Grin for Thin

I know I've been quiet of late. I'm trying hard at recovery ATM. Harder than before. Really trying to dig deep into the emotions that lay behind it.  My partner is trying to support me the best way he can by checking in with how my mental health is is. And I'm honest with him. I tell him when my head is loud or I just feel numb. Food is still scary and anxiety still occurs. I've stopped counting calories and it's really fucking hard. I still weigh daily but I'm sure that will stop over time. I put on a kg very fast once I told my partner. I have lost that and my body seems to be comfortable at the 113.5 mark ATM. I have also started eating raw vegan.im going to try and stay raw most of the time for summer. I only relapsed for two months but I felt how quickly my body deterioted and felt malnourished. Now I'm nourishing my body and my soul. I've started doing yoga. Today is the first day in ages I've felt good and up and genuinely happy. It's ...

Maybe I do want help. I exposed my secret to my fiance. I'm totally vulnerable now. I'm freaking out. I'm scared to let my ED go. It works I lose weight. Now I'm scared I'll put all the weight back on. Oh fuck what have I done. I can't take it back now. Fuck fuck fuck.

Another day of binging. Can't do this anymore. This constant starving and binging is too much. Going to give it a break and go back to normal dieting eating a bit more and try not to binge on unhealthy food.

Gah I cant stop self sabotaging. So I binged more the other day and went up 1.5kgs. I went well yesterday until 8:30pm when I started shoving raisin toast and peanut butter sandwiches. Managed to go down 300 grams. I want to hope that I will stop this shit now but don't feel that optimistic. Depression isn't helping.

Off to a bad start to the day. Woke up at 10:30 so good to sleep in. Weighed in down to 112.1, down 600grams. So that's good. Been awake 2.5hours and already binged. I stood at the fridge and shovelled in half a brownie and two slices of raisin bread. I stopped there and got myself away from the kitchen. I have calculated my calories and as long as I don't lose control the total is 1255 for the day.

My weight got back to where it was last Friday. Now to not be a stupid fatty and fuck it up this weekend. On other news my partner wants to have a "talk" tonight. I'm freaking out. it's not normal for him and I'm scared. What if he dumps me. What of he tells me he is clearing someone else. what if he asks me about my eating. I want to throw up.

I remember an old post I have on here where I sang the praises of digital scales and thier accuracy. Well spent a fortune on the Fitbit scales and the thing is so unreliable. I am anywhere from 111.7 to 113.1. I'm calling it the latter to be safe and just say I didn't lose any weight. I hope I am down tomorrow for my weekly weigh in. I need to be at least 400grams lower.  The weekend is around the corner and I'm terrified I'll fuck up again. I don't trust myself at all. I'm such a stupid fatty. Well the cakes are baked and tonight need to decorate them ready to be collected tomorrow. 

2.5 kgs down. Must had been holding a lot of water weight. Back to 113.1 kgs. My body seems to like that number it keeps going back there. I'm hoping I can get back down to at least 112.7kgs by Friday so I'm at least the same or lighter than last week. I don't deserve it but still want it. I have a cake order due for collection in two days so that will keep me busy in the evenings so less likely to fuck up. My long binge weekend did instil a fired up motivation to lose this weight. I can still make my birthday goal as long as I am strict and remain in control. I also purchased two bikinis. Fat girl high waisted bikinis but still more skin than i usually display. Should be here within the next 19 days so I need to lose as much as I can before they get here and get my stomach as flat as possible so I can wear them.

Gah 3 days of self sabotage. Three days of self hatred. Three days of punishing my body with food. So, so much food. I feel disgusting. I feel so heavy and lumpy. I'm up nearly 4kgs. I deserve all of it. I can't eat normally because I can't stop. I need to calculate every single thing that touches my lips. I can't go back and change anything I've done so now I need to just go forward and try and get back on track. I'm super bloated and fat and have to go on camera today blurgh. My anxiety is super high today and I feel like throwing up. Oh well just gotta get through today and hopefully I will see a change tomorrow in weight to spur me on.

I forgot to mention that I've had an insane idea that I'm going to try to eat like a normal person this week and not restrict my calories. Im going to eat healthy food and try and listen to my body's cues of when I'm full. Haha doomed to fail but at least I'll know for sure.

Up 1.3kgs. I deserve it. I ate so freaking much yesterday. I had a smoothie for breakfast followed by some celery and eggplant dip. All good at that point but definately still hungry. Then we went out to run errands and my partner wanted to stop for lunch. Fuck. He stopped for a meat pie and I asked him to get me a l tub of mushy peas while I grabbed a coffee. While I got my coffee I grabbed a vegan muffin which I was going to split between four of us making it just 100cals. 250 Cals for coffee, muffin and peas, can work dinner around to make that for. Then my partner also got hot fries to share so I had 1/4 pack of hot fries. As soon as that happened the 'fuck it's switch clicked on and I was like I've done it now I might as well keep going. So for dinner we got takeout. I ate 2/3 a container of vegan nasi gorang, some deep fried vege balls, a vegan bbq steam bun, a vegan chicken leg, 3/4 of a Boston bun and 1 salted caramel icecream on a stick. I wish the temptation a...

I'm the queen of self sabotage. I'm binging. Could stop now plenty of damage done but no I have plenty more I want to stuff into my disgusting self. I deserve to be fat and miserable. I bring it on myself. I'm never going to be skinny. I have no control. I need my control back.

I lost weight! I lost a kg. I don't deserve it but I can't help but be happy. I'm now at my lowest for so many tears. 111.7kgs. I'm being very risque and stupid posting right now. My fiance is asleep beside me and could wake up and see. Oh well sometimes it's fun to be reckless. The stomach cramps from the laxatives have started so much earlier then usual. Damn I wanted to hit the supermarket before it all kicked off now I don't know when that could be. 10 mins, 2 hours? Oh well such is life.

I binged tonight. It was on vegetables and the damage bill for today should only be like 1000 calories. That's not the point. The point is I lost control and I binged. I was weak and had no self control. I don't deserve a loss if I get one tomorrow. I've taken a bunch of laxatives and some painkillers. Hopefully I will have a good night sleep and be in a better mood tomorrow. Then hopefully I can get rid of this crap (literally). God this week has sucked and I hope to be out of this funk next week. That's all for tonight.

I have not stopped peeing all day I better see a loss tomorrow.

I didn't want to jump on the scales today. I knew it would be disappointing. I got on 112.7. 400 grams down. Whoopie fucking doo. Weight difference from last week's weigh in 100grams. A far cry from my 1kg minimum goal. Two terrible losses in two weeks. I should have never gone away I had finally gone into gear and the weight was falling off and I wasn't hungry. I'm not particularly hungry but the weight loss is a struggle. I've decided to take a bunch of laxatives tonight in the hope I can get my stomach less bloated and hard. I think I'm pretty constipated. No I know I'm pretty constipated.  Well about  tohave a long weekend. Tomorrow will be lots of time on the toilet and start baking cakes for a cake order. Sunday I'm seeing a friend and Monday going to the beach. I need to stay busy all weekend and see how many meals I can skip.

I hate my body. As I sat in bed last night moisturising all I could see was my fat bulging everywhere. I got so distressed to see just how much fat I have to lose I started to cry. I got up this morning and looked humungous in the mirror. I stood on the scales and 113.1. Fuck! I guess my binge day was a day late to arrive to my body but there it is. I deserve it. I don't expect a weight loss come my weekly weigh in tomorrow. I sometimes wonder whats the point of losing weight. I'm getting closer to forty.  Even if I do lose weight my body is covered in psoriasis so I'll still dress like a Mormon. Plus I'll have so much baggy loose skin that I'll still be budget everywhere and I can't afford the $20k for a lower body lift, boob lift and upper arm skin removal. I have to get my photo taken today for work. It will be going on the website. I look like shit today. No amount of hair straightening and make up is going to hide my hideous fat self. I was tempted to c...

I woke up today just before 4am. Can't get back to sleep. My head is throbbing, I'm shaky and have terrible heartburn. I deserve this for being weak. I ate stuff I shouldn't yesterday. I had my low cal waffles in the morning. They didn't leave me satiated but I was committed to not stuff up. We went out to an appointment. My partner wanted to stop at shops. It was after lunchtime and they were hungry. So was I. So I ate. I didn't over do it and chose well. Higher then I usually eat but not earth shattering. Then we found my step daughter a phone on Facebook markets place an hour drive away. We did some grocery shopping then headed there. After we picked it up it was already dinner time and my family wanted to eat. So we had dinner at one of our favourite Asian restaurant chains. There were no good choices. I had a Dahl curry with fried roti (flat bread) the meal was too big and I are too much. I didn't finish the meal but I ate too much and it was washed down wi...