Hi Lovelies, Im actually happy this evening. Had a good day at work. Which is a pleasent change been miserable of late. Not sure how long it will last. I have no idea what I currently weigh. I havent weighed myself for like 8 days and trying not to until the 1st of September. And it is killing me. I want to get in the scales and see a large number dropped. Would help of I could stop binging at nights. I have been really good until last Saturday and since then I havent been able to stay under 1000. Mostly around 1200 which I know is kinda normal woman diet intake but its theoss of control that is affecting. I need to have more self control about what I shove into my big fat gob. My step daughter seems to be getting over her ed before it really grabs hold. She was wanting to eat things like hot dogs and kievs. I wouldnt wish this shit on anyone. I deeply love my ed and I know its fucked up. I am clearly sadomachistic. Well I am going now my lovelies. Love JB xoxo
Posts
Hi Lovelies, Wowsers did I self sabotage this weekend. I fucking binged all weekend. I was hungry all day on Fridat. Kept trying to tell myself to hold off til Saturday because I knew I was taking my son to the show and all that would be there was crap like fries. I caved and went to try this local vegan restaurant amd gorged on Fried Kway Tao, dumplings amd steamed rolls. Not going to lie it was delicious but hate to think how manu calories. Saturday I attempted to be healthy and all I had was a salad before the show. Once I got there it was a free for all. I eveb threw my vegan values out the window amd consumed fudge puppies, funnel cakes, fried mozzerella sticks and bbq meatlovers pizza. Then on the way home I stopped to grab my partner dinner and got a vegan pasta as well. Yesterday I didnt even attempt to eat healthy and started the day off with vegan nachos, had a homemade vegan pizza for dinner and liquorice for desset and some fruit and coconut yogurt. Some how I only ...
Hi Lovelies, I'm so numb atm. Which is nice. I dont want to think and I dont want to feel. I gained 300 grs since yesterday. I knew I was going to gain. I kept sneaking lil bites of this amd that and not adding it to myfitnesspal because I didnt want to go over 999 cals. Even though I knew I had. So I steeled myself before getting on scales this morning to prepare myself for the gain. Just need to be extra vigilant today so the number goes down tomorrow. Im planning to go the local show tomorrow so that should burn some cals. My son has never been to a show before so he will love it. He is scared of rides but will want to buy a bunch if crappy showbags. Excited to see his face. Well Im going to vague out on the train now. TGIF. Love JB xo
Hi Lovelies, Nothing has changed on the home front. They only notice me when they want something. Right now Im siiting next to ky fiance on the couch writing this with no concern of being caught he is too busy playing games. My whole family knows I have been dieting and no one has asked me if I lost weight in the first week. I have I lost 3kgs. I know I'm fucked up because I actually want to fade away til hospitalisation so they finally take notice. Doubt thatbwill ever happen I cave in to hunger all the time. Last night I mindlessly ate a cupcake because I have been baking them for a baking comp at work. I allocated one the day before so that was ok. But last night it was there and I just scarfed it. At the moment I am not restricting as extreme as I have in the past. My rule is never over 999cals. Im usually around 800-900 cals amd find because I am eating regulary amd lots of salads or soups not overly hungry so that's good. I kinda want to make goals but not date sp...
Hi everyone, Well I'm back on the merry-go-round again. For how long I don't know. I'm not doing as well at work as I would have hoped. I had to move and change schools for my son. Plus now he gets himself to and from school and is home alone for like 1.5 hours everyday. I feel like a fucking failure. The only thing I can not fail at is self destruction in one way or another. Atm I am choosing restriction. Started on Tuesday and have lost 3kgs so far. I think my fiance is suspicious as he hid the scales (or so he thinks) or he hid them away so his daughter cant use them. She has been diagnosed with Ana. I'm not aloud to talk about it with her because I am not her parent..... No but I have been a constant in her life for the past four years and fuck actually know exactly what she is going through. Ffs I am the one catching all the behaviours and reporting them so the psych can address them to my fiance and ex wife. The thing with suffering from a eating disorder w...
Triggered!
Hi Lovelies, It's been awhile. Where to start? Well I put the weight back on from the fast of course. Back to 136 kgs and nothing much has changed. I have recently gotten intowater kefir and soon I will start with kombucha. Trying to fix my gut health. I got the new job which I love. Work with a great bunch of people. Plus I am getting paid more so yay. Other news is my 12 year old step-daughter has an ED. I'm not sure how long its been going on but she lost 3 kgs in a week. She only weighed like 50 kgs before anyways. Now she is active and already thin. She is into dance which is probably feeding the obsession. We went out to dinner last night and when they put the plate in front of her, I saw the fear flash across her face. Long story short I am heartbroken for her. Sickingly I'm so triggered by it all. I'm aware of how fucked up that all is but I don't care and already working down my calories as we speak. So I went and tried on wedding dresses about...
Hi Lovelies, Day 7! Thank god only 3 days left to go. I am really struggling now. Only lost 200 grams since yesterday. Getting bummed about these small numbers. Still 4.3 kgs in a week is awesome. Day 6 was hard. Felt weak, exhausted and hungry. My brain was not there at all. Stuffed up so many phone calls lol. Other bizarre news, new people started at work yesterday and one is a friend for like 14 years that I lost touch with. It was so cool and it was like no time had passed at all. Well gotta go get ready. Love JB xoxo
Hi Lovelies, Day 6! Well I lost 1/2 kg so yay bit bigger number. So far 4.1 kgs. Does not look like I will be hitting my goal of 10 kgs in 10 days. As long as I can get under the 130's I will be moderately happy. Day 5 went alright nothing major to report. Job interview went fine I think, will have to wait until I hear back to know for sure. Well I have absolutely nothing exciting to say today just feeling flat and hungry. Love JB xoxo
Hi Lovelies, Day 5! Stupid body is resisting change. Last two days only lost 200 grams each day. Oh well at least it is going down. Eventually tmy body will stop being stubborn and the numbers should start falling. Day 4 went pretty well. Didn't feel too much hunger. Work was ok. Brain went awry at points and I forgot what I was saying. Got a headache later in the day that dissipayed eventually. Have a job interview this morning and need to leave in 4 mins so better go and chug my breakfast glass down. Love JB xoxo
Hi lovelies, Day 4! Only lost 200 grams but it was inevitably going to slow down for a day or two. Still 3.4 kgs in 3 days is awesome. Ok so update on day three. It was pretty good spent most of the day expelling the effwcts of the senna and salt water flush. Cooked the family a gorgeous meal. Sat at the table with them getting tortured all the while Im sipping on my master cleanse drink. Folded what felt like ten loads of washing and went to bed. More nightmares all night so still detoxing. I have work today so will be interesting to see how night time goes whilst at work. Well check in tomorrow peeps. Love JB xoxo
Hi Lovelies, Day 3! Down another 1.2kgs. 3.2kgs so far. Ok back to day 2. Woke feeling great. Had a high for hours. Made work bearable enough. Although i cheated and had a coffee. Cannot do that job without a coffee. Felt abit tired when I got home but was still able to get stuff done around the house like wash the dogs and now they smell and feel lovely. Night time was torture! I was really feeling the hunger. The fam had KFC and omg the smells. I excused and removed myself and hid in the bedroom watching youtube while they ate lol. Have been having terrible nightmares so defs detoxing. Well I will update tomorrow for how today went! Love JB xoxo
Hi Lovelies, Well today is day 1 of master cleanse. I'll keep everyone posted. Not sure how long I'll do it for. I have done it before from anywhere between 10 to 52 days. I currently weigh 136kgs fuckkkkkkk!!!!!!! I would love to lose at least 10kgs bit we will see. Not looking forward to the first few days with detocing and my stomach shrinking. Bring on the fasting high. Oh well I better go get ready for the day! Love JB
Hi Lovelies, I'm Engaged!!!! Four years we have been together and he proposed three nights ago. We went away for the weekend for our anniversary and it was perfect. Now the scary part starts. I need to lose so much weight before I get married. I don't want to go back to crazy restricting but I am scared I will. I am going to do the master cleanse starting Friday to give me a kick start. I want to be healthy not thin. But also want to look good on my wedding day. Going to try on wedding dresses soon so I can have motivation by seeing how awful I look as a fat bride. I'm so happy! JB
Hi Pretties, Well still no weight change so I'll have to start counting calories again soon. Atm I'm too stressed and I'm eating healthy so its not all doom and gloom. Ok so I was so stressed and anxious at work thinking I could get fired because 6 people got fired in 2 weeks. Instead I got promoted and start my new role today. Also I'm very excited as I rejoined my old fave gym. Have not gone there yet as I have been unwell and my back has been feeling reay sore. Have a time booked withy fave PT on Saturday but have heard we might work on Saturday. I hope not! I still don't know my results for my breasts yet. I had an ultrasound yesterday so just waiting for the results. I feel sick everytime I think about it. So that's my life for now. JB Xoxo
Hi all! Well last week was week 2, no weight lost but also also no weight gained. Last week was also my birthday week. It was alright. I fell off the vegan train for my birthday but have been but have been back on since then. I am feeling better already. So far no calorie counting. I jumped on the scales today and they are going down yay. Other than that not much else to say. Work is full of political bullshit and I'm over that place. Also I am off to the drs soon because I am having symptons that could mean breast cancer so I'm nervous and ancious about that. Bye all! JB
Well I lost 2kgs in week 1 of 2017. Not too bad I guess. TMI but most of its due to a lot of toilet trips. Eating mangoes for breakfast is keeping me beyond regular but at least I don't need laxatives. Still not calorie counting and dont think I will until the numbers stop going down. Work in a few hours wahhhhh. I kicked ass last week so hopefully my pay packet will be heavier than usual I can so use as much extra money as I can get to crawl my way out of debt. Other than that not much to report except it's my birthday on Friday Gah I'll be 34. Pretty sure I started this blog when I was 28. JB Xoxo
First post of 2017! Not a lot to report. I gained 4 kgs over December which sucks but in all honesty I was expecting more. I'm doing veganuary which is a social movement which as the name suggests is going vegan for January. I've lost 1 kg so far. I'm not calorie counting atm just getting through the detox phase. I am having mangoes for breakfast, Buddha bowls for dinner and sultanas and fruit for snacks. Went back to work after the break yesterday and smashed it. I am good at telemarketing and not sure how I feel about that. It is good to know I am good at my job but this job? I tried to get another call centre job last month, was looking like I would then my former boss fucked me over with a bad referee. Asshole! After he offered to be a referee for me and then he throws me under the bus. I am stuck right now. I am trying to figure out what to do next. I am thinking to just hang out where I am this year. The money isn't too bad and it's part time. I plan to re...