Today is a starting off well. I checked the scales three times. Each time 112.1 displayed at me. In three days I managed to lose the binge weight, hit my first mini goal of getting under my previous highest weight and have now lost 10kgs in nearly 6 weeks. Next mini goal to get under 110kgs.

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uhmmm oh uhmmm

So I just woke up and I am scared to go one the scales. I am scared to see the damage from last nights binge eeeek. But I cannot have a coffee until I do. Oh god might as well go get it over with, I am going to do it now. Please Ana by some miracle please don't let me have a gain. Damn well no luck there I have gained lots like 2.6 kgs. Well as soon as I get back I am taking a whole bunch of laxatives. And I am so puffy and bloated I need to get some diuretics this week. Well at least I am going to be going for a walk today although its only gonna take 30-45 mins I am expecting there's a huge steep hill so that should get my heart rate up. Definitely got to start doing cardio. I don't even want to go out now :( . Well maybe I should start doing other measurements as well so I can see and overall picture. Ok so here are the measurements: 113.5 cms Waist 135.0 cms Hips 116.5 cms Bust 76.5 cms Thighs 39.5 cms Upper Arms 52.0 cms Calves I am so disgusting. ...
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Well the scales are telling me I am up a kg but I am not listening to the nastiness because I know it is not a real gain. There are two reasons why it is up 1) I am constipated and 2) I have been working out heaps lately and can see and feel muscle and we all know muscle weighs more then fat. Plus I am eating so little a gain is impossible. I am fully loving my kid-free week. I am loving just exercising whenever I want for as long as I want. Yesterday I did do my yoga (110), done a brisk 45min walk to uni (330) and went to the gym and done 20minutes on the elliptical (231) as well as weight and strength training. I couldn't do my whole circuit I drank too much water then felt sick then felt really lightheaded and did not want to faint. So I went and had a fruit and nut cluster thing and had a shower. My calorie intake was 411 yesterday higher then I wanted but those nut things are nasty like that. Still better then the embarrassing of passing out ...
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Morning Lovelies, Down another 500grams. This time I feel like I deserve it. Still 4.3kgs off birthday goal. Hoping after I take some laxatives on the weekend I will lose quite a bit. I haven't been able to go to the toilet properly for like a week and its making me feel pretty lousy. I don't know why it popped in my head but I was just thinking on how sad it makes me feel that one day my partner is going to figure out that my eating disorder is active again. I know he will be upset, angry, concerned etc. It sucks knowing that I will have to lie to him and that will hurt him the most. I am not going to delude myself or anyone else that I won't be dishonest with him about my eating to protect my disorder. No one who never has had eating problems will understand the level of comfort and security that comes with it. That it is like a companion that never leaves your side. Whats sad is that I feel this way about something that wants to destroy my life. The rational part...
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