Hi Lovelies,


Well yesterday was a wash out. Boyfriend came home last night yay. No one had eaten yet so he wanted to take us all out for dinner. I couldn't say no and I secretly didn't want to say no. I could have ordered a salad or soup. I didn't. I ordered pasta, I had garlic cheesy bread, two glasses of wine and ice-cream. We were laughing and having fun and the voices in my head were quieter (damn them). It was nice for a brief moment to feel normal(ish). As soon as I walked in the front door the guilt started up and the voices were loud "Fat, weak, useless, no control, you deserve to be a whale, stupid, fat, worthless". I was so worried that I weighed myself in the middle of the shopping centre on one of those coin operated scales. My shame exposed to everybody. Gained 900grams. Not surprised. Surprised it was not more. Angry because I tried to convince myself I could not be me for a night. I am still far too fat to think I can go eat Italian without consequences. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to feel happy. 

Now after the last two days I have stretched my stomach. It is going to make restricting hard. Raising my calories to 600 for today only so I can avoid any more stupid binges. Gym later which will burn off around 250 of that. NO MORE LOSING CONTROL FATTY. I can still feel the grease and fat travelling through me. I was clean inside 3 days ago. Now this sludge corrupts what was once empty. It will be empty again. Thankfully my body is punishing me with heartbearn and indigestion. Making my resolve stronger.

Well that is all I have for now.

JB
xoxo



Comments

  1. Bella29 May 2015 at 13:50

    Sorry to hear you've had a rough few days :( It sounds like you had fun while you were out though. I hate that feeling, when you walk through the front door and it's like going from having a taste (no pun intended) of the normal world to landing back in your world. Personally, eating out is such a rarity that I always go for pasta and wine over soup or salad.

    I hope this weekend is better for you <3
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous30 May 2015 at 10:29

    My parents like to go to restaurants all the time so I know how you feel. Its really heartbreaking when you get just a glimpse of the real world and crash land back down into your own. =( Take care of yourself hon.

    ReplyDelete

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