Grin for Thin

Hi Lovelies, Well yesterday was a wash out. Boyfriend came home last night yay. No one had eaten yet so he wanted to take us all out for dinner. I couldn't say no and I secretly didn't want to say no. I could have ordered a salad or soup. I didn't. I ordered pasta, I had garlic cheesy bread, two glasses of wine and ice-cream. We were laughing and having fun and the voices in my head were quieter (damn them). It was nice for a brief moment to feel normal(ish). As soon as I walked in the front door the guilt started up and the voices were loud "Fat, weak, useless, no control, you deserve to be a whale, stupid, fat, worthless". I was so worried that I weighed myself in the middle of the shopping centre on one of those coin operated scales. My shame exposed to everybody. Gained 900grams. Not surprised. Surprised it was not more. Angry because I tried to convince myself I could not be me for a night. I am still far too fat to think I can go eat Italian without cons...

WTF is wrong with me. I binged....... again..... I purged......... again. Lucky the kids were too preoccupied with thier video games. I was able to go into my room, lock the door and turn the shower on and go about my business. But my partner gets home tomorrow and I can't lock him out of our bedroom. I can't lose control like that again. The first binge and purge was planned but this wasn't.  I pushed back eating too far and as I was ser ing dinner I thought fuck it I am going to eat to. It was butter chicken with naan bread so like a gazillion calories. I think I got most of it up in the end I was just dry heaving. Now I have a raging headache but I deserve it for being such a weak fat bitch. JB Xoxo

Hi Lovelies, So yesterday was the end of week 2. Total weight loss 2.2kgs. Absolute crap. Hopefully this week will be better. Although with my period who knows. Below is last weeks calorie chart. Intake was up by 6 calories but burnt 298 cals more then last week. I really want to get my total to under 1000 cals per week. Oh well at least its a slight improvement over the previous week.  Week 2 Date Day Calories In Calories Out TOTAL (Cals in - out) 20/5/15 Wednesday 670 308 362 21/5/15 Thursday 563 563 22/5/15 Friday 268 651 -383 23/5/15 Saturday 458 704 -246 24/5/15 Sunday 434 434 25/5/15 Monday 325 252 73 26/5/15 Tuesday 463 463 TOTAL 3181 1915 1266 So went to the gym this morning. Then went shopping and brought binge food. I have been feeling a binge coming on for days now and have been trying to keep it in control until today when I knew I had time and privacy to purge. Now I am not a huge binge and purge kinda girl and now I remember why. So the binge wasn't ...

Hi Lovelies, So got my period last night. Explains my moods last two days. I get my period maybe twice a year so never know when it is going to come. Yesterday's intake was ok 325 in and 252 burnt. My god it was so hard to think yesterday. My brain was struggling. The logical part of my brain kept telling I need to eat more this week to feed my brain, and I know it is right. I just can't even going to 500 cals is too damn scary. It is frightening how quick the disorder takes over. I am scared and at the same time relieved at how easy it was to fall back into it. No one has noticed that I barely eat. I was terrified about going back to my ED because I was sure I would get found out almost instantly. But nope everyone is so self-absorbed they don't notice all I generally eat is 2 scrambled egg whites and tomato, a cup of soup, whipped diet jelly and 2-4 mini chocolate covered rice cakes a day. It also makes me a little sad and I feel very unimportant at the same time as ...

Hi Lovelies, Stupid week 2. Stupid body. Since Saturday I have only lost 100grams. I consumed 458 calories on Saturday and burnt off 704. Yesterday was rest day but overate and consumed 434 calories instead of the maximum 350 I was supposed to have. But surely I should have a bigger loss then that. GGRRRRR. I had a shit weekend. The teenage stepson was being an asshole and had me in tears yesterday. And I am doing this group assignment and these girls are being bitches. Wanna slap them so hard right now. Seriously falling behind in my other assignment. Just want to cry and sleep and fuck it all to hell. So yeah the start of my week is crap atm. Oh and the boyfriend is away until Thursday. So I have to look after his and my child, take animals to vet, go to uni and learn flash animation and do my assignment by Friday 5pm. FUCK. Sorry for the downer post everyone. Stay strong JB xoxo

Hi Lovelies, Boyfriend has left the house so now quickly typing this post. Stepson is here but in his room with his friend playing the ps4. So yesterday was 1000 moves ahead on the gym leader-board. Now I am 1000 moves behind 1st. Have to go to the gym now, which I was not planning on because it is supoosed to be a body rest day.Yesterday was a good day intake wise 268 in and 651 out. Got to love a 353 deficit. I don't have to much to write about. All I did yesterday was go to the gym, clean up a little and walk the dog. Hopefully my weight will be lower today, I don't think I could handle seeing the same number. I hate week 2 weight loss is always sucky. Does anybody else have this happen to them during the second week of dieting/restricting? Well hope everyone has a decent day. JB xoxo

Hi Lovelies, So either I miscalculated the calories from the other night or I am already plateauing. I jumped on the scales at the gym this morning and was the same as 2 days ago gah. I did have a cup of coffee before I went but surely that would not do too much. Yesterday's intake was crappy, 563. I am trying to stay around the 350 mark. Plus I did not exercise at all yesterday so that intake is not excusable. Managed to burn off 250 so far today with an intake under 100 cals so far. Going to take dog on a good hour long walk later so I am hoping for a larger deficit then I managed last week. Really need to get some eggs and tomatoes today I am enjoying my 2 egg whites scrambled with half a tomato on the side breakfast (57cals). Yesterday I felt like toast so I chopped a lite cruskit into 4 triangles instead (22cals). Also had my coffee (13cals) followed by 2 chocolate covered mini rice cakes (37cals). Date Day Calories In Calories Out TOTAL (Cals in - out) 13/5/15 Wedne...

Hi lovelies, Well I don't know what was happening yesterday but I typed mypost and hit publish. Didn't work. Tried again and still nada. So third time lucky. I had a pretty rough day two days ago. At least my intake was good 310 calories in and 358 out. I slipped on water in the kitchen and smashed my knees and left hand. Also smacked the spot on my abdomen where my liver sits on the dogs bowl. So yesterday woke up after a crappy night sleep because of the pain, knees and my shoulder and abdomen are throbbing. So had to forgo yoga and weights at the gym. Ended up doing 45 mins of cardio. oh yesterday I weighed in and lost 600 grams in 2 days not that great. But on the plus side lost 5.5kgs last week. Last nights dinner was actually not as bad as I thought. Only 670 calories in and 308 calories out so I csn live with that only ended up having 362 calories I didn't burn off. Thank goodness for that I was so worried and anxious. Well better go get my day organised. Have ...

Hi Lovelies, I am feeling low today peeps. My scales are broken so yeah freaking out about that. Well good motivation for me to go to gym so I can check my weight. My finances are so severely screwed right now. And I binged last night gah. I only ate 788 calories thank god. But the poinr is I lost control and I could feel the frenzy coming on. I think the only reasons I was able to pull back was that I had no way of purging it, I couldn't have gotten away with throwing up and I have no laxatives. Also we are celebrating mums birthday tomorrow night and I am making curry so I know I will be having far to many calories tomorrow night. I am so not looking forward to it. I am not sure why I binged. Maybe because I felt guilty bailing from my walk because I was tired, lazy fat ass. Or maybe it was my stupid brain going "oh are you making this not enough food thing a habit? Hmmm let me make this interesting". But I don't really know. Well I don't have more to...

Morning Lovelies, Well the mystery about my scales is solved. When I jumped on this morning it said I had lost another 10kgs. Then the Error flashed on the screen. So it needs new batteries. Or it is broken (please god no, the horror). Can't afford batteries until tomorrow. The gym has scales. So when I go today at least I will have some idea of where I am at. Not that I would trust them completely as they sit on carpet. Finally have some peace and quiet today and am home alone. I nearly got caught a few times blogging on the weekend, I have to be more careful it was careless of me. New rule if my partner is home I must blog off my phone. I also logged out of myfitnesspal.com on google chrome and now only access it via incognito mode. My phone is password protected so that is fine but will need to log out on my tablet when I am finished. So yesterday I was allowing myself to go up to 600 calories. Ended the day on 442 calories so I am happy about that. I know I only ...

Having a conundrum. I am hungry but don't want to eat, but need to eat so I can think because I need to get this assignment done. Maybe I will stretch my calories to 600 today gahhhh. Also don't have time for my walk today shit.

Hey lovelies, So I am a little confused today as I think my scales must be broken. I stood on them. then stood on them again and again, all up 6 times. (Holy shit boyfriend almost saw my screen phew that was close) Every single time 120.5kgs. Now I would LOVE to believe that was true I really would. But there is no way in hell that I lost nearly 8kgs since yesterday. but I was only in deficit of 50 calories not 50,000. So either my scales are not working correctly or I have been getting incorrect readings lately. Opinions anyone? Also woke up super stressed after I slept way in on a day I couldn't afford to. I got to get this assignment done argh. Well I better go and get this done and also before I nearly get busted by boyfriend again. Hope you are all having a nice weekend. JB xoxo

So one of my favourite things to restrict with is soup. I am so excited that I found a new soup today that only has 26 calories per cup and is tasty. I think it is an Australian brand but it is La Zuppa for anyone who is interested. Another new love is Aeroplane lite jelly cups which are only 20 cals each. I am in bed now having another cup of soup and tea and sitting on 263 calories today with 315 calories burnt so I am in deficit of 52 calories today. Also I lost another 400 grams yesterday. Well I better go boyfriend almost caught me  typing this post. Be Safe JB Xoxo

So coming down off all the emotions from last night's dramas. The teenager has left for his mothers this weekend and my boyfriend will be gone for the next 3-4 hours. So now I am taking some me time. I am going to take solace in 40 calorie soup, and lots of cups tea. Also going to watch a copious amount of Disney movies, first off Tinkerbell.  On a negative note I misread the nutrition label on these banana lollies and what I thought a serve was well I was wrong and ended up eating 143 calories in candy gosh darn it. So now my calories count is over 500. Also super hungry today because it's day three of restricting, always hard for me tomorrow will be too. Finally heard my stomach growl tonight. That makes me happy, have not heard it growl in such a long time. Looking forward to the hunger high in a few days. Not looking forward to the insomnia which I know will happen at some point. So it is now the weekend and my plans are exciting [insert sarcasm here], I will b...

So my house erupted into world war 3 last night.There's a massive hole in the hall wall, which no doubt I'll be the one fixing it because they are all so lazy. Omg typing on my phone tis difficult. Have to post off pgine becsuse everyone is at home today doing damage control and trying to sort shit out. one positive that I lost 500 grans since yesterday. Was hoping for more since I was in calorie deficit yesterday. Consumed 400 calories and burnt off 487 doing exercise. Well my partner  is loitering around me so better go. JB xoxo

Good Morning Lovelies, So this song is my own personal anthem this week. God dammit my boyfriend is home from work today 'sick'. I am in a mood about it. I usually only have 6 hours per day, 5 days a week when I can obsess by watching thinspo youtubes and looking at skinny people and now I can't. I am only able to write this post because he has gone to the doctors to get a medical certificate from work. At least I am off to the gym soon and will take the dog for an hour long walk. I am also cooking heaps of food for the family and the best thing is I don't want any. I have decided that is how I will enjoy food, by cooking it for others and watch them enjoy it while I take satisfaction in not letting any pass my lips. Well aside from safe food.  I am happy that I dropped 2.4kgs since yesterday and managed to keep my calories under 400 for the day.  Well quick update on what has been happening since last November.  Moved out from my mothers Got a ni...

Hi lovelies, It has been awhile. I have never truly left. I often sit in the shadows and read about what's going on with all you beautiful people. A shout out to Nasimiyu, congrats on the engagement xoxo.  So I have to type this quickly before I have to go pick up my ungrateful, selfish family. I apologise for any spelling and grammatical errors.  Last night I snapped, it had been coming for a while now, growing stronger and stronger. The allure of this disease is stronger then the appeal of not entertaining it and letting it swallow me whole. I lie to myself that I don't want it because I shouldn't want it because I have a family to think about. A family whom I give my all to and get nothing back but more demands. I sick of putting everyone else first, especially when they don't appreciate it. Apparently they feel justified to demand that I be their slave. To that I say fuck that! The only slave I want to be is to my eating disorder.  I moved in wi...