Grin for Thin

Gah my scales are broken. I hate not being able to jump on them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Yesterday I finally managed a negative calorie day. I consumed 22 calories in coffee and tea.  And burnt off 376. So net was -354 calories. Feel so good. It has never been this easy for me before. I just don't have an appetite. Finished my last assignment for the semester yesterday and now exams to get ready for. I am glad I can focus on that because the guy has not texted me since last sunday. I guess that says it all. He just isnt interested. I don't blame him but I am still crushed and very sad about it. Trying not to think about it cos I want to cry. I seriously thought we were going to have something special and deep. Ok enough about that today's plan is to study and try not to eat but with it being the weekend and my mum being around I am not sure I can pull that off. I know I am not being too smart atm with hiding my lack of eating with her. I better be...

Well weight has kinda stagnated. All those massive weight loss days so not too shocked. I ate cake yesterday and chips for my sons birthday :(. Super restrict day today I hope. Unless my mum is making a roast that is. I made a sugar free oil free carrot cake yesterday but still was 250 calories a slice gah. 900 and something intake yesterday. Have not been feeling hungry lately has been awesome and very unusual for me. Today I must finish an assignment that is due tomorrow so good excuse to hide on my room eating nothing. Had the worst nightmare last night. Cannot shake it. Oh well mum just pulled up I better go. JB xoxo

Yay lost another 1.5kg since yesterday no longer obese wooooo. Also didn't eat my soup last night so intake was 877 with 704 burnt off so a net of 173 is better then the 200something. Well family is here so better get off before someone walks in. JB xoxo

Well did not hit my negative calorie goal like I wanted. Hunger got a grip of me and I ate 977 calories today gahhhhhh. At least I have burnt off 704 of them. So net is 273 so that's not too bad I spose. Mum commented on my weight-loss but in a nice and non suspicious way phewwwwwwww. Just got my periods dammit. But just weighed myself and I am 91kgs before going to bed so that is pretty cool. I have factored in 977 but have not had my soup yet. Not even sure if I want it. Might go to bed without it and there goes another 95 calories off my intake. Sounds freaking good to me. Night night all JB xoxo

Wow I love fasting! I lost 2 kgs since yesterday. All I had yesterday was coffee, tea and water. My only worry is that I have lost 4 kgs in so many days and my mother is coming home today. I really hope she doesn't notice too much. I don't know if I can do the same thing today I feel very shakey but still will keep it low and will be swimming most of the day so should hit my negative calorie day today. I would love to lose at least 1.4 kgs by tomorrow so I'll be out of the obese bmi again. So I kinda got fucked up on more then alcohol the other night with my "friend" I am still feeling like shit from it mentally and physically. Told him I don't want to do that shit again, I don't like it. Well trying to shake the cloud from my head so I can take my boy swimming so til later. Ciao everybody. JB xoxo

Ok so tonight's rendezvous happened last night and we didn't crash till 6 am. It is currently 11 am so yeah not a lot of sleep. Thankfully I have the best son in the world and he is cool not going swimming until tomorrow. I was planning on having a negative day yesterday but the drinking interrupted that. But great news is I didn't get the drunken munchies and binge. All I had to eat yesterday was 1/4 cup of oatmeal. But the alcohol was the killer  824 calories eeeek. My total gross intake yesterday was 1043 but burnt 701 and that left me with a net of 342 so not too bad. Will do better today. I really want a negative calorie day. Great news the scales said 2kg weight loss today so pretty ecstatic about that. So that makes 2.5 kgs in 2 or 3 days so pretty happy about that. Well back to bed for me for awhile then my assignment. JB xoxo

Well hopped on the scales to see a ridiculously large number that just cant be right so I am ignoring it. This man is pissing me off and making me happy at the same time grrrr confused. Feeling really depressed at the moment. Just want it all to end. I hope I get the hungry highs soon I need a pick me up in mood. Had a dream last night about my "friend" who I am hooking up with tomorrow night. Hate those. Makes the lines between friendship and other stronger emotions blur. So yeah when it comes to men I am mental. I cant wait to go swimming tomorrow and feel my cares drift away. Hopefully I wont think too much on my image sinice I am so fat. JB xoxo

I am tired of sounding and feeling like a broken record. I gave in again and ate too much for too long and gained more. I am creeping back up to 100kgs. I am putting a stop to it. Lost 500 grams since yesterday and I still ate a net of 1500 calories, ewww far too much. I have so much fat everywhere especially my stomach region. I am not drinking again for awhile. I just gain too much with drinking and the drunken munchies that follow. I hate myself and I am so depressed. I know how to make these feelings go away. STARVE. So that is what I am going to do again. My mother is gone for 4 days so a huge b/p sesh planned for tonight then super restrict for the next few days. Trying to get back into exercise again. Well that's my ramble for now need too hit the sunshine for a tanning sesh before it gets too hot. JB xoxo

Hate my body so much right now its still telling me I 95 same as yesterday. Eating under 800 calories each day WTF!!!!.... JB

I am so fucking pissed. I have been good with my eating under 800 calories and today the scales went up not down. I just don't fucking get it. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. This fucking sucks. JB

Pissed!!!!! ate under 1000 calories yesterday and only lost 300 grams, that is total poo! But on the plus side I still reached a target. I need 400 grams per day to be my goal weight for my birthday and since I lost 500 the 2 days ago and 300 yesterday that makes 800. I just keep looking at my birthday dress and it keeps me focused. Cannot believe I allowed myself to gain nearly 10 kgs back gah. Today is day three back on track and I am feeling it too. I am soooooo hungry. Holding off as long as I can until I eat though. Good ole coffee you are my saviour. Nearly finished this stupid assignment only another 200 words and I am done. Finally getting back to class tomorrow after having a mid semester break and then being sick. I actually miss the place. I see thinspo everywhere which is great cos it reminds me what a useless fat cow I am right now and how I want to look like them so keeps me happy feeling my hunger pangs. Well I am going to go and finish this assignment so I ca...

Well so far so good lost 500 grams so am on track. My mother is driving me insane. Why did I let her guilt me into moving back in with her. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!..... My soul is dying. Now going to vent all frustrations with exercise and restricting. If she pisses me off I won't eat the next meal. Going to turn this around and make it work for me. And the guy Mr Perfect well spoke with him about my issues with our well whatever it is we have right now so time will tell. If he doesn't make more of an effort then fuck him too. I think I am at this point in life where I am sick of people. Sick of all the fake friends that don't call me. Sick of always making all the effort. So fuck it I am cleaning out my life and my body. I will be the skinny bitch that needs nobody and that everyone hates for being thin and beautiful. That is my goal. I think my friend who I hook up with from time to time is jealous of the fact I might have a new man in my life. This is fucking with my head...

I am hopeless. My mother came back and I lost my will, my drive whatever it was and have since gained back 5kg. Hate myself. I think I am being played by this guy. He has 24hours to prove himself or I am walking away. I need to loose 400grams a day to be at my goal for my birthday and I think I can do that. Well if I stay motivated and focused. Didn't do so well food wise today but better then I have been. Also managed to do some yoga am determined to get back into exercise. Well I am tired so that is all I will write tonight. JB xoxo