Grin for Thin

Hi Lovelies, Well yesterday was a wash out. Boyfriend came home last night yay. No one had eaten yet so he wanted to take us all out for dinner. I couldn't say no and I secretly didn't want to say no. I could have ordered a salad or soup. I didn't. I ordered pasta, I had garlic cheesy bread, two glasses of wine and ice-cream. We were laughing and having fun and the voices in my head were quieter (damn them). It was nice for a brief moment to feel normal(ish). As soon as I walked in the front door the guilt started up and the voices were loud "Fat, weak, useless, no control, you deserve to be a whale, stupid, fat, worthless". I was so worried that I weighed myself in the middle of the shopping centre on one of those coin operated scales. My shame exposed to everybody. Gained 900grams. Not surprised. Surprised it was not more. Angry because I tried to convince myself I could not be me for a night. I am still far too fat to think I can go eat Italian without cons...

WTF is wrong with me. I binged....... again..... I purged......... again. Lucky the kids were too preoccupied with thier video games. I was able to go into my room, lock the door and turn the shower on and go about my business. But my partner gets home tomorrow and I can't lock him out of our bedroom. I can't lose control like that again. The first binge and purge was planned but this wasn't.  I pushed back eating too far and as I was ser ing dinner I thought fuck it I am going to eat to. It was butter chicken with naan bread so like a gazillion calories. I think I got most of it up in the end I was just dry heaving. Now I have a raging headache but I deserve it for being such a weak fat bitch. JB Xoxo

Hi Lovelies, So yesterday was the end of week 2. Total weight loss 2.2kgs. Absolute crap. Hopefully this week will be better. Although with my period who knows. Below is last weeks calorie chart. Intake was up by 6 calories but burnt 298 cals more then last week. I really want to get my total to under 1000 cals per week. Oh well at least its a slight improvement over the previous week.  Week 2 Date Day Calories In Calories Out TOTAL (Cals in - out) 20/5/15 Wednesday 670 308 362 21/5/15 Thursday 563 563 22/5/15 Friday 268 651 -383 23/5/15 Saturday 458 704 -246 24/5/15 Sunday 434 434 25/5/15 Monday 325 252 73 26/5/15 Tuesday 463 463 TOTAL 3181 1915 1266 So went to the gym this morning. Then went shopping and brought binge food. I have been feeling a binge coming on for days now and have been trying to keep it in control until today when I knew I had time and privacy to purge. Now I am not a huge binge and purge kinda girl and now I remember why. So the binge wasn't ...

Hi Lovelies, So got my period last night. Explains my moods last two days. I get my period maybe twice a year so never know when it is going to come. Yesterday's intake was ok 325 in and 252 burnt. My god it was so hard to think yesterday. My brain was struggling. The logical part of my brain kept telling I need to eat more this week to feed my brain, and I know it is right. I just can't even going to 500 cals is too damn scary. It is frightening how quick the disorder takes over. I am scared and at the same time relieved at how easy it was to fall back into it. No one has noticed that I barely eat. I was terrified about going back to my ED because I was sure I would get found out almost instantly. But nope everyone is so self-absorbed they don't notice all I generally eat is 2 scrambled egg whites and tomato, a cup of soup, whipped diet jelly and 2-4 mini chocolate covered rice cakes a day. It also makes me a little sad and I feel very unimportant at the same time as ...

Hi Lovelies, Stupid week 2. Stupid body. Since Saturday I have only lost 100grams. I consumed 458 calories on Saturday and burnt off 704. Yesterday was rest day but overate and consumed 434 calories instead of the maximum 350 I was supposed to have. But surely I should have a bigger loss then that. GGRRRRR. I had a shit weekend. The teenage stepson was being an asshole and had me in tears yesterday. And I am doing this group assignment and these girls are being bitches. Wanna slap them so hard right now. Seriously falling behind in my other assignment. Just want to cry and sleep and fuck it all to hell. So yeah the start of my week is crap atm. Oh and the boyfriend is away until Thursday. So I have to look after his and my child, take animals to vet, go to uni and learn flash animation and do my assignment by Friday 5pm. FUCK. Sorry for the downer post everyone. Stay strong JB xoxo

Hi Lovelies, Boyfriend has left the house so now quickly typing this post. Stepson is here but in his room with his friend playing the ps4. So yesterday was 1000 moves ahead on the gym leader-board. Now I am 1000 moves behind 1st. Have to go to the gym now, which I was not planning on because it is supoosed to be a body rest day.Yesterday was a good day intake wise 268 in and 651 out. Got to love a 353 deficit. I don't have to much to write about. All I did yesterday was go to the gym, clean up a little and walk the dog. Hopefully my weight will be lower today, I don't think I could handle seeing the same number. I hate week 2 weight loss is always sucky. Does anybody else have this happen to them during the second week of dieting/restricting? Well hope everyone has a decent day. JB xoxo

Hi Lovelies, So either I miscalculated the calories from the other night or I am already plateauing. I jumped on the scales at the gym this morning and was the same as 2 days ago gah. I did have a cup of coffee before I went but surely that would not do too much. Yesterday's intake was crappy, 563. I am trying to stay around the 350 mark. Plus I did not exercise at all yesterday so that intake is not excusable. Managed to burn off 250 so far today with an intake under 100 cals so far. Going to take dog on a good hour long walk later so I am hoping for a larger deficit then I managed last week. Really need to get some eggs and tomatoes today I am enjoying my 2 egg whites scrambled with half a tomato on the side breakfast (57cals). Yesterday I felt like toast so I chopped a lite cruskit into 4 triangles instead (22cals). Also had my coffee (13cals) followed by 2 chocolate covered mini rice cakes (37cals). Date Day Calories In Calories Out TOTAL (Cals in - out) 13/5/15 Wedne...