The sweet stinging bliss as it cuts across my fat!

I know I said that cutting was a once off thing. I meant it at the time. I have fallen for it. It makes me feel better. I swore to myself I would never go back to self-harming. But here I am itching to cut again and I just did. I havent been blogging. Not much to say. Got my periods and the scales are telling me I am gaining weight. I am staying under 800 calories. WTF. Today is 500 calories. Tomorrow will be 350. Need to starve harder, need to workout longer. I am not loosing the weight I need to get to my goal weight by my birthday. I felt lonely the other night. So I joined a dating site. Have been talking to this awesome guy. He asked me out on a date. I am excited and terrified. I don't think I am ready. How will I hide my eating disorder? I will not give it up for anything or anyone. I know that now. It has me and I love it and loathe it at the same time. It never leaves me so I am never truly lonely. I know I am a bad person. I know I shouldn't meet this guy so there is no chance of falling in love and then breaking his heart. I know I will hurt my family too. It makes me sad but I still want my ED. My fantasy life in my head is me by myself in a house with huge panes of glass overlooking the river learning to play the piano while wasting away. I don't know why I am typing all this. Just need to get it out of my head. I am sabotaging myself at uni, I know that now. I fear that I won't lose enough weight, that I will always be fat but apart from that I have a fear of success. I think I have unrealistic ideals of romanticism, I dream of laughing and skipping while holding hands down a path surrounded by cherry blossoms, and kissing in the rain like one of those black and white arty french films. Reality doesn't compare to how I dream it would be. I am going to be 30 next year, The best years are behind me. I am just going to grow old and wrinkly now. The whole idea of this fills me with despair.

JB
xoxo