She is waking up from deep within my bones. She has slumbered only to wake and growl and grumble at meal times. Quieter and less frequently in the beginning. Now louder and the time between not so far apart. Recovery is hard and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I'm not sure if I want it enough. I'm a few kgs up and I can't stand it! God I hate myself. Weak, useless failure.
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I know I've been quiet of late. I'm trying hard at recovery ATM. Harder than before. Really trying to dig deep into the emotions that lay behind it. My partner is trying to support me the best way he can by checking in with how my mental health is is. And I'm honest with him. I tell him when my head is loud or I just feel numb. Food is still scary and anxiety still occurs. I've stopped counting calories and it's really fucking hard. I still weigh daily but I'm sure that will stop over time. I put on a kg very fast once I told my partner. I have lost that and my body seems to be comfortable at the 113.5 mark ATM. I have also started eating raw vegan.im going to try and stay raw most of the time for summer. I only relapsed for two months but I felt how quickly my body deterioted and felt malnourished. Now I'm nourishing my body and my soul. I've started doing yoga. Today is the first day in ages I've felt good and up and genuinely happy. It's ...
Gah I cant stop self sabotaging. So I binged more the other day and went up 1.5kgs. I went well yesterday until 8:30pm when I started shoving raisin toast and peanut butter sandwiches. Managed to go down 300 grams. I want to hope that I will stop this shit now but don't feel that optimistic. Depression isn't helping.
Off to a bad start to the day. Woke up at 10:30 so good to sleep in. Weighed in down to 112.1, down 600grams. So that's good. Been awake 2.5hours and already binged. I stood at the fridge and shovelled in half a brownie and two slices of raisin bread. I stopped there and got myself away from the kitchen. I have calculated my calories and as long as I don't lose control the total is 1255 for the day.
My weight got back to where it was last Friday. Now to not be a stupid fatty and fuck it up this weekend. On other news my partner wants to have a "talk" tonight. I'm freaking out. it's not normal for him and I'm scared. What if he dumps me. What of he tells me he is clearing someone else. what if he asks me about my eating. I want to throw up.
I remember an old post I have on here where I sang the praises of digital scales and thier accuracy. Well spent a fortune on the Fitbit scales and the thing is so unreliable. I am anywhere from 111.7 to 113.1. I'm calling it the latter to be safe and just say I didn't lose any weight. I hope I am down tomorrow for my weekly weigh in. I need to be at least 400grams lower. The weekend is around the corner and I'm terrified I'll fuck up again. I don't trust myself at all. I'm such a stupid fatty. Well the cakes are baked and tonight need to decorate them ready to be collected tomorrow.
2.5 kgs down. Must had been holding a lot of water weight. Back to 113.1 kgs. My body seems to like that number it keeps going back there. I'm hoping I can get back down to at least 112.7kgs by Friday so I'm at least the same or lighter than last week. I don't deserve it but still want it. I have a cake order due for collection in two days so that will keep me busy in the evenings so less likely to fuck up. My long binge weekend did instil a fired up motivation to lose this weight. I can still make my birthday goal as long as I am strict and remain in control. I also purchased two bikinis. Fat girl high waisted bikinis but still more skin than i usually display. Should be here within the next 19 days so I need to lose as much as I can before they get here and get my stomach as flat as possible so I can wear them.
Gah 3 days of self sabotage. Three days of self hatred. Three days of punishing my body with food. So, so much food. I feel disgusting. I feel so heavy and lumpy. I'm up nearly 4kgs. I deserve all of it. I can't eat normally because I can't stop. I need to calculate every single thing that touches my lips. I can't go back and change anything I've done so now I need to just go forward and try and get back on track. I'm super bloated and fat and have to go on camera today blurgh. My anxiety is super high today and I feel like throwing up. Oh well just gotta get through today and hopefully I will see a change tomorrow in weight to spur me on.
Up 1.3kgs. I deserve it. I ate so freaking much yesterday. I had a smoothie for breakfast followed by some celery and eggplant dip. All good at that point but definately still hungry. Then we went out to run errands and my partner wanted to stop for lunch. Fuck. He stopped for a meat pie and I asked him to get me a l tub of mushy peas while I grabbed a coffee. While I got my coffee I grabbed a vegan muffin which I was going to split between four of us making it just 100cals. 250 Cals for coffee, muffin and peas, can work dinner around to make that for. Then my partner also got hot fries to share so I had 1/4 pack of hot fries. As soon as that happened the 'fuck it's switch clicked on and I was like I've done it now I might as well keep going. So for dinner we got takeout. I ate 2/3 a container of vegan nasi gorang, some deep fried vege balls, a vegan bbq steam bun, a vegan chicken leg, 3/4 of a Boston bun and 1 salted caramel icecream on a stick. I wish the temptation a...
I lost weight! I lost a kg. I don't deserve it but I can't help but be happy. I'm now at my lowest for so many tears. 111.7kgs. I'm being very risque and stupid posting right now. My fiance is asleep beside me and could wake up and see. Oh well sometimes it's fun to be reckless. The stomach cramps from the laxatives have started so much earlier then usual. Damn I wanted to hit the supermarket before it all kicked off now I don't know when that could be. 10 mins, 2 hours? Oh well such is life.
I binged tonight. It was on vegetables and the damage bill for today should only be like 1000 calories. That's not the point. The point is I lost control and I binged. I was weak and had no self control. I don't deserve a loss if I get one tomorrow. I've taken a bunch of laxatives and some painkillers. Hopefully I will have a good night sleep and be in a better mood tomorrow. Then hopefully I can get rid of this crap (literally). God this week has sucked and I hope to be out of this funk next week. That's all for tonight.
I didn't want to jump on the scales today. I knew it would be disappointing. I got on 112.7. 400 grams down. Whoopie fucking doo. Weight difference from last week's weigh in 100grams. A far cry from my 1kg minimum goal. Two terrible losses in two weeks. I should have never gone away I had finally gone into gear and the weight was falling off and I wasn't hungry. I'm not particularly hungry but the weight loss is a struggle. I've decided to take a bunch of laxatives tonight in the hope I can get my stomach less bloated and hard. I think I'm pretty constipated. No I know I'm pretty constipated. Well about tohave a long weekend. Tomorrow will be lots of time on the toilet and start baking cakes for a cake order. Sunday I'm seeing a friend and Monday going to the beach. I need to stay busy all weekend and see how many meals I can skip.
I hate my body. As I sat in bed last night moisturising all I could see was my fat bulging everywhere. I got so distressed to see just how much fat I have to lose I started to cry. I got up this morning and looked humungous in the mirror. I stood on the scales and 113.1. Fuck! I guess my binge day was a day late to arrive to my body but there it is. I deserve it. I don't expect a weight loss come my weekly weigh in tomorrow. I sometimes wonder whats the point of losing weight. I'm getting closer to forty. Even if I do lose weight my body is covered in psoriasis so I'll still dress like a Mormon. Plus I'll have so much baggy loose skin that I'll still be budget everywhere and I can't afford the $20k for a lower body lift, boob lift and upper arm skin removal. I have to get my photo taken today for work. It will be going on the website. I look like shit today. No amount of hair straightening and make up is going to hide my hideous fat self. I was tempted to c...
I woke up today just before 4am. Can't get back to sleep. My head is throbbing, I'm shaky and have terrible heartburn. I deserve this for being weak. I ate stuff I shouldn't yesterday. I had my low cal waffles in the morning. They didn't leave me satiated but I was committed to not stuff up. We went out to an appointment. My partner wanted to stop at shops. It was after lunchtime and they were hungry. So was I. So I ate. I didn't over do it and chose well. Higher then I usually eat but not earth shattering. Then we found my step daughter a phone on Facebook markets place an hour drive away. We did some grocery shopping then headed there. After we picked it up it was already dinner time and my family wanted to eat. So we had dinner at one of our favourite Asian restaurant chains. There were no good choices. I had a Dahl curry with fried roti (flat bread) the meal was too big and I are too much. I didn't finish the meal but I ate too much and it was washed down wi...
I feel so defeated today. My weight is up again, this time 900 grams. Wtf. I ate slightly more yesterday but still under 1000cals. I'm hungry and starving myself has seemed to stop working so why not eat. I want to eat normal. I want a sandwich. I was hot fries or roasted potatoes. I must resist. I must keep going knowing that eventually my body will get past this point and the number will go down. God I'm so angry today. Not wanting to sound like a whiney bitch but it's not fair. Plus I've woken up hungry which sucks. I will hold off as long as I can then I might make a 100cal waffle. I feel like something that resembles bad food today and a 100cap waffle with 10cal salted caramel sauce sounds like it'll do the trick.
I have my first appointment for my son at the paediatrician today. It's at the hospital. The same hospital I spent a long sleepless night at 3 months ago when my mother tried to kill herself. Unfortunately I got here early so I'm sipping coffee and reliving the experience. I still haven't forgiven her for it. I feel sad for her that she was in so much pain which makes me feel guilty and shame when I admit I haven't forgiven her. I have been at this hospital a few times now. For my mother, for my partner and for my son. Never for me. A part of me wants to get so sick from this that the people that love me have to visit me here. Are worried and concerned for me. I always feel like the caretaker of everyone that just occasionally I would like to be looked after and cared for. Nurtured. I crave nurturing.
Gah my body seems to be enjoying playing this game. Today 112.1kgs again! Third time in 5 days. I feel like I am never going to break past this point. I tried to motivate myself by looking at my weight trends on chronometer. I signed up on chronometer in early Dec 2015 at my highest weight 144.2kgs. I am now at my lowest weight since I signed up. This was supposed to make me feel better. It did'nt. All it did was make me angry at myself for a) ever getting that heavy in the first place and b) why the fuck has it taken me so long to get my shit together. I have to go to the chiropractor again today, 3rd time in a week. Doesnt feel like its helping. Costing so much money. At least I am spending less on food. So I made the best protein shake yesterday it was so good. Unfortunantly it comes in at 224 cals . I could cut out protein powder but then it wouldnt be satiating enough. I have cut the amount of protein to half a serve. Anyways it is: 1.5 tbsp apple pie flavour protein sh...
God I hate my body. I'm supposed to be 111 something today instead I'm up 400 grams and 112.5. Ate less than 800 grams and gained wtf. I'm so over this. I'm in a bad headspace and all I want to do is binge because their seems to be no point anyway. I must resist because I know eventually my body will behave and the number will go down.
My weight went back down to 112.1. I should be happy. I kinda am that it's gone down just annoys me that it fluctuates so much when I eat less than 800cals a day and my BMR is 1980. I really hope I can be less than 112 tomorrow. So went to my stepsons before to celebrate his 20th birthday and took food and cake. I had salad and some French fries. All up 295 calories. What a waste of our time and money, he spent the whole time just playing his fucking video games. Disrespectful rude asshole. I'm so over doing shit for people who don't appreciate it. I stayed up late last night and got up early today to make his cake. My fiance was let's say affectionate this morning. I really didn't want to be touched. I feel disgusting. I'm way too fat to deserve physical affection. I just hope some calories were burnt.
Today is not a good day. I'm up 700 grams. Fuck. My partner saw my weight today and said I think you weigh less than him. He was wrong I'm still 3kgs heavier. I lived about my weight loss and said I lost about 5kgs. He didnt know my starting weight so I was able to make out my starting weight was less.
Recovering from a migraine. Feeling pretty drained and tender. Weightloss is going well. I only need to lose another 700grams to be where I was before we went away. I doubt my weight will be under what it was last week for my weekly weigh in. So sick of being fat and disgusting. I want to walk into any shop and be able to wear anything.
Well the weekend away was nice but calorie wise a disaster. I gained 3 kgs. I felt full and gross the whole time. I tried to pick the best I could. I walked and swam. Hoping some is water weight. Every meal was horrible. I felt anxious. Oh well straight back into it. Today's calories 698. I'm so tired. The weekend was huge and non-stop. Everyone enjoyed it and it was nice to see everyone happy. That's all I got today.
Still binge free. Going away tomorrow which is kind of annoying now as I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride. Been successfully dropping my calories. Two days getting under 900 Cal's and today only 550. Yesterday and today no hunger. I feel like this weekend is going to put me back progress and headspace wise. I've actually been in a good mood most of today which has been nice. I've been pretty bleak of late. Even after I weighed in and was up 100grams. Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. It's the one that really counts. I'm scared my weight will go up again tomorrow and that would fuck my head up. So far Im only at 900 grams for the week. Definately not a great weight loss week. It's so frustrating. I am hoping to not go into binge mode once I relax my eating. I hope all the walking will help counteract some of the calories. I know I can't show any eating disorder behaviours because my step daughter will be with us and I definately don't want to...
The hunger is horribly bad today. I am so in binge mode. I'm trying so hard to resist. I'm looking forward to going away this weekend and having a break from the norm but also terrified about the food. Well not the food because right now I'm starving. I'm terrified about the weight gain. I know I want to try and eat well but scared I'm going fuck it all up and have a two day binge and undo the last few weeks of hard work. God J wish I felt I had the willpower I used to. I don't understand how in the past it's been so much easier to restrict then it is this time round. My scales gave me results all over the shop today. I either lost nothing or gained, but definately not a loss. I have feet problems which I need to get cortisone shots for which is happening in two weeks. I can't wait then I can go back to walking and back to the gym. I need to start losing weight faster. I'm on track with my birthday goal. It's not good enough I need more results...
When will this end. I don't remember the hunger being so bad last time. The constant evil mantra in my head..... Eat, eat, eat. The hunger gnaws at me constantly...... Eat, eat, eat. Fighting it is exhausting. Giving into it is torture. I will remain strong. My calories are too high I must go lower. The lower the calories the less the hunger affects me. I'm going to reduce by just 100 tomorrow and see how I go. I'm going away on the weekend. I'm looking forward to parts of it. Except the part with food. So much will be eating out gah.
Gah so I didn't stick to my preset food plan. I didn't too badly and not exactly what my calories were but estimate between 1200-1500 total. Annoyingly up 500 Cal's. Hoping it's water weight because the sauce of the Chinese vegetables was pretty salty. Had a donut and wasn't worth it. Was kinda stale so what a waste of calories. Back on track today and no more nonsense. About to watch a movie with the fam then maybe some gardening and gaming.
Haha it's the 14th and I way 114 exactly. That kind of symmetry pleases me. I lost my binge weight and am 1.5 away from my mini goal. It's 10:40am and I'm laying in bed trying to decide what to do today. Part of me wants to stay in bed and sleep. Part of me wants to go out and do something. If we go out that puts me in danger of eating the wrong things and sabotaging my progress like last weekend. It's not like I purposely decide to always fuck up when I'm out sometimes the options are limited. Hmmm was planning to go swimming so that burns calories and there's subway so I could just get a salad. Only problem with that is whatever they wash thier vegies with makes the vegetables repeat on me. Oh well need to go to shop and buy razors to shave before anything happens.
Well pleasant surprise when I hopped on the scales this morning. Down 1.8kgs. I'm 200 grams from loosing the binge weight. In a month I have lost 7.4kgs. I know I should be happy with this but I'm not even though I'm on track with my goal to be under 100kgs by my birthday so my fat ass can ride rollercoasters. I have been good and haven't binged even though I've felt on the precipice of one for days. Every day I resist a binge I feel like I'm getting stronger. More in control. I'm especially proud of myself considering I have had a really emotionally and mentally exhausting week and that's usually when I'm in my danger zone for comfort eating. My first mini goal is 2.2kgs away. My highest weight when I first started this blog over 8 years ago. Then to get under 110kgs then under 100kgs by my birthday. I'm not focusing on any other goals past that point yet. I'm just doing small achievable ones and when I reach one I will focus on the nex...
I'm in the danger zone of a binge today. I'm hungry and work is super stressful. Not a good combination. I am increasing to 1200 today to try and mitigate the risk. Cannot wait for boss to get back next week. It's hard without her to ask questions to on difficult claims. Oh well can only do what I can do. Fingers crossed I can control the urge to binge.
Yesterday was even worse than Saturday. I held off eating til lunch. Ate a salad and had a coffee. Waited a while for my hunger to go away. It didn't. Then I started eating anything and everything. Purged a little but not much as I was worried I would get caught. Laxatives barely did anything. So have gained nearly two kilos in two days. My own damn fault. I never want to do that to myself again. I felt awful. My stomach was so full and hurting so bad. I felt like garbage. I'm hungry today but working through it. I know it will pass and I just need to allow my stomach to shrink again. If I overeat it will take longer. I have been reading through my blog. I am so annoyed that I kept fucking up and started eating properly again. If I'd just stuck with it I would be at my goal by now. I'm sick of failing at everything. I just want to be successful in something and being skinny would be the best thing to successful in. My lunch break is nearly over and I don't fee...
Yesterday was disastrous. I ate 1999 calories. I lost myself to a binge. We went to a pancake restaurant for brunch which caused so much anxiety in me I was unpleasant company. I ended up getting one vegan gluten free pancake and maple syrup and a garden salad. It wasn't to bad at that point. Adding that and the 2 coffees I was at 470. Now the plan was to not eat again until dinner. Problem was we stopped at a candy warehouse to check it out. I thought I'd see if they had sugar free candy and if so grab some as I can only eat a small amount otherwise the sweeteners hurt my stomach. This was where things went wrong. Found the sugar free candy unfortunately right next to the vegan candy. They had these vegan peanut butter cups which are so fucking good and I haven't seen them in years. So I got one of those, along with some white chocolate and some wine gums. Now I had one peanut butter cup in the car. 120 Cal's not bad and was going to save the one serve of white cho...
I'm so upset and bewildered. My weight keeps going up. I'm eating under 1000 Cal's I don't know what's happening. I had gains everyday for the last three days. As much as I love my family I wish I could have a few weeks alone so I could liquid fast like I used to where I didn't go over 3kgs. I need to drop my cals to under 800 today or lower. We are going for pancakes tomorrow for a late father's Day thing for my partner so I know my calories will be higher. Even if I ate nothing else tomorrow the pancakes will probably be like 1290 Cal's. I'm getting anxious just thinking of it. I might have to take laxatives tomorrow night to help. Haven't taken laxatives in years.
I used to be able to write blogs everyday. Now I never know what to write. I'm doing fairly ok. M I felt like bingeing one night so I hate 1155 calories to stop the binge. I felt so guilty for seeing my calories go past the 1000. So far Ive list 6.6kgs in 20 days. It's more than I've lost in ages. Still can't see any difference and obviously no one else can either. I just want to look in the mirror one day and see jutting collarbones and prominent cheekbones. I hope I get there one day. I don't want to leave this world being the fat girl. My mantra ATM is pretty girls don't eat, pretty girls don't eat, pretty girls don't eat.
I thought I was better. I thought I was cured. It's been two years since I posted. And for a long time I was doing well. I was eating well and losing weight healthily. I tried keto and flourished until I had my first meal high carb. Then I struggled getting back into it. I lost 20kgs from it. I managed to maintain. This year has been hard. February I had a emotional breakdown. It started around my childhood sexual abuse traumaversity. I don't know why this year was different but it really rocked me to my core. The overwhelming emotions brought me to my knees. I had to take stress leave from work. I started to get past it and life was going well. I was approached by a recruiter for a new job which I got so was able to leave the terrible job I was in. Things were starting to go right. Then I received a phone call late one night from my mother saying goodbye and that she was ending it all. I got her to the ER in time and she is ok now. But I'm not! Then about a month a...