Morning Lovelies,
Down another 500grams. This time I feel like I deserve it. Still 4.3kgs off birthday goal. Hoping after I take some laxatives on the weekend I will lose quite a bit. I haven't been able to go to the toilet properly for like a week and its making me feel pretty lousy.
I don't know why it popped in my head but I was just thinking on how sad it makes me feel that one day my partner is going to figure out that my eating disorder is active again. I know he will be upset, angry, concerned etc. It sucks knowing that I will have to lie to him and that will hurt him the most. I am not going to delude myself or anyone else that I won't be dishonest with him about my eating to protect my disorder.
No one who never has had eating problems will understand the level of comfort and security that comes with it. That it is like a companion that never leaves your side. Whats sad is that I feel this way about something that wants to destroy my life.
The rational part of me knows the facts and the figures but seeing the numbers go down or not eating while everyone around me stuffs their face makes me feel good. Makes me feel like I can be in the world with them but not be just like them. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Maybe I am just rambling.
Much Love,
JB
xoxo
Down another 500grams. This time I feel like I deserve it. Still 4.3kgs off birthday goal. Hoping after I take some laxatives on the weekend I will lose quite a bit. I haven't been able to go to the toilet properly for like a week and its making me feel pretty lousy.
I don't know why it popped in my head but I was just thinking on how sad it makes me feel that one day my partner is going to figure out that my eating disorder is active again. I know he will be upset, angry, concerned etc. It sucks knowing that I will have to lie to him and that will hurt him the most. I am not going to delude myself or anyone else that I won't be dishonest with him about my eating to protect my disorder.
No one who never has had eating problems will understand the level of comfort and security that comes with it. That it is like a companion that never leaves your side. Whats sad is that I feel this way about something that wants to destroy my life.
The rational part of me knows the facts and the figures but seeing the numbers go down or not eating while everyone around me stuffs their face makes me feel good. Makes me feel like I can be in the world with them but not be just like them. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Maybe I am just rambling.
Much Love,
JB
xoxo
Do you take fiber supplements at all? I take 10-15g of Fibersure/Benefiber in my coffee every morning and I swear by it. As long as I've got solids going in, I haven't *needed* laxatives for a couple of years.
ReplyDeleteI can relate a lot. It does make sense. I hope your partner is understanding when he finds out about your ED. I've always been brutally honest and never tried to lie about it, which probably didn't help my last relationship, but keeping it in just wasn't possible.
<3
xx
Hi Bella,
ReplyDeleteUsually I haven't needed to take laxatives in years. I blame all the rich stodgy christmas food.
I don't know how he will react time will tell.