Grin for Thin

Oh yay back in the 80's. I have not weighed so little for over 5 years. 500 grams away from my next goal weight which will mean I finally got all the baby weight off. I know this sounds strange but I don't look like I am any thinner. Sometime's when I look in the mirror I swear I look like I am getting fatter. I am sure I will see some difference one day. Yesterday was brilliant intake wise only 337 in and burnt 222 bring me o a grand total of 115 calories for the day. felt so good to have such a low intake again. I plan on today being a lot the same. JB xoxo

Well I lost the gain since yesterday so maybe it was what my metabolism needed and hopefully tomorrow will see another loss although it can be hard to tell if it is in grams because of the stupid scale. I will have to go buy a digital one again. So been looking at all the diets alot of you girls do might try the ABC or SGD first, I have always wanted to try the rainbow diet but I am not restricting low enough atm to jump into that just yet maybe after one of these I will. I am going to try and get all my study done today and tomorrow for my exam so I can spend the day at the gym Monday stress free. I am glad I binged, it has renewed my motivation for this, food feels so disgusting in my stomach. I don't need to feel full and I don't need that much food. I am out of control with alot of things atm like my motivation to uni is so poor and I cannot seem to want to push myself through it. There are alot of other things too but starving is the only thing I can seem to control. I am

So yesterday was a dark day and I binged the whole day. Feel better today just sad about that still being my go to response when its all too much. I gained a kg and I am not actually too upset, it was inevitable and I hope it will kick the metabolism and I will drop something tomorrow. Yesterday was not just because I was not losing weight it had been building up for days, it sounds strange but I feel better for the binge it is like I released all the negative emotions that had been welling up in me the past few days. I feel lighter even though I have gained and more positive again. Today I am going to cleanse myself with cleaning my room. The state of my room is always a great indicator for the state of my mental health. It is disgustingly messy so that means I have been very depressed. Other than that I will study for upcoming exam next week. Next week will be wonderful my son is going away for it so I can stay in the library studying, I can do some classes at the gym like zumba and

Stupid scales and/or stupid body still hovering around 90kgs which is impossible I have to be losing, I just have to be. I am consuming under 800 calories everyday and eating nothing but low fat and healthy foods. I am in I do not care mood today which means I am dangerously close to binging. I am not losing anyways so whats the fucking point. JB

Sorry I have not been posting as much I have been busy with assignments. I have been good with my calorie intake sticking around the 500 cals per day mark. Yesterday I burnt off more then I ate so that was good. I do not like my scales they are unreliable today I got 3 measurements 89,90,90.5 kgs. I would like to think that I am 89 but I just don't know. I am not happy with my weight loss I should be dropping larger numbers then what I am. Maybe I am and the scales are just so shit. Not knowing my true weight is torture.So don't want to go to uni today 5 hours straight :s. Well I better go get ready. JB xoxo

So guess who is not in the obese BMI's anymore :) oh and who also is under 200 pounds. I lost a kg since yesterday and all I can say is that it was long due. Should help keep me motivated now. I did succumb to a b/p session last night :s I always worry when I purge I am not going to get rid of it all and I will wake up with a gain, so far that has never happened but still the fear is there. Only major drawback to my b/p sessions is that they stretch my stomach and make me hungrier the next day. I am not feeling hungry yet but then my danger period is always at night. Well I am going to do some cleaning and another 1-2 paragraphs on my assignment and then the fucker is done. I am determined to get it done by tonight so I can have a good night sleep and hit the gym tomorrow. I just want to say sorry to all the lovelies that comment on my posts and I don't always comment back on yours, I just never know what to say. I feel inadequate that I am still so fucking fat and y'all ge

Struggling with it all, can feel a binge coming on will wait till my sons asleep so I can purge it all.

Either my scales are shit and don't work properly or my body is punishing me. Yesterday it said I had gained but I only ate 629 calories the day before so I could not believe it, would not believe it. And today they tell me I am back 91 kgs where I was 2 days ago. It is not fair I only ate 488 calories yesterday where is the shift. At first I was like fuck I am hungry I am going to eat whatever I want all day nothing is happening anyway. I was going to start with toast and peanut butter (around 400 cals) and then some noodles (600 cals) and that would have been just breakfast. Calmed myself down and yes I am hungry today and yes I will allow myself to eat a lil more today not sure how much more but will be under 1000 calories. It is day 4 of restricting always a notoriously super hungry day for me but if I succeed in not binging I should start feeling the giddy starving highs. My mother ins't coming down this weekend and as far as I know I am free to restrict until Easter Sunda

Feeling so much better today for two reasons 1) I have lost 1kg in the past 5 days which is astonishing since I have been eating poorly and 2) I am back to restricting. Now I was going to keep it under 500 calories today but the hot cross buns kept saying eat me and I succumbed to weakness but still 688 calories all up today is not too bad. My mother is coming to stay the weekend again so there is today, tomorrow and Friday I can super restrict. I would love to lose at least 1.6kgs by then so want to be out of the 90's. And I am only 1.3 pounds away from being out of the 200 pound range!!!!!! Also only 800 grams from being out of the obese BMI. A whole lot of milestones all coming super soon. Now with the excess skin issue I think maybe since alot of my relatives are fairly well off they might pay for the surgery or loan me the money so fuck it full steam ahead. Well I am going to force myself to go to sleep now. JB xoxo

I cannot do this healthy eating I never had been able to which saddens me. What am I going to do when I do reach my ideal weight and wish to maintain? Is there such a thing as an ideal weight? I had a depressed day yesterday lots of crying and lots of eating. I ate a grand total of 2808 calories holy fuck right!!!.... Well going out for dinner tonight and not sure the calorie intake but will not be too bad as I hate eating in front of people so won't be finishing any plates. Still feeling sick my throat feels so sore at least I have sugar free lozenges. No idea what calories are in them as it is all written in an Asian language. Today at uni will just be fruit and water. Tomorrow going to restrict can't do this anymore. The more food I eat the worse I feel about myself. I feel better when restricting. Although it excites me the thought of stomach rumbles and the empty feeling, watching the numbers fall drastically from the scale, it does sadden me that I cannot do this healthil

Gah think I am getting sick there's something sweeping around my sons class. On other news I am doing alright, eating between 900-1200 calories a day. Gave up on the  1600-1800 just too fucking much. Finally today I am not sore at all. Back at gym tomorrow and I am not going to go as hard as I did last week since I couldn't exercise for another week does not seem prudent to push myself one day and be useless the next 6.  Went  to a kids party today and consumed water and 3 slices of watermelon yay being vegan and there being nothing for me to eat. Plus I do not like eating around people. Well I have an assignment to work on. I guess I should go get started. JB xoxo

Weighed myself today with my new scales and I have lost 800grams in 4 days and I am happy with that because I have been eating more and been a lil naughty with carbs :s plus I haven't had a chance to gym since monday and have not been walking much. And today I have officially lost 20 kgs!!!!!! Still conflicted with the higher calorie intake. I miss my routine mum has been here but now she is gone I think I am going to drop my calories again even just for the next 3 day's since I cannot get to the gym until Monday and I won't be exercising much the next few days have an assignment to do. JB xoxo

Oh sweet Jesus I am bloody sore today. I went to the gym yesterday and they gave me a program and today my arms and legs are killing me. The personal trainer I was talking to asked me about my calorie intake I lied and told her 1200 a day thinking that was an acceptable number. She then told me that wasn't enough.... What? Apparently in her school of thinking I should be eating 1600 on non-gym days and 1800 on gym days. Then she told me that I should try and lost the weight slowly so I have time with exercise to tone up and try to limit the amount of lose skin I will have. Yes this scares me I don't want to have excess skin hanging everywhere but eating that much terrifies me too. Part of me wants to get healthy and recover and the other part of me loves my ED. I am so confused with what to do. I tried to eat 1800 calories yesterday made it to 1655 and I was horribly full. I think I will give it one week of eating these high calories and going to the gym and see what weight los

OMG fail, fail, and even more fail. Binged again yesterday this time on curry and rice . Total calorie intake yesterday 1,169 gah. I think I have located my trigger, I think it is nerves about being back at uni and freaking out that I won't do well. I really need to get top marks this semester because my GPA standing is shit atm and I want the options to do a further year of study once I am finished but I need a GPA of 5.5 minimum. But at least now I have located the most likely cause I can focus on my emotions and try to resolve them before I gain too much more back. At least I will be doing walking and swimming today so will burn abit of today's calories off. I plan to restrict again but I do not have complete faith in my will power understandably. I am trying not to beat myself up too hard about it because that will just make things worse and I will tend to binge more and more. Well I best get organised. JB xoxo

Well I fucked up yesterday and binged mainly on bread and bit of pudding gah. I need to get a new scale asap I need my daily accountability back. Thursday was okish ate 835 calories and burnt 472 leaving me with a net of 363. I need to start restricting strictly again I just feel too hungry all the time atm. I really want to do a salt water flush today but not sure if I have any salt so about to go on a hunt to see if I do. JB xoxo

So today I have 6 hours of lectures with no break. My brain will be in meltdown by the time the day is done. Well on other news yesterday I forgot to add that I burnt 237 calories walking so my net calorie count from 2 days ago was actually 465. Yesterday was even better, I went to the gym and although I did not burn super amounts of calories I did work on strength and toning. Food consumed yesterday was 797 calories and calories burnt were 521 leaving me a net calories of 276. I finally got to weigh myself yesterday and was only 200 grams lower then when I weighed in a few weeks ago I have either platued or I lost some and gained it back over the weekend. Well best get myself ready so I can do some study in the library before classes start. JB xoxo

OMG I am freezing this morning. Anyways yesterday went well only 702 calories not bad since I must have been eating 1800+ for a few days. I don't have time right now to give detailed food intake but basically fruit and vege soup but I did have some bread as I was craving carbs. Today got a tute then doctors then gym woot. Can finally weigh myself and get motivated again. making myself a awesome breakfast shake to give me some good exercising energy it is like 265 calories quite high but I want to be able to workout abit more then half arsed. First day back at uni yesterday was kinda boring. Well that is me gonna shower and warm up. JB xoxo

So the last 4 days were a total fail. I ate stupidly, things like hot chips, peanut butter even lollies gahhhh. I don't know the damage, I don't know where I started from. Not having a scale is killing me I have no focus. But the weekend was all on me. I think I was depressed because I wasn't as thin as I hoped I would be by this time, I got comments about my weight loss which was nice. At least tomorrow I will be going to the gym so I can check my weight. Today I am going to try and restrict as much as possible. No more leniency on myself or I will never be thin enough and I so desperately want to get out of a obesity BMI. Well at least my neck is fixed now and I can go to uni today. So on that note must dash off. JB xoxo

I miss my scales so much. It is like when they died part of me died. I hate not knowing on a daily basis how my progress is. I cannot even find my tape measure to do measurements boo. On other news my neck is still fucked and I am having to pay someone to fix it for me. I have not been at uni all week because of it. Yesterday was bizarre, I woke up with an urge to punish myself so I ordered pizza in and had a day long binge purge fest. Feel better today not sure what brought that on. Got another family gathering this weekend dammit I am never going to lose the weight I need to at this rate. No doubt they will carb load me again. Haven't really felt like blogging lately not sure why. Been keeping my calories under 800 per day so I hope to see lower numbers on the scales at the gym on Monday. I figured out that as long as I lose 1kg a month I will be at my goal weight by my birthday which I can lose wayyyyyy more then that so I could be at my goal weight by winter maybe hmmm 3 months