Sorry I have been slack. I just find it so had to post for some reason. Things have been ok. Intakes not so much more days then not feel like I am having to eat more then I want to keep up appearances. I weighed in and was only 1kg less then when I weighed in weeks ago so the damage calorie wise of late obviously is bad. I have so many boys in my life right now. The one's who want me but I don't want them. And then the ones I want who don't want me. Well they want me sexually but no more than that. I am cool with one not sure if I really want him any ways I think I was just enjoying it because it was new and exciting and nice to feel wanted but not sure his personality suits mine. The other though is quite different we are friends and it was a mutual decision to keep it as no strings attached but last time I saw him something changed. He took my breath away, almost like I was seeing him for the first time. He is beautiful. This is shit as I know it will never happen between us and now I am going to feel weird and awkward around him. All I know is that I want to starve myself until I am skeletal and sick. I know I am fucked now that this disease has me so strongly now that all the things I told myself in the beginning like that I could stop any time I want, I am in control, it won't happen to me was bullshit and I open my arms to embrace it with the possibility of it killing me. Yet it makes me feel whole. Who could ever understand but us how being empty can make you feel whole. I know I am rambling and probably don't make much sense am so tired. Not sleeping well. Stupid boys making me crazier then usual. I want to cut but I can't until after Wednesday next week. I have to lose 27.5kgs in just less then 6 months. I do not know if I can do it. I must do it.

JB
xoxo