Grin for Thin

What is wrong with me???? I binged and purged, then binged and slightly purged and now all I do is binge. I eat so much, I hate it but why can't I stop it. I eat until my stomach aches from being full then eat some more. I hate COE I want Ana back so bad but why can't I stop. I am too scared to get on the scales. I am sure all that weight I lost is back plus some. I deserve to be fat and alone. I am a disgusting food slug. Sorry no positives here. JB

How could I put on 1.1 kgs overnight??? I just don't understand. I am going to remain fat for ever. I just want to die. I ate a lil more after last nights blog but still my total cal intake yesterday was only 140. And most of my intake was of soup I made from negative calorie vegetables. I am ready to give up and dive face first into a whole carrot cake. I just do not know what to do. I am doing another salt water flush later I am really hoping all this extra weight is you know what and then when I get on the scales tomorrow I will see something to give me hope. Because if I don't I don't trust myself to not emotionally eat. Anyways I must go sit at the laundromat for a few hours and get my washing done and read my textbook for tomorrows exam. Keep thinking thin all! JB

Gah my head is not with study right now. But I am forcing it to be. Well pretty good day. My son is so funny he made me laugh so much I was crying.  Well after this morning's weigh in I was feeling pretty deflated and totally in fuck it mode. I wanted to binge hardcore. What got me through was I ventured into a shoe store to try on shoes. I tried to try on a cute pair of boots that went half way up the calf but couldn't zip them up, then a voice spoke in my head and said "if you binge you'll never be able to get them done up". Oh how I have missed Ana speaking to me it had been two weeks since I had heard anything from her. So today I only consumed 88 kgs. Well that's all I have to say tonight. Goodnight lovely thin people. JB P.S. I felt that tonight called for some reverse thinspo to remind myself what I am running away from and that this is all worth it. Because none of them are sexy.

Again no change. What is going on? I wonder if anyone else plateaued 3 days in row like this before? I am at a loss but no solids today just liquids. I have only lost 300 gms in the 4 days I have been on solids. Anyways lots of errands to run post more later. Stay safe, Stay strong. JB

Well spoke to Frenchy tonight and his excuse was pretty darn good and convincing so now I just do not know what to think. But I am not putting my life on hold for him and have already made plans with someone else on Saturday, this guy and I have some weird hot/cold thing going on. On Other news my day was wonderful plenty of sunshine, smiles and uninhibited laughter from my son. Took some cool shots, made me want an SLR even more. Might take him ice-skating tomorrow. Well calories today were 200. Please let me drop something on the scales tomorrow Ana. Anyways tonight's thinspo I am using Americas Next Top Model Season 2 contestant Shandi. Enjoy. JB

Stepped on the scale and ........................................ nothing. No change since yesterday grrrrrrrrr. Wanted to throw the scales out the window. Staying to lose my motivation. Anyways I am off to enjoy some sunshine and feed some ducks. JB

So frenchy thinks he can't make it. I feel like I have been taken for a fool and allowed to happen. He didn't even give a fucking reason apart from somethings come up, pfffft. Why did I even believe that someone could possible be interested in a hideous fat monstrosity such as myself. I am soooo disgusting. Well now I can go back to my liquid diet at least. Because I ate today and did not realise until I found out the calories after that one apple is 120 cals FUCK that's soooo much. My calorie intake today is 223 which is the highest since monday. Well I am feeling to down to type anymore. Hope you have a better night than I am having. JB P.S. The thinspo is pretty uninspired tonight sorry. But I do love Emma Watson.

What the hell was in that sauce? I only lost 300 gms / 1 pound, not at all happy. I am never going to get under a 100 kgs at this rate grrrrrrr. Stupid week 2 plateau I have no time for you.  Anyways ex and his kids are visiting must go. Have a great day all. JB

Freaking out now how on earth am I going to hide this from him? Anyways friends came over and insisted they take me out to dinner and pay for I tried to say no but I had no choice. Thankfully the damage wasn't too bad I calculated 74 cals but rounded it up to 100 to bee safe because I am not sure what is really in it. We have asian I got the vegetables and tofu and ate a very small amount. When I said I was full I got some surprised look. I casually mention I eat my big meals at breakfast and lunch. I threw up a lil bit because it made me feel so sick and my stomach was having sharp stabbing pains. I am making myself eat a mandarin tonight I have to get used to eating solids again. It seems 2 weeks is enough to made my body reject them. My friend commented I had lost some weight which was nice I cannot see it though. I think another salt water flush tomorrow ewwwww. Well today's total was 172 cals so not too bad. I was scared how the binge urge came over me at the restaurant bu...

well makeup and hair done. At least I look presentable to receive visitors but I want to be curled up in bed sleeping it's tooooooo cold. Anyways today the scales told me I lost 800 gms / around the 2 pound mark again. Meh got to sit and calculate how long at this rate it is going to take me to reach under 100 kgs later. Anyways visitors due to arrive any moment. Have an awesome day pretties. JB

Feeling flat tonight. The stresses of today have worn me down. My cat is ok she got some antibiotics so no worries there thank goodness. Got visitors all weekend which sucks. I don't really feel like entertaining.  So the re-feeding day starts tomorrow, back on the solids. I am so scared that I'll binge out please Ana give me the strength to resist. I still need to lose 3.1 kgs / 6.8 pounds in 4 days eeeeeek I hope I can so it. Totally depressed that I most like wont get down to the 95 kgs / 209 pounds before he gets here like planned. Today was the same as yesterday only 16 cals. Please Ana let me see a large loss tomorrow pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Well that is my stressy whingeing for the night. Take care everyone. JB

I am worried about my cat she is not well and I have no money to take her to the vet shitttttttttttttt. I will figure something out I am sure. I can't wait to be working and not a poor student. Anyways weigh in today I lost 700 gms or 2 pounds. Anyways I am abit of a mess right now, all crying and crap. JB

I am feeling so excited not long until he is here. I am soo looking forward to just being held and kisses. OMG it is soooo cold today at least being constantly frozen should help me burn some extra calories. Total calorie intake 16 woohoo. Well I thought I would put some pics up so you know sorta what I looked like when I started. The pictures are not me just an indicator. Why do artists like fainting fat women?? Ok so I wasn't quite this big but not far off. My stomach was a lil less and I have bigger boobs. Hope this works as reverse thinspo guys and dolls. JB

Ok maybe a lil over dramatic but I do not care right now. I stepped on the scales this morning and thought they must be playing up because they can be temperamental and the number is 103.7 FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.  And I rechecked so many times on different parts of the floor. Have I been getting false results the last few days or did I somehow put on 2.2 kgs overnight. I do not understand and I feel so angry. I need to provide other measurements today and I will but I don't really care. I feel like fuck it this isn't working just go binge on the crappiest highest calorie food. I won't do that of course but I need to find some motivation again because that knocked me. I feel so empty in side and not the good empty stomach feeling. The scales must have been giving me false read outs the last few days because there is no way I could gain. I know yesterday I consumed more cals that I have this week but still that was only 143 cals and I should have bee...

OK cal intake 143 biggest for awhile. Please please please Ana let me have lost at least 600 gms by the time I weigh in tomorrow. I know I will be bitterly disappointed if I don't. On the plus side my lovers knows I am unhappy being a fat lard arse and supports me loosing some weight. So that should help because I can use that as my reason for my serving sizes. Yay. I still need tp plan my and his menus for when he is here so I know exactly what I can have each day to stay within my calorie plan. I need to find a reasonable calorie intake considering we will be out doing heaps so maybe back up to 350 and if that does not cut it 500 until he leaves. Yuck the concept of eating 500 cals a day repulses me, but it's better than fainting around him. Well thats me for tonight. Starve on!!!!!! JB P.S. I leave you with Christina Ricci thinspo I think she is cute as a button!!!

I love you to my first follower and I will be sure to follow your blog honey. Well poo 600 gms weight loss. cracking this 100 kgs mark is teasing me so close but feels so far away. I am happy that I will be under 100 kgs before my french version of Adonis gets here ooooohhhhh he is sooo pretty. I would love to get down to 95 kgs before he gets here that way if I am forced to eat high calorie crap and cannot purge it all out I can hopefully stay in the double digits.  Well I'll post more tonight. Stay strong. JB

Yay my lover arrives in exactly a week. I know I am totally weird first I did not really want him to come and now I cannot wait lol. . Thinking about starting the eat solids again so sooo scared that I will lose control and binge. Total intake today is 66 cals. Don't have much else to say tonight.  Goodnight beautiful thin people! JB

Hmmm how much French can I learn in a week??? FYI my lover is French hence why I want to learn some before he comes. So I know I said I did not really want him to come, but that was before I saw his picture of him standing on the beach in his swimming trunks OMG his body. Lol I know shallow right but he is sooooo gorgeous.  Enough gushing now on to my morning weigh in, lost another 1.2 kgs yay. Well that is all I am posting this morning I must go get ready for class. Hope everyone has a fantastic day!!!!! JB

I am so freaking hungry today and I do not know why. I have been so tempted to binge but have resisted. I was even eyeing off a 240 calorie tin of corn with my big fat eyes. So close to my first weight goal I will not stuff it up I refuse too. Bad enough I will be forced to eat when my lover arrives in 8 days. I have found some low cal vegan recipes still they range between 250-300 each argh. I so do not want to purge but I think I'll have to a bit when he is here. I just cant risk putting the weight back on I would die. Today my cals were 229 the largest amount I have consumed for awhile. Maybe that is why I am so hungry. I wish I had an Ana buddy it is so lonely doing it by myself. I would reach out to someone but I feel so unworthy still. An obese anorexic is quite the bizarre paradigm. I feel I should clarify that I also suffer from Coe which is why I am huge but I feel so damned determined to kick Coe's fat arse outta my life. I love how Ana makes me feel so much better. ...

Bless you Ana. After yesterdays dismal weigh in, today's was a success. I dropped 1.8 kgs / 4 pounds. The results have definitely given me a renewed drive to keep going harder than ever. I am getting so close to being under 100 kgs.  On a downer note my son fell asleep in my bed last night and had an accident and soaked through the entirety of my bedding so will be doing laundry all day, I really really hate laundry. Well I hope you all have a fantastic day of starvation and stomach growls. Keep resisting. Keep restricting. JB

Ok so felt like crap today, stabbing stomach pains, nauseous and so light headed that I thought I might actually faint. Ok today's calorie count is 92 so that is not too bad. I have been praying to Ana for a loss tomorrow although I thought about praying to god at first but thought that might be a lil sacrilegious considering what I am doing to obtain religion. Anyways to get my head back in the right space I started watching America's Next Top Model and watched the whole of season 1 today and managed to clean my house yay me. So decided that with every season I was I will pick who I think is the most thinspirational and do some thinspo on my blog with them. So my season 1 choice is Elyse Sewell. When she was measured and weighed on the show she was 5"10 in height and an amazing 114 pounds and I love her bones. Every time someone called her too thin I yelled at them and wanted to throw a shoe at the screen.  So without further ado my pretties I leave you with s...