I thought I was better. I thought I was cured. It's been two years since I posted. And for a long time I was doing well. I was eating well and losing weight healthily. I tried keto and flourished until I had my first meal high carb. Then I struggled getting back into it. I lost 20kgs from it. I managed to maintain.
This year has been hard. February I had a emotional breakdown. It started around my childhood sexual abuse traumaversity. I don't know why this year was different but it really rocked me to my core. The overwhelming emotions brought me to my knees. I had to take stress leave from work.
I started to get past it and life was going well. I was approached by a recruiter for a new job which I got so was able to leave the terrible job I was in. Things were starting to go right.
Then I received a phone call late one night from my mother saying goodbye and that she was ending it all. I got her to the ER in time and she is ok now. But I'm not!
Then about a month ago I went to start therapy with a new psychologist to help with all the traumas and to start working through my PTSD. All I wanted to do after I left was eat. I felt so raw and exposed. I stayed strong and stayed on my keto plan that night. Next day I broke and that led to 3 weeks of my BED at the worst it's been in years. I gained 6 kgs in those 3 weeks.
That's when she woke. I thought she had left but she had just been hibernating deep within my bones watching, waiting. Waiting for a moment when I was vunerable enough to get back into my brain. Her voice got louder and louder by the day. Then I had stomach bug on the weekend and lost some weight from not being able to eat. That was her time to embrace me in her icy hold. I know I should resist. I know I should fight. I don't want to. I missed her and welcome my old friend back with open arms and empty stomach.
I current rule is nothing over 1000 calories. I'm sitting between 900-999 daily however I know it won't be long until she insists below 800. Below 500. Below 300. I don't care. I'll do what she tells me.
I'm terrified about tomorrow. We have a meeting being catered for and they are catering vegan so I have no excuse but to accept. God please let it contain kale which I'm allergic to. I need an excuse. Damn flu season. I've already had too many days off I can't risk calling in sick to avoid it.
Well I've been sitting in my car at the station for ages now and my family will be wondering where I am so I better go. I don't know when I'll post again.
JB
This year has been hard. February I had a emotional breakdown. It started around my childhood sexual abuse traumaversity. I don't know why this year was different but it really rocked me to my core. The overwhelming emotions brought me to my knees. I had to take stress leave from work.
I started to get past it and life was going well. I was approached by a recruiter for a new job which I got so was able to leave the terrible job I was in. Things were starting to go right.
Then I received a phone call late one night from my mother saying goodbye and that she was ending it all. I got her to the ER in time and she is ok now. But I'm not!
Then about a month ago I went to start therapy with a new psychologist to help with all the traumas and to start working through my PTSD. All I wanted to do after I left was eat. I felt so raw and exposed. I stayed strong and stayed on my keto plan that night. Next day I broke and that led to 3 weeks of my BED at the worst it's been in years. I gained 6 kgs in those 3 weeks.
That's when she woke. I thought she had left but she had just been hibernating deep within my bones watching, waiting. Waiting for a moment when I was vunerable enough to get back into my brain. Her voice got louder and louder by the day. Then I had stomach bug on the weekend and lost some weight from not being able to eat. That was her time to embrace me in her icy hold. I know I should resist. I know I should fight. I don't want to. I missed her and welcome my old friend back with open arms and empty stomach.
I current rule is nothing over 1000 calories. I'm sitting between 900-999 daily however I know it won't be long until she insists below 800. Below 500. Below 300. I don't care. I'll do what she tells me.
I'm terrified about tomorrow. We have a meeting being catered for and they are catering vegan so I have no excuse but to accept. God please let it contain kale which I'm allergic to. I need an excuse. Damn flu season. I've already had too many days off I can't risk calling in sick to avoid it.
Well I've been sitting in my car at the station for ages now and my family will be wondering where I am so I better go. I don't know when I'll post again.
JB
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