Grin for Thin

I know I've been quiet of late. I'm trying hard at recovery ATM. Harder than before. Really trying to dig deep into the emotions that lay behind it.  My partner is trying to support me the best way he can by checking in with how my mental health is is. And I'm honest with him. I tell him when my head is loud or I just feel numb. Food is still scary and anxiety still occurs. I've stopped counting calories and it's really fucking hard. I still weigh daily but I'm sure that will stop over time. I put on a kg very fast once I told my partner. I have lost that and my body seems to be comfortable at the 113.5 mark ATM. I have also started eating raw vegan.im going to try and stay raw most of the time for summer. I only relapsed for two months but I felt how quickly my body deterioted and felt malnourished. Now I'm nourishing my body and my soul. I've started doing yoga. Today is the first day in ages I've felt good and up and genuinely happy. It's

Maybe I do want help. I exposed my secret to my fiance. I'm totally vulnerable now. I'm freaking out. I'm scared to let my ED go. It works I lose weight. Now I'm scared I'll put all the weight back on. Oh fuck what have I done. I can't take it back now. Fuck fuck fuck.

Another day of binging. Can't do this anymore. This constant starving and binging is too much. Going to give it a break and go back to normal dieting eating a bit more and try not to binge on unhealthy food.

Gah I cant stop self sabotaging. So I binged more the other day and went up 1.5kgs. I went well yesterday until 8:30pm when I started shoving raisin toast and peanut butter sandwiches. Managed to go down 300 grams. I want to hope that I will stop this shit now but don't feel that optimistic. Depression isn't helping.

Off to a bad start to the day. Woke up at 10:30 so good to sleep in. Weighed in down to 112.1, down 600grams. So that's good. Been awake 2.5hours and already binged. I stood at the fridge and shovelled in half a brownie and two slices of raisin bread. I stopped there and got myself away from the kitchen. I have calculated my calories and as long as I don't lose control the total is 1255 for the day.

My weight got back to where it was last Friday. Now to not be a stupid fatty and fuck it up this weekend. On other news my partner wants to have a "talk" tonight. I'm freaking out. it's not normal for him and I'm scared. What if he dumps me. What of he tells me he is clearing someone else. what if he asks me about my eating. I want to throw up.