Grin for Thin

Like seriously I have no idea. There I was one minute fine and strong then the next I was scarfing down food in a mall. Which I never do because I hate eating in front of people. But it didn't stop there I brought more food to take home for the mega binge. I didn't even purge any of it up. Now I am riddled with guilt not just from the binge but from the fact I ate the marshmallows I had for trick or treaters which have gelatine. I feel like a poor excuse of a vegan and a human being today. I have never binged with animal products since I have been vegan, I cannot believe I let my morals drop. I am ashamed and disgusted with my self. I took a lot of laxatives and had bad tummy pains during the night and trips to the toilet. I embraced it all, I deserved it. They are still working through me and I am still getting moments of being bent over in pain and it is good. I think I can safely say that my chances of being at my FGW in 5 days are gone. I am liquid fasting until sunday, as...

According to my scales I have gained :( . I am a little at a loss to why, I only ate 337 calories and burned 383 doing exercise which is not a lot but still put me in deficit for the day. Unless it's muscle mass but seriously you can't gain muscle mass in a couple of days can you? well now I am 3.9 kgs away from my FGW in 6 days. Fuck fuckity fuck. And my stomach is bloated and totally gross today. Well clearly that was not the start to the day I was hoping for so I am all depressed and shit. Well I have a lecture to get to. Hope everyone's day is going better then mine. JB xoxo

Woot woot I lost 800 grams since yesterday. Which now brings me 3.5 kgs to lose by the 6th of November. I felt so unwell last night and I have no idea why. Thankfully I feel better today. My muscles are a little sore today, might need to take some extra magnesium with my multi's. Anyways I am going to put up the estimated weight loss and timeline I got from losertown. Day Weight Calories Used Your Calorie Deficit 11/04/2011 102.28 2796.68 2446.68 11/11/2011 100.08 2762.51 2412.51 11/18/2011 97.9 2728.83 2378.83 11/25/2011 95.76 2695.61 2345.61 12/02/2011 93.64 2662.86 2312.86 12/09/2011 91.56 2630.56 2280.56 12/16/2011 89.5 2598.72 2248.72 12/23/2011 87.47 2567.32 2217.32 ...

The boy I am crushing over flirted back with me and invited me to his Halloween party he is having tonight and I can't go cos I got no babysitter. Totally sucks. Other then that it has been a fairly good day. Calories dead on 350 and I have burnt off 510 so in deficit today of 160 if my maths skills are working. Well I am going to mope now and do some study. JB xoxo

Was just replying to a comment on here and working out what I can eat today and stay under 350 calories when I get a IM on facebook. It was one of my friend's saying that she watched this doco called 'THIN" which I have seen and she said "man that must be living hell to have anorexia, pure hell!!!!" I replied with "yeah I guess". Well I couldn't go saying it has it's good moments and it's bad moments and being fat is worse hell then starving. I just got back from the store which was hard because it made me hungry but I survived and am ok now I am back home no longer hungry. JB xoxoxo

For some reason I am struggling staying awake. Could have something to do with watching 'Nightmare on Elm Street 1,2,3' last night until really late. Going to buy halloween supplies today. Oh the boy I am totally crushing is definately going to the same event as me. Bad news is I checked out losertown and according to that I will not be under 100 kgs by then fuckkkkkkkkkk. Going to buy diuretics next week to take before the event to make sure I don't look all puffy. Cmon girls I need to shed 4.3 kgs in 8 days, How can I do it? Well I hate breakfast I ate it yesterday and then I was hungry all day and ate far too many calories like 1000  and then I b/p. At least I still lost 400 grams. But I need to step it up I need to lose nearly 600 grams a day to get under the 100kgs before the 6th. Well I finally started doing some exercise yesterday but I am so unfit that it was a small amount in the end burned about 271 calories. But it is a start and it is going to be hard while I ...

Woot! I dropped a whole kg since yesterday. Knew I was full of shit hahahahaha. Ok so now I need to lose 4.7 kgs in 9 days. The reason I have such a strict timeline to get under a 100 kgs is because of a boy *sigh*. Who I am pretty sure doesn't see me that way. We have only ever chatted online and never met in person but I am pretty sure he will be at this thing I am going to in 9 days. So I want to be looking slightly less gross by then. I must find my measuring tape today and do my measurements it has been two weeks. Downloaded some kickboxing exercise video so I am going to try that soon. I have been enjoying catching up  on everyone's blogs. You all seem to be doing well. Keep up the hard work ladies. JB xoxo

Half way through the bottle of warm salt water blurgh hate it. Feel like I am drinking a hot ocean. Salt water flushes are disgusting. My mother left today after three days of major damage. I am so weak, I ate so much. I gained 1.9 kgs in 3 days. I am so hopeless *sigh*. I have missed reading everyone's blogs as soon as she left BAM I was on here. So CW 105.6 and I must lose at least 5.7 kgs in 10 days. Somehow I will make it happen. I have been hungry since I woke up, hate that after bingeing. I will not go over 1000 calories today. If I can get away with less and not binge I will. After all the grossness of the salt water flush is over I am going to do some cardio. Any suggestions???? Hope everyone is staying strong and thinking thin. JB xoxo

Ok well now the scales are showing a gain. I guess it was a little delayed for the cupcakes to show. I had a 200 grams gain. Not heartbroken because I expected it just disappointed in myself. Yesterday I ate more then I should but then I am always hungry after a binge and I ended up eating 614 calories for the day. *WARNING* The next paragraph is going to be me bitching and whining. Skip if you wish. Ok so here it is. My mother is coming to stay for 3 whole fucking days fuck fuck fuckity fuck. How much am I going to gain in this time????? I know it sounds like a cop out but besides keeping up appearances so not to rouse any suspicion, she triggers me. She always makes me feel shit about myself. I got kicked out when I was 13 and only when I moved back in at 16 did I start gaining weight. And it happens every time we live together I start gaining. I will try to behave and stay under 1000 calories but in all honesty I am not feeling strong. She was pissing...

Either my scale is not working properly or I have unknowingly moved to another plane of existence. So again the same weight as the past two days. Which does not make sense as I ate yesterday at the kids party. Why? Well because I was too tired and too itchy to give a shit. That was all relatively healthy so was not too concerned. The concerning part was whilst being all doped out on the drowsy antihistamines last night and in effect getting the munchies, I ate 4 cupcakes. They didn't have frosting but still four freaking cupcakes. So how have I not gained? It just does not seem possible so my thinking is the scale is not working properly. I look so freaking puffy today. And too top it all off I still have hives. I try not to feel sorry for myself as a lot of people have it far worse, but today I am failing and I do feel sorry for myself. Sigh. I am itchy and still drowsy. JB xoxo

So last night all of of a sudden my skin erupted and got insanely itchy. Dammit I have hives. Extremely tired and emotional and so so itchy I want to tear my skin off. The itch went away for maybe 3 hours then at 4am it woke me up. Just want to go to the chemist and get some benidryl. Have to wait for friend to pick up cake first then I will be there so fast then come home and cover myself in oatmeal. I also have a fever which makes it worse because a) the extra heat aggravates the hives and b) I already feel as if I am freezing and I need to apply cold compress to help with the itchiness.  And to make it even worse I am all bloated and have gained 400 grams although I do not believe it is real weight because I only ate 350 calories yesterday, so not stressing about that atm and frankly I am too itchy and in to much pain to give a shit today. Well that's my whinge over. Hope everyone is feeling better then I am. JB xoxo

OMG eight followers, I feel so blessed. Other good news I didn't gain in fact I lost 600 grams and am now 600 grams from my mini goal and 3.1 kgs from my first GW. I need to find one of those weight loss trackers for my blog. Anyone know of any good ones???? Today is the day I do all my measurements and I need to find my measure eeeek. But it will have to wait got to get these darn cakes done. Well I hope everyone else is feeling strong and positive today. JB xoxo

God I am so fucking hopeless I binged....... again.......... The cake mix I made was more like fucking cookie dough so I couldn't use the cakes, so instead of throwing them out like I should have I ate like 1/3 of one. No wonder I am such a useless fat slob who nobody could ever truly love. I purged and purged and purged until all I could taste was bile. I was still so fucking angry with myself that I went into a rage and started clawing and punching the shit out of myself. Downside is that I will have marks there now. I just know I am going to gain from that even though I purged the hardest I ever had in my life. I was not even hungry. I do not know why I did it. Ok leaving my pity party now. So I have been thinking of what my UGW will be and I have decided on 58 kgs. That was how much I used to weigh when I actually liked my body. And being that I am 5"9 that will put me underweight yay. I have a long way to go well 45 kgs to be exact. I can do it I know I can. I can be th...

God I am so fucking hopeless I binged....... again.......... The cake mix I made was more like fucking cookie dough so I couldn't use the cakes, so instead of throwing them out like I should have I ate like 1/3 of one. No wonder I am such a useless fat slob who nobody could ever truly love. I purged and purged and purged until all I could taste was bile. I was still so fucking angry with myself that I went into a rage and started clawing and punching the shit out of myself. Downside is that I will have marks there now. I just know I am going to gain from that even though I purged the hardest I ever had in my life. I was not even hungry. I do not know why I did it. Ok leaving my pity party now. So I have been thinking of what my UGW will be and I have decided on 58 kgs. That was how much I used to weigh when I actually liked my body. And being that I am 5"9 that will put me underweight yay. I have a long way to go well 45 kgs to be exact. I can do it I know I can. I can be th...

I feel like I have been hit by a freight train. I think I am getting sick which totally sucks. Ok so yesterday I weighed myself and no change big poo, but when I weighed myself today I dropped a kilo yay. SO making a new mini goal. Since I started at 112.5 kgs (omg I hate saying it or rather typing it outloud) I am going to make my first mini goal 102.5 kgs, the 10 kg mark. Well I have a new obsession celery with mustard, it is so good and one whole stalk with a tablespoon of mustard only comes to 25 calories. My calories were 400 two days ago and 300 yesterday. Well I have been asked to make a cake for a lil girl yay finally I can do some pink. So that will keep me busy for today and tomorrow, then I am going to help out at the party. Then I have make more cakes for my sons birthday. So I will be really busy for the next week, which is great less temptation to eat. I have 1.4 kgs until my mini goal and 3.7 kgs until my first GW. Hope everyone out there is also doing well. Oh and welco...

Yay 5 followers, thanks girls. Ok I b/p last night, which was disgusting. I lost 400 grams since yesterday bringing me 4.7 kgs until my first GW. Honestly I feel like I am never even going to make it there. My son's birthday is in 6 days and my mum will be down for that so that means food, fuckkkkkk. I just cannot get away from it. Oh well I really got to try and lose as much as I can before then. Well cannot think of much else to say. JB xoxo

I am so bored and have no money to do anything fun gah. I lost 500 grams, more than I thought I would but still 900 grams to go before I am back to where I was 2 days ago. It is so scary how quick it comes back on. So cannot wait to get my low cal sweetener tomorrow. The one I am using at the moment is not much different to cane sugar except its lower GI. Three cups of coffee = 190 cals leaving me 110 for the rest of the day. Thank god for shiritaki noodles. The worse thing for me about binging besides the weight gain is that it triggers off my hunger. Woke up hungry today so I am going to have to be super super strong. I want to get back to not even feeling hunger. JB xoxo

I gained 1.4 kgs in one day fuckkkkkkkkkk. So depressed right now. Stupid food I didn't even want. I hate eating, I hate knowing if I put it in my mouth I will probably gain. Had to eat again today hope I am 1000 cals max. I cannot handle another gain. Hate having to keep up appearances. Took half a dozen laxatives. Must get this food out. I feel like I am suffocating under all my fat, the bony me is trying to claw her way out. JB xoxo

I miss sleep. When I do sleep I keep waking up all time and have horrific nightmares that leave you a lil creeped out the following day. But it will be worth it when I am thin. I feel like a fraud when I read other girls blogs, ya'll so small already and I look at me and I am a poster child for obesity. I do not look like someone who has an ED. If I had the balls I would put up a picture of me. Didn't lose anything since yesterday and I know I will gain today because I have to eat pastry's and baked goods ffs. I am totally freaking about that. I don't want to go higher I am getting closer to my first GW and now its going to take longer. I look so puffy today must drink heaps of water today. There must have been lots of salt in the packaged food I binged on last night. So having a laxative day monday or even tomorrow as soon as my mother leaves. Well going to go do something and start moving my fat self. JB xoxo

So mum calls and confirms she is staying here tomorrow night and then asks "darling I have a request for dinner I am craving your vegan sausage rolls can you please make them" I reply "sure mum". I mean how could I say no but now I have to make them and worst have to eat them fucking disaster. to not eat them would be crazy of me, my mother knows me very well and it may lead to early suspicion and I cannot be having that. I was forced to eat lunch today when I was out with my aunt, she gave me a strange look when I said I wasn't going to get lunch. She made a comment about no doubt its hard for me to find food out being a vegan. But just to be safe not to alert my family I bought a small fruit salad (around 140 cals). And then I was hungry after that so I binged tonight  only binged on lower calorie stuff but was still a binge, total daily calorie intake = 997 (phew just under a 1000 thank goodness). Well not going to the BBQ tomorrow due to it being cancelled b...

Well yesterday I made cupcakes and had one and also tasted as I was cooking. I think I stayed under 1000 calories but by how much I honestly don't know. But I still lost 400 grams which is better then I thought I would. The biggest shock was the measurements today, which are as follows: 107.5 cm Waist, loss of 6 cm 130 cm Hips, loss of 5 cm 110 cm Bust, loss of 6.5 cm 75 cm Thighs, loss of 1.5 cm 38 cm Upper Arms, loss of 1.5 cm 49 cm Calves, loss of 3 cm. I do not know if I believe these number they just seem to good to be true. I just hope my body is eating my fat and not my muscle. I do not know if it is irrational or not but I am totally scared that my body will eat my muscle and then I'll still be trapped under all the fat and won't be able to see that I am skinnier. Plus side mum noticed I lost weight. I pretended I didn't think I had. Best part is I know she is not lying because she is the one person who tells me the truth even when I do not want to hear ...

I was very good yesterday even with mum here I only consumed 629 calories and appeared normal woot. I lost another 500 grams and am now only 4.6 kgs from my first GW. I finally found my mojo with this and my hunger has gone. Love not craving to eat. Sleep has turned to shit though damned insomnia. Got so much to do today but I am so tired but oh well I will survive. JB xoxo

I am so tired and I didn't get much sleep. Oh yay uni today <sarcasm face>. Well lost 500 grams since yesterday which is poo because I was hoping for at least 700 grams. Well probably wont be able to post on here until tomorrow night and I wont be able to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Oh the horror. My body is hurting everywhere and I have to sit in uncomfortable seats all day. I am so not a morning person. Well hope everyone is well. Signing out JB xoxo

Days like today I hate being a woman. Well mum is coming to stay tomorrow night eeek which means I have to eat, I don't want to. I am finally feeling strong again. Today's cal intake is sitting at 187 and I am feeling totally full. A guy I have been talking to who is very compatible for me is going to the same thing as me on the weekend. So who knows it might develop into something and if it doesn't I have another friend. But just in case I got to get as much weight off before then. I was hoping to lose a lot more before meeting him but oh well cannot do anything about it. I will try my best to look as well I won't say hot because I am too fat to pull that off but perhaps good enough to be a possible suitee. Anyways I am trying not to get my hopes up because I don't think I am emotionally stable enough for yet another rejection. I can't wait to be thin and hot again and be the rejector instead of the rejected. Well I better get my son to bed and myself uni ...

I haven't lost anything since yesterday which sucks because I only had 376 cals yesterday. I better see movement on the scales tomorrow. Doesn't look like I am going to lose the weight before my mother gets here tomorrow which means I am going to have a gain because I have to eat to appear 'normal'. Which totally sucks. Well I am off to do more study. JB xoxo

I feel like shit. Cramps, headache and bloated just wanna die. But lost another 500 grams since yesterday so that's a relief, the purge worked. I have 5.6 kgs until my first GW seems like its going to take forever. I have lost 6.9 kgs so far (15 pounds). Oh well as long as I am losing I should be grateful. I am going back to lay down for a lil while. JB xoxoxo

Man I forgot how much hard work purging was. I hate it! but at least I can go to bed fairly confident that I should still see a loss tomorrow. I think that having a binge was inevitable tonight because it just became that time of the month for me. I have read on other girls blogs that their periods do the opposite I wish mine were like that. God I hope I got it all up because it was nearly a 1000 cal binge. Other than that all I had was like 250 cals today. Well I am going to bed cos I feel like crap both from periods and purge. Night all JB xoxoxo

Weight loss is so much slower this time but still it's a loss. 800 grams since yesterday and still 6.1 kgs off my first GW. I really need to lose another 2.1 kgs by the time my mother gets here in 3 days. Not sure it is going to happen but I am going to keep going with just liquids. I resisted a binge last night it was hard but I survived. So yay for me. Well I have a big day planned so I am going to go now. JB xoxo

Exam in a month must start preparing for it, feel like studying like I feel like a hole in the head. But I lost 700grams since yesterday only 100 grams shy of my pre-binge weight woot. Well my cals were 270 yesterday gonna aim for that or lower today. Well I better stop procrastinating. Ciao for now JB  xoxoxo

Ok so this weeks measurements are: 109.5 cms Waist loss of 3 cms 132 cms Hips loss of 3 cms 115 cms Bust los of  1.5 cms 76 cms Thighs loss of .5 cms 38.5 cms Upper arms loss of 1 cm 49 cms Calves loss of 3 cms. So pretty good results really given my shit week with all my bingeing. Weight loss for the week was only 1.8 kgs but you get that when you can't control yourself. I am going to bed soon and my cals are at 98 so good day today. Starve on pretties JB xoxoxo

So gained 800grams which sucks but not totally devastating as I seriously thought I would have gained more. So plans today are go grocery shopping gah because I didn't go yesterday. Come home make a low cal soup and then clean  like crazy. Also take a handful of laxatives so tomorrow god damn it I will have had a loss. No solids today or for a few days just liquids. My low cal soup is more a vege broth so I class that as liquid. My mother is coming to stay a night in 5 days and I want to lose 3.8kgs by then so no more than 300 cals and loads of water. JB xoxo

God I am so useless! I binged then binged some more calories I don't know somewhere in the millions probably. What is my current obsession with mash potato and gravy. God I hate myself no wonder I am such a useless fat nothing.  And the sad thing is I will probably die a useless fat nothing because I can't stop shoveling food down my fucking throat. That is it I am not allowed to binge anymore unless I purge it all up straightaway and as I hate purging maybe it will deter me. The food made me feel ill I could of purged but I didn't. I even started sweating as soon as I finished eating. Why is it I start making headway and then I sabotage myself , everytime.  I really do hate myself. I wish I could go to sleep and cease to exist. JB xoxo

Hmmm no change on the scales since yesterday so going to restrict today and stay under 300 calories and get my body working again. Although I have been cramping so could just be that time of the month. I have to go grocery shopping today noooooooooo it will be hard. I must be strong, I must be strong, I must be strong! Surely if I say it enough I can be right? Must look for these Indian meals in there that only have like 110 cals each. Can't I just go back to bed? If I am sleeping I can't consume calories but be burning them off instead. JB xoxo

I feel so numb lately. Not depressed just numb. I do not want anyone around me, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I have been deep in thought lately with things like am I following the right career path? Am I gay, straight, asexual? Where do I fit in in the world? In all honesty if I didn't have my son I would wander into the wild and disconnect from society, technology, responsibilities and just find myself. And although I know the world deems my eating behavior unhealthy I am totally at peace with it. It feels right! On other news no problem keeping my cals at 1000 in fact in seems like far too much food. So time to start trimming things down. I lost 400grams since yesterday and am finally back to where I was 5 days ago before I went binge crazy. I didn't end up buying diuretics yesterday I ran out of cash. So my goal on 20kgs in 6 weeks does not seem like its going to happen still fingers crossed. JB xoxo