The hunger is horribly bad today. I am so in binge mode. I'm trying so hard to resist. I'm looking forward to going away this weekend and having a break from the norm but also terrified about the food. Well not the food because right now I'm starving. I'm terrified about the weight gain. I know I want to try and eat well but scared I'm going fuck it all up and have a two day binge and undo the last few weeks of hard work. God J wish I felt I had the willpower I used to. I don't understand how in the past it's been so much easier to restrict then it is this time round.

My scales gave me results all over the shop today. I either lost nothing or gained, but definately not a loss. I have feet problems which I need to get cortisone shots for which is happening in two weeks. I can't wait then I can go back to walking and back to the gym. I need to start losing weight faster. I'm on track with my birthday goal. It's not good enough I need more results. I need to get smaller. I need to lose my second chin. I need my forearms to not look like a normal persons upper arm.

I have really wanted to cut but there's no way I can without the cuts being seen by my fiance. So my compromise is to scratch words into my flesh with my nails. I do this at work so they fade by the time I go home. I might have scratched he word ugly a bit too hard as it's still showing. Will have to be careful not showing that one tonight. I don't want to talk about it.

Gah three days to drop as much weight as possible before I go away. Hoping if I hot my first mini goal before I go away it will motivate me to stay strong and resist going overboard.