I want my stomach to be as empty as my head!


Hi lovelies,

It has been awhile. I have never truly left. I often sit in the shadows and read about what's going on with all you beautiful people. A shout out to Nasimiyu, congrats on the engagement xoxo. 

So I have to type this quickly before I have to go pick up my ungrateful, selfish family. I apologise for any spelling and grammatical errors. 

Last night I snapped, it had been coming for a while now, growing stronger and stronger. The allure of this disease is stronger then the appeal of not entertaining it and letting it swallow me whole. I lie to myself that I don't want it because I shouldn't want it because I have a family to think about. A family whom I give my all to and get nothing back but more demands. I sick of putting everyone else first, especially when they don't appreciate it. Apparently they feel justified to demand that I be their slave. To that I say fuck that! The only slave I want to be is to my eating disorder. 

I moved in with my partner and his 15 year old son joined us and of course my son. The thing is I fucking hate it. My partner and his son scream at each other everyday and the energy of my house is so turbulent and explosive. It makes me feel sick as I am waking on eggshells around them waiting, just waiting for the next event. It feels so out of control here that I need my disorder to focus on to keep me sane at the moment. 

So fuck it I am back. Plus I have been dieting for 4 months already and only lost 11 kgs. That is only 2.75kgs a month in weight loss. Screw it that is the weight loss I want weekly.

I'll try to come back later and tell more but now I have to go.

JB x


Comments

  1. Anonymous13 May 2015 at 14:02

    Hey hon. I know the feeling. It's like you know and are comfortable with the chaotic control of your eating disorder so of course you would want to go back to that when your in the midst of an unfamiliar war zone. Just try to stay safe hon. You're in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete

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