Hmmmmm
So binged again gah. I was still craving the vegan nuggets with mash potato and gravy, couldn't get it out of my mind. So I struck a deal with myself , indulge in this binge today then tomorrow back to business with a vengeance but this time I need to incorporate exercise. So I don't know the actual calorie intake but I am guessing between 2500-3000 so disgusting! Another rule I made myself is that I am absolutely not allowed to have another binge until after I am well under 100 kgs. I so wish I could afford gastric banding surgery.
So I think I have been struggling a lil bit because I haven't set any goals. So my first goal would have been to get under 110kgs and now that is done (god I hope today's damage doesn't push me back above it). My next big goal is to get under a 100 kgs and I am hoping to achieve that within the next 2 weeks. My ultimate goal atm is 20kgs in 6 weeks. So going by this mornings weight (which I am sure will be higher tomorrow after today's damage) I am a quarter of the way there just after week 1. That will bring me to nearly the end of semester. Which will bring me back to the weight I was when I fell pregnant nearly 6 years ago. Which means finally I have lost the pregnancy and post pregnancy weight. Then I will set the next major goal.
So Ana spoke to me today. I was looking in the mirror at my reflection, criticizing the double chin, poking down on the flab hiding my lovely bones. Then I looked in my eyes but they were not mine, then I spoke but the voice was also not mine, it was harsh and cruel and told me exactly what I needed to hear. That I am a horrible fat failure that no one really loved. That my mother only loved partially because she had to and partially because I do whatever she tells me to do. That people think I am a bad mother because I am fat. That if I wasn't a fat lazy slob I would do better at my studies. That I would have a boyfriend if only I was skinny. And she is right of course. Oh please Ana help guide me, please don't give up on me I need you, without you I will surely die a fat slob instead of a waifish angel.
I cannot wait to walk into any shop and not have to worry if they carry plus size clothing. I can't wait to be desirable again and have the power again. To be able to reject instead of being rejected again. Life will be better when I am thin.
Stay Strong.
JB
xoxoxo
So I think I have been struggling a lil bit because I haven't set any goals. So my first goal would have been to get under 110kgs and now that is done (god I hope today's damage doesn't push me back above it). My next big goal is to get under a 100 kgs and I am hoping to achieve that within the next 2 weeks. My ultimate goal atm is 20kgs in 6 weeks. So going by this mornings weight (which I am sure will be higher tomorrow after today's damage) I am a quarter of the way there just after week 1. That will bring me to nearly the end of semester. Which will bring me back to the weight I was when I fell pregnant nearly 6 years ago. Which means finally I have lost the pregnancy and post pregnancy weight. Then I will set the next major goal.
So Ana spoke to me today. I was looking in the mirror at my reflection, criticizing the double chin, poking down on the flab hiding my lovely bones. Then I looked in my eyes but they were not mine, then I spoke but the voice was also not mine, it was harsh and cruel and told me exactly what I needed to hear. That I am a horrible fat failure that no one really loved. That my mother only loved partially because she had to and partially because I do whatever she tells me to do. That people think I am a bad mother because I am fat. That if I wasn't a fat lazy slob I would do better at my studies. That I would have a boyfriend if only I was skinny. And she is right of course. Oh please Ana help guide me, please don't give up on me I need you, without you I will surely die a fat slob instead of a waifish angel.
I cannot wait to walk into any shop and not have to worry if they carry plus size clothing. I can't wait to be desirable again and have the power again. To be able to reject instead of being rejected again. Life will be better when I am thin.
Stay Strong.
JB
xoxoxo
Comments
Post a Comment