Grin for Thin

Yahoo I finally managed to not binge. Yesterday I told myself not to go over 800 calories and my and total was 773. Today I must not go over 600 calories. Big poo is I am going to stay with my mum for 2 days but am taking a lot of food so I can know exactly how many calories I am eating. I am making egyptian falafels today with a tahina dipping sauce which work out to be 34 calories with the dip. Also going to make a huge pot of morrocan lentil soup, although not sure of the calorie count per serve yet will work it out later. Feeling really good again to be getting back on track. Am a little nervous about monday as we are going to a theme park and all I can eat there is hot potato chips :s. But I suppose with all the walking that will be fixable. Have got a butt load of cleaning to do so will get started in a minute then I can cook and eat it while watching the finale for americas next top model. Hope you girls are feeling as fantastic as I am. Think Thin JB xoxo

Well the few days have been disastrous. Binge, binge, binge. I have no idea what my weight is but I feel heavier plus I am constipated. Had enough now, I tried to eat healthy keeping my calories between 1000-1400 a day, does not work for me I always end up over eating in the end. So now back to restricting. Back to getting control back in my life. I have no idea what my weight is but I hope I can lose at least 2kgs this week. But have no way to tell if I have.  Oh well shit happens. All I can do is put in the work to know I am losing weight. I hope everyone is ok. Sorry I am such a shit blogger atm. JB xoxo

I don't want to go out. I am too fat and look like a beast. I wish I could get out of this but I can't. I want to curl up and have the world forget I exist.

I am lamenting the tragic untimely death of my scales today. Will have to wait until Tuesday to replace them, oh the horror. Have not posted in over a week. Been struggling with food eating around 1200 calories a day, this must stop. Must break past 87kg. I have been going up and down between 87 and 89 for weeks now. I need to crack the 86 mark. Been sick with this chesty thing so have not been able to exercise, it is driving me nuts. I had a huge binge/purge session on Tuesday, it was disgusting should tide me over for another 2-3 months until my next one. I think I am depressed atm all I want to do is lay in bed. My house is a disgrace because of this, I have to clean today because people are coming over tonight (surely a blessing). I am going out for dinner with mothers from my son's class. I don't want to I have nothing in common with these woman. I have checked the menu and I am going to have a greek salad with no fetta, no dressing and some mineral water. Must get my calo...

I am having toilet dramas today. Turns out I didn't need to take laxatives so yay for that. Not yay for how depleted and shit I feel. Lost a kg so happy with that one more to go to get rid of my gain. The problem with today's toilet issues is that I feel so drained my body wants me to replenish it by binging on high calorie bad foods. I am not listening I am going to make a soup and and have some grapes instead. I am so over my allergies damn you changing seasons.well going to go eat then lie down again. JB xoxo

I gained 2 kgs back no real surprise there. I am so constipated and bloated I feel disgusting. Back to restricting today I am already hungry so I know it is going to be tough and I am taking some laxatives tonight. Going to go to the gym again this week, can't wait. Need to start loosing some decent numbers on the scales. I have uni today so better go. JB xoxo

Sorry I have not posted much this week. I just don't have much to say. I am kinda over the idea of going on dates. Uni is kicking my ass. My weight-loss is slow and frustrating. My restricting has been excellent. Exercise is improving again. So today my mother is coming to stay and anyone who reads my blogs knows that I tend to binge when my mother is here. Tomorrow is mothers day so high calorie intake in inevitable. Today I am more lucky I am going out for lunch with a bunch of people, who I can tell I have already eaten and when I get home to and it's dinner time I can say I had a big lunch. She leaves Monday so hopefully tomorrow's damage won't be more then a kg gain. I need to try the ABC or SGD I think. My losses are slow and small lately and I am freaking out that I will never get to my goal weight in time. JB xoxo

Yay 800gram loss. I am surprised because my son came in to watch a show with me last night with a big bag of grapes and I went crazy and just about inhaled half the damn thing. I was sure I was going to gain. I have date requests coming out of my ears and I won't lie it feels great. I took progress pics the other day and one of the guys last night asked me for a full length shot so I sent him one. I would never had done that in the past but I know I have lost a fair bit even though I don't see it. It was nice he said I was slim and smoking hot. That is why I love dating geeks, seriously these boys are so good for a girl's self-esteem. They make you feel like a goddess and they worship and what can I say my ego she likey lol. Annoying thing is they have all asked me out to eat. I don't want to eat and I won't but it might be strange to them. Actually could work out well get them accustomed to me not eating so that if anything serious develops they are used to it. Wel...

I know I said that cutting was a once off thing. I meant it at the time. I have fallen for it. It makes me feel better. I swore to myself I would never go back to self-harming. But here I am itching to cut again and I just did. I havent been blogging. Not much to say. Got my periods and the scales are telling me I am gaining weight. I am staying under 800 calories. WTF. Today is 500 calories. Tomorrow will be 350. Need to starve harder, need to workout longer. I am not loosing the weight I need to get to my goal weight by my birthday. I felt lonely the other night. So I joined a dating site. Have been talking to this awesome guy. He asked me out on a date. I am excited and terrified. I don't think I am ready. How will I hide my eating disorder? I will not give it up for anything or anyone. I know that now. It has me and I love it and loathe it at the same time. It never leaves me so I am never truly lonely. I know I am a bad person. I know I shouldn't meet this guy so there is ...