Nail polish and buttons!

Trying to do buttons up with only semi dried nails is just FAIL lol. Well what can I say my fat self tried to take over today but thankfully Ana told her to shut up! I was tempted to take a bus instead of walking but I didn't even though I desperately needed to pee! I had to go pick mums car up from the shop today I was feeling light headed and dizzy so I made myself have a 91 cal protein shake. I am a bad driver when I am at my best so I definitely needed some fuel for concentration. Have not really felt hungry today which is great. At least I am starting to recognize boredom from hunger. Calorie total today is 177 ten more than yesterday.
Tomorrow is haircut day woot can not wait. I brought some fake nails today as I decided to go on a date tomorrow and wanted to look half way decent with my new hair, nails done and makeup. Not because I wish to impress this guy frankly I am not that interested he is hot and all, but I find it even harder to trust men who like fat chicks.  I am basically using him for a feel good so I can hear his compliments and that will spur me on to get thinner and thinner and thinner until all my beautiful bones jut out like limbs on a tree. This is my pattern I keep men in my life that adore me and use them when I feel like it for whatever purpose they need to fill, I lead them on and keep them at arms length so I do not lose them and have to find replacements. Yes shallow I know, I am a huge commitment phobe. 
My tummy has been growling alot today and doing the thing where it feels like its folding itself, love it.

Well ciao for now all you Ana angels.

JB




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy BIrthday to me......................... Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A heap of friends have wished me a happy birthday and told me to have a great day. Well I won't there is food involved and my weight is not where I wanted it to be. But I plaster the fake smile on my face and say "awwwww thankyou". I am so depressed about today I am 29 and still horrendously fat, who would want to celebrate that? I just want to go to sleep until sunday when mum leaves again so I can avoid all the food and focus on getting thin and boney. Well that is all. JB xoxo
Read more
She is waking up from deep within my bones. She has slumbered only to wake and growl and grumble at meal times. Quieter and less frequently in the beginning. Now louder and the time between not so far apart.  Recovery is hard and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I'm not sure if I want it enough. I'm a few kgs up and I can't stand it! God I hate myself. Weak, useless failure.
Read more
I cannot do this healthy eating I never had been able to which saddens me. What am I going to do when I do reach my ideal weight and wish to maintain? Is there such a thing as an ideal weight? I had a depressed day yesterday lots of crying and lots of eating. I ate a grand total of 2808 calories holy fuck right!!!.... Well going out for dinner tonight and not sure the calorie intake but will not be too bad as I hate eating in front of people so won't be finishing any plates. Still feeling sick my throat feels so sore at least I have sugar free lozenges. No idea what calories are in them as it is all written in an Asian language. Today at uni will just be fruit and water. Tomorrow going to restrict can't do this anymore. The more food I eat the worse I feel about myself. I feel better when restricting. Although it excites me the thought of stomach rumbles and the empty feeling, watching the numbers fall drastically from the scale, it does sadden me that I cannot do this healthil
Read more