I feel so alone. I'm always surroundedby people but I feel apart from everyone. Especially at work where I don't fit in any of the cliques. Feels like school again where I am the loner. Maybe there is something so flawed in me that is apparent to everyone else. I hear them all laugh amd jave fun around me and I get jealous. Then I think to myself fuck you all Ill make sure I'm the skinniest here. They're all snarky bitches anyways so give them something to hate me about.

When I'm at home my family wants to spend time with me but I want to be alone. I feel so disconnected. I feel awful for thinking this but I feel burdoned. In reality all my dreams are coming true. All my hard work is paying off but I feel nothing except self doubt and self hatred. I believe that I can't ever be happy. My mind won't let me. I should go back on antidepressants but I am scared that I'll feel less then I do now.

Other news yesterday wasnt great 1100 cals but mostly that was liquid. Today I'm looking around 600cals and all of it is from coffee, tea and soup. I lost 600 grams since yesterday. Won't be happy until I see losses of over 1kg. Even then I  won't be happy because it will never be enough. I'm  starting to feel that smug glow of satisfaction that comes with restricting when everyone around you is eating.

Well thats me for now.

Much Love
JB
Xoxo

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