consumed 1,158 calories and burnt off 260 leaving me with 898 calories for the day. The worst news of all is that my mother is staying here for over a week nooooooooo. I am determined not to stack it back on while she is here. Today I am restricting as hard as I can. I am not going over 500 calories today no matter what. Will not be hard as she is out for the day. I will be away all day Tuesday so I won't have to eat much and possibly Wednesday plus I plan on joining the gym this week (hope they have scales there). Might start going for afternoon/evening walks again. Well got more family coming over. JB xoxo

Gah missed the 500 gram loss by 100 grams haha. Not to phased I have lost 2.6 kgs in 3 days which is pretty epic. The 600-800 calories seems to working well for me. I have semi worked out that I will burn at least 950 calories today so that makes me feel less stressed about the fact I will have to eat hot chips for lunch. I will be gone until tomorrow night but then mum will be staying that night so probably won't be able to weigh in or get on here until Sunday or Monday eeeek. But then I think I am free from family and stuff for awhile and I will be at the gym next week cannot wait. I was looking through catalogues  yesterday and there were these cute skinny jeans. I doubt I will be ready for skinny jeans this winter but next winter its on!!!!!. Well better hurry up and go. JB xoxo 16th of February Food Breakfast: Banana smoothie (195) Lunch: 4 rice cakes with soy cream cheese, avocado, tomato and alfalfa (287) Dinner: Soup (100) Snacks: Peaches (38), Apple (72), tea wit...

As the title suggests I am not a morning person. I have to get up every morning but I do not derive any pleasure. Although since giving up the coffee I am no longer a snappy bitch in the morning which my son enjoys. I lost another 900 grams amazing. But alas I started my periods last night and after too days of massive weight loss I am not expecting much tomorrow (although secretly I am hoping for 500 grams). So a bit put off as I have to go spend time with family again from tomorrow until Sunday which means eating. Although tomorrow we are going to a theme park which limits my food choices as I am vegan I will suffer hot chips and hope I burn it off with the at least 4 hours of walking that will be undertaken whilst there. Then I am just to try and have only salads for dinner and lunches post tomorrow and for breakfast I will stick with my smoothies. I have 6.5 kgs to lose for my February 28th deadline do not think it is possible but I am still going to try my harde...

First off thank you  Christina  and  Nasimiyu  for the support your the best. Well lost 1.3 kgs since yesterday very impressed. I was getting scared as I was creeping closer back to the 100kg mark and I never want to be in triple digits again. Had nightmares so feeling a little out of sorts right now but it will pass I am still half asleep. I have been off the coffee now for 9 days, enjoying the fact that half my daily calories are no longer getting consumed by coffee and that I am no longer caffeine's bitch. I am still suffering the headaches though. Well I better get my son ready and off to school now. Ciao for now. JB xoxo 14th of February Food Breakfast: Banana Smoothie (195) Lunch: 4 thin rice cakes with soy cream cheese, avocado, tomato and alfalfa (353) Dinner: Soup (67) Snacks: 2 peaches (76) and a1 1/2 dragon fruit (90)  Exercise Done some walking round with heavy stuff but don't know what that burnt so I am going to say none. Total net ca...

Ok so weighed in today and gained 600 grams since yesterday, it is time to cease the self-loathing and bingeing. So this time I am being sensible and lowering my calorie intake less drastic so I don't give in to binges. Eating super healthy and drinking plenty of water. So my calorie intake atm is going to be set at 600-800 calories and then when I feel that is too much I will drop it down to 400-600 and then get back under 350 again. I am finally joining the gym next week cannot wait. Also I got a sprouting kit so I am going to be eating lots of sprouts which are really low in calories. And wow I have 2 more new followers thanks girls :). JB xoxo

Been away for the weekend ate gained more. None of my family members even noticed that I was 15 kgs lighter then when they saw me last. Got family coming over today will probably have to eat, hope they are gone by tomorrow then I can at least lose a bit in the 3 day's before yet more family stuff. They are killing me. I yearn for uni to start even though I know I will not be at the weight I wanted to start back with but it will be easier to restrict and I will be at the gym so hopefully I will get some dramatic weight loss then. Well I am going to clean up before they all get here. JB xoxo

I am do depressed. I was so angry and down yesterday after the gain I went and binged and purged in the day time which I have never done before. Continued to eat low cals for the rest of the day except for 2 pieces of garlic bread with dinner. Part of me is in fuck it mode but part of me is still fighting for weight loss. I caved in and ate breakfast before, a bowl of cereal nearly 300 calories fuck. I only 300 grams since yesterday. Well my plans have changed on the master cleanse since it is getting interrupted by the weekend. So I am going to stop for now and resume on Monday when I get back. My mother is coming tomorrow and driving us and the cake down to the family's for the birthday. I wonder if they will notice I have lost weight? I can't really, my clothes tell me I have but when I look in the mirror I just see a worthless fat blob. Going to do a salt water flush tomorrow to get as much grossness out of me as I can. Well I better get working on this cake. JB xoxo ...

Woke up and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I am still all sunburnt from yesterday and really bloated gah. I had a bad dream last night where I hopped on the scales and had lost no weight. Well my dream was a hell of a lot kinder then reality somehow I gained 1.2 kgs. I mean wtf I didn't binge yesterday, yes I did eat a lil more but I exercised and still came in with calorie deficits. How did I gain? I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the day away in avoidance but sadly I have to much to do. Well I am too sad to write anymore. JB xoxo 7th of February Food Breakfast: None Lunch: Dairy free mango smoothie (287) Dinner: Store brought vege soup (118), 1 cup of master cleanse (113) Snacks: Juice (79), tea's (7) Exercise 45 mins moderate pace walking (232), 45 mins swimming leisurely (421) Total net calories: -49

OMG I lost 1.2kgs since yesterday totally amazing, bringing me to needing to lose 5.1 kgs by the 28th. On other news I really need to stop this binge and purgeing nonsense I am falling into. So I am relenting and going to make a low cal soup to control the binges. I am very disappointed in my will atm, I feel strong and resolved all day and then at night time crumble gah. Well my plans have changed for the week I now have my cousins birthday on the weekend which I must make the cake for so after today I will be working on that. Today is a me day, going to go swim and sunbake and then chillax in the library looking at the book THIN for some thinspo. Well lovelies have a good day. JB xoxo 6th of February Food Breakfast: None Lunch: 2 cups of master cleanse (226) Dinner: 1 cup of master cleanse (113) Snacks: Cups of tea (7) Exercise: None

Gah b/p again last night. Maybe jumping straight from a 2000+ calorie per day intake to 300-500 per day was a lil drastic but oh well I never do anything in half measures. I think today I will have more master cleanses so I don't binge tonight. I lost another 500 grams woohoo. Which brings to 6.3 kgs to lose by my February 28th. Just cannot wait to get out of the 90's now. Wonder if I can be there by the end of the week hmmm. So today is give up coffee day, having a green tea now instead. Not looking forward to the headaches but it would be good to not be chained to my caffeine addiction. Well that is all I got for now. JB xoxo 5th of February Food Breakfast: Cup of coffee (20) Lunch: 1 cup of master cleanse (113) Dinner: 2 cups of master cleanse (226) Snacks: 3 cups of tea (3) Exercise None Total net calories: 362

Woke up 45 mins ago still half asleep. Lost 600 grams since yesterday. 1.6kgs in 2 days is pretty good I suppose. It would not matter how much I lost it would still never be enough. The late night hungry's were back last night and I gave in and b/p gah. I hate purging so much. Won't be so bad today as I have my low cal sweetener and I can have as much tea as I want so if I am ever feeling hungry I will just make a cup of tea. Speaking of tea been looking for a beautiful tea cup, looked on ebay and all the ones I like are around $110 lol think I may need to check out antique centres and op shops. Also been looking at tea infusers there are some pretty cute ones out there. Well went for an hour bike ride yesterday, it nearly killed me I am so unfit. So plans today uhmmm make school snacks for my lil man. Not much else. Other plans for the week will be starting yoga again every morning after I drop my son off and working on some laptops for family members and starting to study and...

Forgot to add yesterdays calories. 3rd of February Food Breakfast: 1 cup of coffee (58) Lunch: 1 cup of master cleanse (113) Dinner: 1 cup of master cleanse (113) Snack: cup of green tea (39) for sweetener Exercise None Total net calories: 323

Lost 1kg since yesterday bringing me to 7.4 kgs to lose by my February 28th deadline. I was alright most of the say yesterday but was hungry last night. I could have had another glass of master cleanse because I had only had 2 but was too tired to get up so I went to sleep. Feels good that I went to sleep on an empty stomach and not a full one. Have to go and buy more lemons and maple syrup today oh and my low cal sweetener for coffee and tea. I know I am not supposed to drink anything besides water but I can't do that. The sweetener I have in my house atm is 36 calories for 2 teaspoons and my low cal is only 1.2 calories, a must have. Other then that no real plans today. Well that is me. JB xoxo

And so it begins! So far only 1/4 through all the salt water I need to drink in the next 20 mins ewwwwwwww. Already want to vomit. Ok the scales were waiting for me this morning. 3.2 kgs gained since the 25th of January shit, although less then I expected. Ok so goal weight for the 28th of February is 88.5 kgs and I need to lose 8.4 kgs to reach that. Totally doable as long as I behave myself on the binge front. Food is not thy friend, food is thy enemy. Welcome to my 23rd follower :). If I am not following anyone's blog please let me know in the comment box I do not mean to neglect you. Well I best be off to chug down the rest of this vile mixture. JB xoxo

My mum finally left this afternoon. Now back to business. Tomorrow's plan salt water flush and start of master cleanse. I have done the master cleanse before and I love it 3-4 days of feeling less then average then after that feeling amazing. I will stay on it at least 10 days and on Monday I am going to attempt to give up coffee and become a strict tea only drinker. If I can cut out the milk in my diet that's 70 less calories a day. Not looking forward to the scales tomorrow morning. I feel that I have put on 5kgs so I am expecting to see 98kgs staring back at me. Thank you girls who commented on my last post I appreciate the support. JB xoxo

Welcome to my 22nd follower although I feel rather undeserving. I am failing, I am gaining weight I can feel it and on top of that TMI I am seriously constipated. I got another 3-4 days to see out yet god help me please. I hate myself so much right now. I am eating about 2000 calories a day. Cannot wait to start the master cleanse as soon as mum leaves. I feel so heavy from the food and the sadness at myself. JB xoxo

Hi everyone and a big hello and welcome to my 21st follower :) . So quick update mother is still here and it has been uhmmmm interesting. Mother nature decided to visit the same day she got here hahahahah bad fucking mix. So I am mega bloated and feel fat from that. BUT I have been good calorie wise no binges. Well on the 24th I weighed in at an extra 400 grams then the day before but it was all period related and I consumed 730 calories. The 25th I weighed 93.7 kgs so lost 400 grams plus the other 400 grams from the periods and consumed 790 calories. Today I couldn't weigh myself and I consumed 862 calories (the calories snuck up on me today). I am hoping to be able to weigh myself in the morning because not knowing is killing me. Well off to bed now before another trying day with my mum still here arghhhhhhhhhhh. JB xoxo

Well the dreaded but expected plateau has arrived. I guess it is a good thing my calories are going to be upped today as the liquid fast is over as my mother is coming to stay for a week. But I am more determined than ever to stay in control. This is just one obstacle for me to overcome and triumph. Food does not hold the power over me anymore. Last week I got a scratch on my hand by a thorn and now it is healed with just a faint scar but some how I got a scratch on my upper arm on the other one, don't know how and I do not like it. It reminds me of my cutting days. No offense to the self-harmers just not my thing or look anymore. Depending on what time my mum is getting here today I want to go for a walk. Have to start getting back into exercise and stop making excuses. Well tomorrow is officially the first day of school for my baby boy I cannot believe it. Nearly cried washing his lil uniforms last night. Well not sure how much I will be able to come on here over the ne...

Well I am extremely happy lost another 1.2 kgs like WOW. I honestly thought I was going to plateau out. Well now I am only 5.6 kgs away from my February 28th deadline which as long as I don't go stupid when mums here for maybe upto a week (fuck) I should hit and most likely exceed quite easily. I think I can control myself now because I am so close now to not being in the obese BMI category and nearly back at my pre-pregnancy weight that I cannot see myself sabotaging. I am going to find my 3 goal outfits this week and hang them up in my room. They are not super skinny clothes just ones form when I was thinner then I am now. I have been looking for my birthday dress for my 30th which isn't for a year yet but if I find it I will buy it in a skinny size so I know that is the size I need to be by then. I am feeling really good atm about it all and I even resisted a binge last night. I decided I wanted to binge and was going to have a can of vege stew that came to 353 ca...

So lost another 400 grams, which I know I should be happy with but I am not . Yes it is nearly half a kg and yes it is a pound but meh yesterday I only consumed only 188 calories I was hoping for more. But on the plus side I only consumed 188 calories yesterday :) feeling pretty darn proud of myself for that. And it was easy, I didn't even feel hungry it was fantastic. Finally getting back my mojo and it feels great. Although I did have weird dreams about a box of chocolate, you know the sorts with nuts in the middle or the gooey stuff which was bizarre I haven't had chocolate like that for ages because I haven't found any vegan friendly ones (which is good because no temptation there). Well I am thinking of doing the baby food diet when my mother leaves, but instead of the 14 servings a day I will have 3 and definitely no main meal at night. Has anyone else tried it? Well that is me for now. JB xoxo 20th of January 2012 Food Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee (41) Lunch...

So day 3 of liquid fast and I lost another 400 grams since yesterday. I have lost 1.5kgs in almost three days, not to shabby. I love how my body responds to fasting. I just hope I don't plateau out to soon, I only have 3 days left until mum gets back. Spent a fortune on school uniforms and supplies for my son officially broke now. And that has been about it. Ok going into the tmi section now, I am really struggling with constipation and laxatives yesterday only did a lil so not looking forward to hammering my body with a large amount but must be done. JB xoxo 19th of January Food Breakfast: 3 cups of coffee (68) Lunch: Spinach soup (126) Dinner: Spinach soup (126) Snacks: 4 cherry tomatoes pureed (12), 1 cup of chai tea (21) Exercise None but sweated while doing housework Total net calories: 348

Wow lost 1.1 kgs since yesterday. And now I am only 7.6 kgs from my Feb 28th deadline. I realized that I did my measurements the other day and forgot to add them on here I will do it further down the post. So this is my lowest weight for a few years and it is making me so motivated to keep going. I started liquid fasting again yesterday with surprising ease. Hoping today is as easy and maybe see really exciting results by tomorrow. My mother is coming to stay next week for how long I do not know and this frightens me, it means I cannot be super strict like this. I think if I am prepared with lots of salads and soups because my mother knows I love soups for dinner and thankfully is calorie ignorant , I just might fly under the radar. I will remind her that I need to hit my goal weight before uni starts and that she will have to sort herself out for food, best thing is she will be supportive and because of my binges since Christmas I haven't lost enough to be...