Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Hi Lovelies,

Im actually happy this evening. Had a good day at work. Which is a pleasent change been miserable of late. Not sure how long it will last.

I have no idea what I currently weigh. I havent weighed myself for like 8 days and trying not to until the 1st of September. And it is killing me. I want to get in the scales and see a large number dropped.

Would help of I could stop binging at nights. I have been really good until last Saturday and since then I havent been able to stay under 1000. Mostly around 1200 which I know is kinda normal woman diet intake but its theoss of control that is affecting. I need to have more self control about what I shove into my big fat gob.

My step daughter seems to be getting over her ed before it really grabs hold. She was wanting to eat things like hot dogs and kievs. I wouldnt wish this shit on anyone. I deeply love my ed and I know its fucked up. I am clearly sadomachistic.

Well I am going now my lovelies.

Love JB xoxo

Sunday, 6 August 2017

Hi Lovelies,

Wowsers did I self sabotage this weekend. I fucking binged all weekend. I was hungry all day on Fridat. Kept trying to tell myself to hold off til Saturday because I knew I was taking my son to the show and all that would be there was crap like fries. I caved and went to try this local vegan restaurant amd gorged on Fried Kway Tao, dumplings amd steamed rolls. Not going to lie it was delicious but hate to think how manu calories.

Saturday I attempted to be healthy and all I had was a salad before the show. Once I got there it was a free for all. I eveb threw my vegan values out the window amd consumed fudge puppies, funnel cakes, fried mozzerella sticks and bbq meatlovers pizza. Then on the way home I stopped to grab my partner dinner and got a vegan pasta as well.

Yesterday I didnt even attempt to eat healthy and started the day off with vegan nachos, had a homemade vegan pizza for dinner and liquorice for desset and some fruit and coconut yogurt.

Some how I only gained 1.2kgs. Was expecting to gain like four. Today I am being better. Im trialling a vegan donut recipe for my cake business and will be making a batch tonight so of course Ill have one. Atm with my calories all added for the day I am at 1047 cals but they may drop. Depends whether I need three coffees today. Have to see how the work day goes. But on the plus side I started walking to the station today. Its only 15 mins each way but its something.

Well thats me for today.

Love JB
xoxo

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Hi Lovelies,

I'm so numb atm. Which is nice. I dont want to think and I dont want to feel.

I gained 300 grs since yesterday. I knew I was going to gain. I kept sneaking lil bites of this amd that and not adding it to myfitnesspal because I didnt want to go over 999 cals. Even though I knew I had. So I steeled myself before getting on scales this morning to prepare myself for the gain.

Just need to be extra vigilant today so the number goes down tomorrow. Im planning to go the local show tomorrow so that should burn some cals. My son has never been to a show before so he will love it. He is scared of rides but will want to buy a bunch if crappy showbags. Excited to see his face.

Well Im going to vague out on the train now. TGIF.

Love JB
xo


Monday, 31 July 2017

Hi Lovelies,

Nothing has changed on the home front. They only notice me when they want something. Right now Im siiting next to ky fiance on the couch writing this with no concern of being caught he is too busy playing games. My whole family knows I have been dieting and no one has asked me if I lost weight in the first week. I have I lost 3kgs.

I know I'm fucked up because I actually want to fade away til hospitalisation so they finally take notice. Doubt thatbwill ever happen I cave in to hunger all the time. Last night I mindlessly ate a cupcake because I have been baking them for a baking comp at work. I allocated one the day before so that was ok. But last night it was there and I just scarfed it.

At the moment I am not restricting as extreme as I have in the past. My rule is never over 999cals. Im usually around 800-900 cals amd find because I am eating regulary amd lots of salads or soups not overly hungry so that's good. I kinda want to make goals but not date specific because in the past I havent hit them in the time I wanted and then I crack the shits and binge.

Well Im going to watch Survivor and fold washing.

JB xoxo

Friday, 28 July 2017

Hi everyone,

Well I'm back on the merry-go-round again. For how long I don't know. I'm not doing as well at work as I would have hoped. I had to move and change schools for my son. Plus now he gets himself to and from school and is home alone for like 1.5 hours everyday. I feel like a fucking failure. The only thing I can not fail at is self destruction in one way or another. Atm I am choosing restriction. Started on Tuesday and have lost 3kgs so far.

I think my fiance is suspicious as he hid the scales (or so he thinks) or he hid them away so his daughter cant use them. She has been diagnosed with Ana. I'm not aloud to talk about it with her because I am not her parent.....  No but I have been a constant in her life for the past four years and fuck actually know exactly what she is going through. Ffs I am the one catching all the behaviours and reporting them so the psych can address them to my fiance and ex wife.

The thing with suffering from a eating disorder when your obese is that no one takes you seriously. I have dropped massive amounts like 20 and 30 kgs very fast in the past but have so much to lose so no one really believes I am as sick as I am. It makes me want to starve myself until I am on deaths door so they finally see me. See how much I struggle and how much fucking pain I am in. Thats the crazyness of it all. I want to disappear so they will notice me.

Well thats my self-pity party over. Well on here at least.

JB

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Triggered!

Hi Lovelies,

It's been awhile. Where to start?

Well I put the weight back on from the fast of course. Back to 136 kgs and nothing much has changed. I have recently gotten intowater kefir and soon I will start with kombucha. Trying to fix my gut health.

I got the new job which I love. Work with a great bunch of people. Plus I am getting paid more so yay.

Other news is my 12 year old step-daughter has an ED. I'm not sure how long its been going on but she lost 3 kgs in a week. She only weighed like 50 kgs before anyways. Now she is active and already thin. She is into dance which is probably feeding the obsession.  We went out to dinner last night and when they put the plate in front of her, I saw the fear flash across her face. Long story short I am heartbroken for her.

Sickingly I'm so triggered by it all. I'm aware of how fucked up that all is but I don't care and already working down my calories as we speak.

So I went and tried on wedding dresses about 6 weeks ago and it was awful. It broke me. I felt so far from beautiful. I broke down when I got home. I didn't want to starve myself again. I confessed all my ed stuff to my fiance. I bared all. Except for this blog. I told him I am not ready for him to read this. I don't think I ever will.

So that's my pathetic catch-up. Still a fat loser who will probs just fail at this again.

JB

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Hi Lovelies,

Day 7! Thank god only 3 days left to go. I am really struggling now. Only lost 200 grams since yesterday. Getting bummed about these small numbers. Still 4.3 kgs in a week is awesome.

Day 6 was hard. Felt weak, exhausted and hungry. My brain was not there at all. Stuffed up so many phone calls lol.

Other bizarre news, new people started at work yesterday and one is a friend for like 14 years that I lost touch with. It was so cool and it was like no time had passed at all.

Well gotta go get ready.

Love JB xoxo