I'm the queen of self sabotage. I'm binging. Could stop now plenty of damage done but no I have plenty more I want to stuff into my disgusting self. I deserve to be fat and miserable. I bring it on myself. I'm never going to be skinny. I have no control. I need my control back.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I know I've been quiet of late. I'm trying hard at recovery ATM. Harder than before. Really trying to dig deep into the emotions that lay behind it.  My partner is trying to support me the best way he can by checking in with how my mental health is is. And I'm honest with him. I tell him when my head is loud or I just feel numb. Food is still scary and anxiety still occurs. I've stopped counting calories and it's really fucking hard. I still weigh daily but I'm sure that will stop over time. I put on a kg very fast once I told my partner. I have lost that and my body seems to be comfortable at the 113.5 mark ATM. I have also started eating raw vegan.im going to try and stay raw most of the time for summer. I only relapsed for two months but I felt how quickly my body deterioted and felt malnourished. Now I'm nourishing my body and my soul. I've started doing yoga. Today is the first day in ages I've felt good and up and genuinely happy. It's ...
Read more
Well the scales are telling me I am up a kg but I am not listening to the nastiness because I know it is not a real gain. There are two reasons why it is up 1) I am constipated and 2) I have been working out heaps lately and can see and feel muscle and we all know muscle weighs more then fat. Plus I am eating so little a gain is impossible. I am fully loving my kid-free week. I am loving just exercising whenever I want for as long as I want. Yesterday I did do my yoga (110), done a brisk 45min walk to uni (330) and went to the gym and done 20minutes on the elliptical (231) as well as weight and strength training. I couldn't do my whole circuit I drank too much water then felt sick then felt really lightheaded and did not want to faint. So I went and had a fruit and nut cluster thing and had a shower. My calorie intake was 411 yesterday higher then I wanted but those nut things are nasty like that. Still better then the embarrassing of passing out ...
Read more

uhmmm oh uhmmm

So I just woke up and I am scared to go one the scales. I am scared to see the damage from last nights binge eeeek. But I cannot have a coffee until I do. Oh god might as well go get it over with, I am going to do it now. Please Ana by some miracle please don't let me have a gain. Damn well no luck there I have gained lots like 2.6 kgs. Well as soon as I get back I am taking a whole bunch of laxatives. And I am so puffy and bloated I need to get some diuretics this week. Well at least I am going to be going for a walk today although its only gonna take 30-45 mins I am expecting there's a huge steep hill so that should get my heart rate up. Definitely got to start doing cardio. I don't even want to go out now :( . Well maybe I should start doing other measurements as well so I can see and overall picture. Ok so here are the measurements: 113.5 cms Waist 135.0 cms Hips 116.5 cms Bust 76.5 cms Thighs 39.5 cms Upper Arms 52.0 cms Calves I am so disgusting. ...
Read more