I have not stopped peeing all day I better see a loss tomorrow.

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Morning Lovelies, Down another 500grams. This time I feel like I deserve it. Still 4.3kgs off birthday goal. Hoping after I take some laxatives on the weekend I will lose quite a bit. I haven't been able to go to the toilet properly for like a week and its making me feel pretty lousy. I don't know why it popped in my head but I was just thinking on how sad it makes me feel that one day my partner is going to figure out that my eating disorder is active again. I know he will be upset, angry, concerned etc. It sucks knowing that I will have to lie to him and that will hurt him the most. I am not going to delude myself or anyone else that I won't be dishonest with him about my eating to protect my disorder. No one who never has had eating problems will understand the level of comfort and security that comes with it. That it is like a companion that never leaves your side. Whats sad is that I feel this way about something that wants to destroy my life. The rational part...
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Well the scales are telling me I am up a kg but I am not listening to the nastiness because I know it is not a real gain. There are two reasons why it is up 1) I am constipated and 2) I have been working out heaps lately and can see and feel muscle and we all know muscle weighs more then fat. Plus I am eating so little a gain is impossible. I am fully loving my kid-free week. I am loving just exercising whenever I want for as long as I want. Yesterday I did do my yoga (110), done a brisk 45min walk to uni (330) and went to the gym and done 20minutes on the elliptical (231) as well as weight and strength training. I couldn't do my whole circuit I drank too much water then felt sick then felt really lightheaded and did not want to faint. So I went and had a fruit and nut cluster thing and had a shower. My calorie intake was 411 yesterday higher then I wanted but those nut things are nasty like that. Still better then the embarrassing of passing out ...
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They say slow and steady wins the race!

First off just want to say a big thankyou to Marti  for you nice comment cannot believe you love my blog. It has made my day. I think it will take me a few days to get caught up on yours. Struggling to get motivated today. Couldn't get to sleep last night so got up and cleaned and then slept in and struggled staying awake, thank goodness the coffee is finally starting to work. Ok I should have trusted my instincts I did gain even though MFP said I was in deficit gah because today I am at 97.6kgs. I do not know if I will hit 96.9 kgs by tomorrow I am damn sure going to try. Well my mother is coming back tomorrow for 2 days and it is my birthday tomorrow so eating will happen fuck. But after she leaves I am going to try a diet, not sure which one yet any suggestions please girls because my weight loss is going way to slow atm and I will never get down to 88.5 kgs by the start of my uni semester at this rate. I know I need to start exercising again but I just cannot handle ...
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