I have my first appointment for my son at the paediatrician today. It's at the hospital. The same hospital I spent a long sleepless night at 3 months ago when my mother tried to kill herself.

Unfortunately I got here early so I'm sipping coffee and reliving the experience. I still haven't forgiven her for it. I feel sad for her that she was in so much pain which makes me feel guilty and shame when I admit I haven't forgiven her.

I have been at this hospital a few times now. For my mother, for my partner and for my son. Never for me. A part of me wants to get so sick from this that the people that love me have to visit me here. Are worried and concerned for me. I always feel like the caretaker of everyone that just occasionally I would like to be looked after and cared for. Nurtured. I crave nurturing.