I cannot do this healthy eating I never had been able to which saddens me. What am I going to do when I do reach my ideal weight and wish to maintain? Is there such a thing as an ideal weight? I had a depressed day yesterday lots of crying and lots of eating. I ate a grand total of 2808 calories holy fuck right!!!.... Well going out for dinner tonight and not sure the calorie intake but will not be too bad as I hate eating in front of people so won't be finishing any plates. Still feeling sick my throat feels so sore at least I have sugar free lozenges. No idea what calories are in them as it is all written in an Asian language. Today at uni will just be fruit and water. Tomorrow going to restrict can't do this anymore. The more food I eat the worse I feel about myself. I feel better when restricting. Although it excites me the thought of stomach rumbles and the empty feeling, watching the numbers fall drastically from the scale, it does sadden me that I cannot do this healthily, that I don't care about myself enough. I guess punishing and hurting myself is my comfort zone. All I know for sure is I need to starve so I don't have to feel the guilt every time I eat even if it is healthy food. Well that is my rant.

JB
xoxo

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