I feel so defeated today. My weight is up again, this time 900 grams. Wtf. I ate slightly more yesterday but still under 1000cals. I'm hungry and starving myself has seemed to stop working so why not eat. I want to eat normal. I want a sandwich. I was hot fries or roasted potatoes. I must resist. I must keep going knowing that eventually my body will get past this point and the number will go down. God I'm so angry today. Not wanting to sound like a whiney bitch but it's not fair. Plus I've woken up hungry which sucks. I will hold off as long as I can then I might make a 100cal waffle. I feel like something that resembles bad food today and a 100cap waffle with 10cal salted caramel sauce sounds like it'll do the trick.
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I have my first appointment for my son at the paediatrician today. It's at the hospital. The same hospital I spent a long sleepless night at 3 months ago when my mother tried to kill herself. Unfortunately I got here early so I'm sipping coffee and reliving the experience. I still haven't forgiven her for it. I feel sad for her that she was in so much pain which makes me feel guilty and shame when I admit I haven't forgiven her. I have been at this hospital a few times now. For my mother, for my partner and for my son. Never for me. A part of me wants to get so sick from this that the people that love me have to visit me here. Are worried and concerned for me. I always feel like the caretaker of everyone that just occasionally I would like to be looked after and cared for. Nurtured. I crave nurturing.
Gah my body seems to be enjoying playing this game. Today 112.1kgs again! Third time in 5 days. I feel like I am never going to break past this point. I tried to motivate myself by looking at my weight trends on chronometer. I signed up on chronometer in early Dec 2015 at my highest weight 144.2kgs. I am now at my lowest weight since I signed up. This was supposed to make me feel better. It did'nt. All it did was make me angry at myself for a) ever getting that heavy in the first place and b) why the fuck has it taken me so long to get my shit together. I have to go to the chiropractor again today, 3rd time in a week. Doesnt feel like its helping. Costing so much money. At least I am spending less on food. So I made the best protein shake yesterday it was so good. Unfortunantly it comes in at 224 cals . I could cut out protein powder but then it wouldnt be satiating enough. I have cut the amount of protein to half a serve. Anyways it is: 1.5 tbsp apple pie flavour protein sh...
God I hate my body. I'm supposed to be 111 something today instead I'm up 400 grams and 112.5. Ate less than 800 grams and gained wtf. I'm so over this. I'm in a bad headspace and all I want to do is binge because their seems to be no point anyway. I must resist because I know eventually my body will behave and the number will go down.
My weight went back down to 112.1. I should be happy. I kinda am that it's gone down just annoys me that it fluctuates so much when I eat less than 800cals a day and my BMR is 1980. I really hope I can be less than 112 tomorrow. So went to my stepsons before to celebrate his 20th birthday and took food and cake. I had salad and some French fries. All up 295 calories. What a waste of our time and money, he spent the whole time just playing his fucking video games. Disrespectful rude asshole. I'm so over doing shit for people who don't appreciate it. I stayed up late last night and got up early today to make his cake. My fiance was let's say affectionate this morning. I really didn't want to be touched. I feel disgusting. I'm way too fat to deserve physical affection. I just hope some calories were burnt.
Today is not a good day. I'm up 700 grams. Fuck. My partner saw my weight today and said I think you weigh less than him. He was wrong I'm still 3kgs heavier. I lived about my weight loss and said I lost about 5kgs. He didnt know my starting weight so I was able to make out my starting weight was less.
Recovering from a migraine. Feeling pretty drained and tender. Weightloss is going well. I only need to lose another 700grams to be where I was before we went away. I doubt my weight will be under what it was last week for my weekly weigh in. So sick of being fat and disgusting. I want to walk into any shop and be able to wear anything.
Well the weekend away was nice but calorie wise a disaster. I gained 3 kgs. I felt full and gross the whole time. I tried to pick the best I could. I walked and swam. Hoping some is water weight. Every meal was horrible. I felt anxious. Oh well straight back into it. Today's calories 698. I'm so tired. The weekend was huge and non-stop. Everyone enjoyed it and it was nice to see everyone happy. That's all I got today.
Still binge free. Going away tomorrow which is kind of annoying now as I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride. Been successfully dropping my calories. Two days getting under 900 Cal's and today only 550. Yesterday and today no hunger. I feel like this weekend is going to put me back progress and headspace wise. I've actually been in a good mood most of today which has been nice. I've been pretty bleak of late. Even after I weighed in and was up 100grams. Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. It's the one that really counts. I'm scared my weight will go up again tomorrow and that would fuck my head up. So far Im only at 900 grams for the week. Definately not a great weight loss week. It's so frustrating. I am hoping to not go into binge mode once I relax my eating. I hope all the walking will help counteract some of the calories. I know I can't show any eating disorder behaviours because my step daughter will be with us and I definately don't want to...
The hunger is horribly bad today. I am so in binge mode. I'm trying so hard to resist. I'm looking forward to going away this weekend and having a break from the norm but also terrified about the food. Well not the food because right now I'm starving. I'm terrified about the weight gain. I know I want to try and eat well but scared I'm going fuck it all up and have a two day binge and undo the last few weeks of hard work. God J wish I felt I had the willpower I used to. I don't understand how in the past it's been so much easier to restrict then it is this time round. My scales gave me results all over the shop today. I either lost nothing or gained, but definately not a loss. I have feet problems which I need to get cortisone shots for which is happening in two weeks. I can't wait then I can go back to walking and back to the gym. I need to start losing weight faster. I'm on track with my birthday goal. It's not good enough I need more results...
When will this end. I don't remember the hunger being so bad last time. The constant evil mantra in my head..... Eat, eat, eat. The hunger gnaws at me constantly...... Eat, eat, eat. Fighting it is exhausting. Giving into it is torture. I will remain strong. My calories are too high I must go lower. The lower the calories the less the hunger affects me. I'm going to reduce by just 100 tomorrow and see how I go. I'm going away on the weekend. I'm looking forward to parts of it. Except the part with food. So much will be eating out gah.
Gah so I didn't stick to my preset food plan. I didn't too badly and not exactly what my calories were but estimate between 1200-1500 total. Annoyingly up 500 Cal's. Hoping it's water weight because the sauce of the Chinese vegetables was pretty salty. Had a donut and wasn't worth it. Was kinda stale so what a waste of calories. Back on track today and no more nonsense. About to watch a movie with the fam then maybe some gardening and gaming.
Haha it's the 14th and I way 114 exactly. That kind of symmetry pleases me. I lost my binge weight and am 1.5 away from my mini goal. It's 10:40am and I'm laying in bed trying to decide what to do today. Part of me wants to stay in bed and sleep. Part of me wants to go out and do something. If we go out that puts me in danger of eating the wrong things and sabotaging my progress like last weekend. It's not like I purposely decide to always fuck up when I'm out sometimes the options are limited. Hmmm was planning to go swimming so that burns calories and there's subway so I could just get a salad. Only problem with that is whatever they wash thier vegies with makes the vegetables repeat on me. Oh well need to go to shop and buy razors to shave before anything happens.
Well pleasant surprise when I hopped on the scales this morning. Down 1.8kgs. I'm 200 grams from loosing the binge weight. In a month I have lost 7.4kgs. I know I should be happy with this but I'm not even though I'm on track with my goal to be under 100kgs by my birthday so my fat ass can ride rollercoasters. I have been good and haven't binged even though I've felt on the precipice of one for days. Every day I resist a binge I feel like I'm getting stronger. More in control. I'm especially proud of myself considering I have had a really emotionally and mentally exhausting week and that's usually when I'm in my danger zone for comfort eating. My first mini goal is 2.2kgs away. My highest weight when I first started this blog over 8 years ago. Then to get under 110kgs then under 100kgs by my birthday. I'm not focusing on any other goals past that point yet. I'm just doing small achievable ones and when I reach one I will focus on the nex...
I'm in the danger zone of a binge today. I'm hungry and work is super stressful. Not a good combination. I am increasing to 1200 today to try and mitigate the risk. Cannot wait for boss to get back next week. It's hard without her to ask questions to on difficult claims. Oh well can only do what I can do. Fingers crossed I can control the urge to binge.
Yesterday was even worse than Saturday. I held off eating til lunch. Ate a salad and had a coffee. Waited a while for my hunger to go away. It didn't. Then I started eating anything and everything. Purged a little but not much as I was worried I would get caught. Laxatives barely did anything. So have gained nearly two kilos in two days. My own damn fault. I never want to do that to myself again. I felt awful. My stomach was so full and hurting so bad. I felt like garbage. I'm hungry today but working through it. I know it will pass and I just need to allow my stomach to shrink again. If I overeat it will take longer. I have been reading through my blog. I am so annoyed that I kept fucking up and started eating properly again. If I'd just stuck with it I would be at my goal by now. I'm sick of failing at everything. I just want to be successful in something and being skinny would be the best thing to successful in. My lunch break is nearly over and I don't fee...
Yesterday was disastrous. I ate 1999 calories. I lost myself to a binge. We went to a pancake restaurant for brunch which caused so much anxiety in me I was unpleasant company. I ended up getting one vegan gluten free pancake and maple syrup and a garden salad. It wasn't to bad at that point. Adding that and the 2 coffees I was at 470. Now the plan was to not eat again until dinner. Problem was we stopped at a candy warehouse to check it out. I thought I'd see if they had sugar free candy and if so grab some as I can only eat a small amount otherwise the sweeteners hurt my stomach. This was where things went wrong. Found the sugar free candy unfortunately right next to the vegan candy. They had these vegan peanut butter cups which are so fucking good and I haven't seen them in years. So I got one of those, along with some white chocolate and some wine gums. Now I had one peanut butter cup in the car. 120 Cal's not bad and was going to save the one serve of white cho...
I'm so upset and bewildered. My weight keeps going up. I'm eating under 1000 Cal's I don't know what's happening. I had gains everyday for the last three days. As much as I love my family I wish I could have a few weeks alone so I could liquid fast like I used to where I didn't go over 3kgs. I need to drop my cals to under 800 today or lower. We are going for pancakes tomorrow for a late father's Day thing for my partner so I know my calories will be higher. Even if I ate nothing else tomorrow the pancakes will probably be like 1290 Cal's. I'm getting anxious just thinking of it. I might have to take laxatives tomorrow night to help. Haven't taken laxatives in years.
I used to be able to write blogs everyday. Now I never know what to write. I'm doing fairly ok. M I felt like bingeing one night so I hate 1155 calories to stop the binge. I felt so guilty for seeing my calories go past the 1000. So far Ive list 6.6kgs in 20 days. It's more than I've lost in ages. Still can't see any difference and obviously no one else can either. I just want to look in the mirror one day and see jutting collarbones and prominent cheekbones. I hope I get there one day. I don't want to leave this world being the fat girl. My mantra ATM is pretty girls don't eat, pretty girls don't eat, pretty girls don't eat.