Grin for Thin

Feels good to be out of the 90's. And that is it I will never see a number in the 90's again.Yesterday was a shit day found out a family member is sick, like hospital sick. And I failed an exam on the weekend. So for the first time in 14 years I cut only one and only small and not deep. I can say the cat scratched me. Didn't relieve me like it used to. I had a binge purge session and that made me feel better. I think I will use binge/purging as a form of punishing myself since I got nothing out of cutting. I feel stronger again today. I have a lot to do today with my assignments. I have not really done much for it. It is my own fault I failed I suck at studying. I decided after semester finishes I am going to have hypnotherapy to help me study. Well I am going to get ready for the day. JB xoxo

I only lost 600grams since yesterday but a loss is a loss. Come to the realization that I have fallen way behind schedule with my weight-loss. Especially lately where all I do is seem to be doing is a cycle of loss and gain between 88 and 92 kgs. I didn't get much done yesterday, I didn't feel well. Not feeling much better today. Anyways I will keep bumbling through until I make it. It is so cold I have the heater on but still its freezing. Winter is the one of those times where it sucks to be single. I have noticed that I must be at a less beastly size (not that I can see it) as guys seem to be talking to me more and not avoiding me. No one has asked me out which is fine, but I am used to guys and people in general avoiding me because I am scary fat. I look in the mirror and I swear I look fatter then ever. But in reality I must not if people are talking to me and not pretending I don't exist. I am not sure how I feel about this. I think I would like to stay...

Sorry for being AWOL the past week. Between a busy social life and exams I have barely been able to get enough sleep never mind time to blog. Relaxed the diet aka binged all week finally got on the scales this morning 2.8kg gain. Fuck, depressing but not surprising. But I am ok am starting again. Am allowing myself upto 1000 calories today so I don't binge. Just ate and am already hungry. Well that is what my head is telling my stomach. Not listening. Well I have a heap of assignments to work on so that is me for now. JB xoxo

I feel sick in the stomach and have stabbing pains. Worst day ever for it I am going out tonight to see 2 of my all time fave performers on stage so I have taken some maxolon and gastro stop doesnt seem to be helping. My own fault I took some laxatives 2 nights ago then more yesterday trying to get my stomach flatter and it is still in my system obvs. Well did not hit my 87.5kg target weight hit 88kg instead. Going out to dinner tonight so will have to try not to blow it. Unfortuantly I will be looking at around 1200-1400 intake today *grimace. And mum is arriving here today for 4-5 days so will have to eat damn it. Oh well exam prep is going alright and I am sooooo looking forward to tonight. Gonna start getting prettied up soon. Well take care all you lovelies. JB xoxo

Sorry have not been posting, nothing to say really life is life and no excitement going on. Going all right no major drops last 2 days. Getting ready for exams and mum's arrival :s. Well hope everyone is doing well. JB xoxo P.S. Cannot see myself reaching my 87.5kg goal by tomorrow :(

Hmmmm 2 lectures to listen too and 5 chapters to summarise. I am already two days behind where I wanted to be. Besides watch biggest loser tonight and stopping for an hour to do a mammoth clean I will not leave my desk until I get the basic concepts of economics figured out. I hate economics so much. Still have to study for Law and Accounting. The panic is rising steadily and it is lodged in my throat atm, making me feel like I could throw up at any moment. I did something bad last night. I played around on cam with ex who has a girlfriend. What is wrong with me? I don't want to be one of those women that pursue other women's men. My loneliness is getting to the scary time where I start doing stupid and selfish things to get a feel good to ease the feelings of loneliness :(. Still flirting ith the vegan guy who at least is available but who knows where or if that will lead to. Well I lost 500 grams since yesterday but still 2.5kgs in 3 days is pretty good. Only 1kg away from w...

Procrastination is really my my frienemy lol.  Interesting morning though mostly been flirting with someone  surprising on facebook. I don't know why it is surprising we are rather compatible. Anyway's he lives a few states away but it is nice to be flirted with. I am back in the 80's woo. Very pleased that it took me 2 days to gain 2kgs and 2 days to lose them. I must be 87.5kgs by Thursday. I am going to see a show and will be catching up with an old date. The fact we are both going is pure coincidence but we agreed to hang together so that we didn't have to stand alone lol. We have common interests which is why we dated to start with but just no chemistry. Well that is about all excitement I have to share. Oh except that my calorie intake for yesterday was 390. Pretty please with that today will be under 500 calories I predict. Well that is enough nonsense from me I must go study. JB xoxo

So I was a good girl yesterday and lost 1 kg of my gain, 2 to go. I hope to be back in the 80's tomorrow. I hate eating and bingeing, waiting through the hunger until the stomach shrinks back down is horrible. Last week was so much easier barely eating. My mum is coming to stay next week from thursday until monday or tuesday god help me I will be busy thursday until sunday but theres still a day or two I can do damage. I do not know what it is but I eat stupidly when I am around family. I feel inadequate so I eat. Crazy though I am only the 2nd person in the whole family to go to uni and I am the family geek and go to girl for knowledge but still feel inadequate. Hoping to catch up with my bestie I haven't seen in a year. I miss her so much. Well shower time then a low cal soup while reading new moon and waiting for americas next top model to finish downloading. Night night lovely ladies. And a big thankyou to all the girls that comment on my posts, you are so precious!!! JB ...

I fucked up again last night. Damn those hot cross buns. There a only a few left which are for my son which means I am safe from eating them because I won't steal his food. I gained another kg from last nights binge and am now too far back into the 90's for my liking. Today has been hard I am starving and want to binge but I will resist and again tomorrow and the next day for as many days as I need to until the hunger goes again. I feel so desperately lonely lately and come to the sad realization that I might never find love. I miss passion and chemistry and watching twilight and reading the books is not helping but it is nice to escape into them. So strange I hated twilight a mere month ago and now I am addicted to them. I have three exams at the end of next week and cannot find the motivation to study for them, I am going to fail if something doesn't change. I am definitely more depressed since I haven't been exercising this week. I think I will go for an hour...

Ooops I went away for a few days and gained 2 kgs. FUCKITY FUCK. Well I gained 1 kg over a space of three days and the other kg I gained all yesterday. Yesterday was horrendous, it was like I was challenging myself to eat all that I could plus some more. I binged on low cal curry and then polished off a 6pack of hot cross buns loaded with margarine. Anyways I am over whatever that was, well I know what that was it was an emotional release of the pregnancy scare. I have been feeling nauseous and lethargic for days and had myself freaked that I was pregnant. I peed on the stick yesterday and it said negative phewwwwwwwww. Well I have a week and a half to revise for 3 exams eeeeeek. So enough dribbling from me I have to get back to it. JB xoxo

Soooooo still no change on scales which means either they are just too cheap and don't work or I am plateauing. Yesterday I ate 799 calories and burnt 663 leaving me with a net of 136. Today I have consumed 710 and burnt none well I probably have been cleaning the house all day (it looks lovely :) ). was not going to eat anything today but felt weird and got a lil scared so forced myself to eat something. I feel really dizzy now even just sitting here typing. And my stomach feels weird but that's just cos I had a really spicy meal on an empty stomach. I am pleased that I have come to a place where food is a chore now and not a love affair. I am only eating because I need something but not a lot of something just enough to keep me standing. I am going to get my boy tomorrow which I can't wait I miss him so much. I will get up early do yoga and Jillian Michaels workout before I go and in the late afternoon as the sun is setting I will go for a good hour or longer walk ...

Seriously feeling deflated. Hopped on the scales today and say 88kgs looking back at me that was where I was at 2 days ago before my mystery gain. Seriously I should be dropping huge numbers I am eating under 500 calories a day and exercising like mad. I have never been this dedicated and for what. I am so pissed off at it all. This would usually be the time to go fuck it not leave the house and wallow in bed all day and binge but no I will not. I will do yoga after this post and go to uni then the gym after. I will not binge though might increase intake slightly to trick up my metabolism. I was really hoping for 4kg loss this week that seems like a pipe dream. Well I am going to go now. JB xoxo

Well the scales are telling me I am up a kg but I am not listening to the nastiness because I know it is not a real gain. There are two reasons why it is up 1) I am constipated and 2) I have been working out heaps lately and can see and feel muscle and we all know muscle weighs more then fat. Plus I am eating so little a gain is impossible. I am fully loving my kid-free week. I am loving just exercising whenever I want for as long as I want. Yesterday I did do my yoga (110), done a brisk 45min walk to uni (330) and went to the gym and done 20minutes on the elliptical (231) as well as weight and strength training. I couldn't do my whole circuit I drank too much water then felt sick then felt really lightheaded and did not want to faint. So I went and had a fruit and nut cluster thing and had a shower. My calorie intake was 411 yesterday higher then I wanted but those nut things are nasty like that. Still better then the embarrassing of passing out ...

So exam in a few hours gah. Trying not to let the nerves get the better of me light last year. Going to go do yoga in a minute to calm myself. Totally getting back into exercise and loving it. Yesterday I weighed in at 88kg and am ecstatic. I have now finally lost the baby weight and the post baby gain. My body is still disgusting and I will never get my pre-baby body back without surgery but oh well small triumphs. I was in such a good mood that I went for an hour long walk and then came home and did Jillian Micheals 30 day shred workout. So my intake was 349 and I burned 422 leaving me with a defecit of 73 woot. So today's plans are yoga, walk to uni then go to the gym after. Plan on intake being the same. Feels so good to be back on track again. I am going to stick with this until my mum brings my son back for Easter hopefully she will only stay a day. Anyways not going to stress about that right now just going to work hard to get as much off as I can. JB xoxo

SO just had sex with a friend/special friend and it was not unpleasant but strange. Nothing to do with him or performance wise I just felt so disconnected with my body. The whole time I kept thinking how can I be even more energetic so I can burn off more calories and trying to hide my body as much as possible. Sex used to be the one thing I was confident with, the one time I relished being a woman and was more of a sexpot back when I was heavier. My sexual partners never cared about my body and they loved having intimate times with me because I was confident and not to try and seem vain but I am incredible in bed. I still am I could tell but I had to fake it and no not just the orgasm just the whole affair. It seemed like I was observing it happen instead of being one of the parties. I feel confused by it all. I ate too much today my family were making sandwiches and I said I was fine but then my stomach rumbled and gave me away (stupid traitor). I did a fair bit of exer...