Hi Lovelies,

So got my period last night. Explains my moods last two days. I get my period maybe twice a year so never know when it is going to come. Yesterday's intake was ok 325 in and 252 burnt. My god it was so hard to think yesterday. My brain was struggling. The logical part of my brain kept telling I need to eat more this week to feed my brain, and I know it is right. I just can't even going to 500 cals is too damn scary. It is frightening how quick the disorder takes over. I am scared and at the same time relieved at how easy it was to fall back into it. No one has noticed that I barely eat. I was terrified about going back to my ED because I was sure I would get found out almost instantly. But nope everyone is so self-absorbed they don't notice all I generally eat is 2 scrambled egg whites and tomato, a cup of soup, whipped diet jelly and 2-4 mini chocolate covered rice cakes a day. It also makes me a little sad and I feel very unimportant at the same time as I feel pleased that I can get away with it. This disorder is nothing is not a contradiction I guess. We starve to be happy but starving can make us miserable. 

I brought a new house plant today, it makes me feel happy and delicate, which I know sounds weird but it just does. I love plants and would like a property where I could have different types of gardens. Like an English cottage garden, Japanese garden and an epic fruit and vegetable garden.

Stay Strong
JB
xoxo