I feel so defeated today. My weight is up again, this time 900 grams. Wtf. I ate slightly more yesterday but still under 1000cals. I'm hungry and starving myself has seemed to stop working so why not eat. I want to eat normal. I want a sandwich. I was hot fries or roasted potatoes. I must resist. I must keep going knowing that eventually my body will get past this point and the number will go down. God I'm so angry today. Not wanting to sound like a whiney bitch but it's not fair. Plus I've woken up hungry which sucks. I will hold off as long as I can then I might make a 100cal waffle. I feel like something that resembles bad food today and a 100cap waffle with 10cal salted caramel sauce sounds like it'll do the trick.
Morning Lovelies, Down another 500grams. This time I feel like I deserve it. Still 4.3kgs off birthday goal. Hoping after I take some laxatives on the weekend I will lose quite a bit. I haven't been able to go to the toilet properly for like a week and its making me feel pretty lousy. I don't know why it popped in my head but I was just thinking on how sad it makes me feel that one day my partner is going to figure out that my eating disorder is active again. I know he will be upset, angry, concerned etc. It sucks knowing that I will have to lie to him and that will hurt him the most. I am not going to delude myself or anyone else that I won't be dishonest with him about my eating to protect my disorder. No one who never has had eating problems will understand the level of comfort and security that comes with it. That it is like a companion that never leaves your side. Whats sad is that I feel this way about something that wants to destroy my life. The rational part...
Comments
Post a Comment